His Sun - Comments

This story was really great. I think you blended the sentrence you were given into the story beautifully.

I also loved how you've described Gabriel's feelings for Abagail.. how he enjoys just watching her doing everyday things and it makes him happy to do so. In that respect, and with how he dewscribes her, you can really tell he truly cares about her.

Your descriptions and imagery was great - very well done. ^^

I noticed only a few errors:

put away the clothing that she had just taken out of the Dryer - dryer doesn't need to be capitalised.

To preoccupied with placing the hangers on the rack, she didn't hear him come up behind her. - to should be too.

because your warm I will not lie. - your should be you're.

"Now tell me why you thought up this ridiculous thoughts.” - this should be these.

the kiss wasn't to hard nor to soft it wasn't chastising or teasing. - to should be too.

This was my fave line in the story: I love you Abagail. You are my sun, the ocean breeze, and the thing that keeps me going most nights.”
I just awwwwwed at it, haha. It was such a sweet description of how Gabriel felt about Abagail. And I just love how he loves her for being different to him.

Anyhoo.. good luck in the contest you entered. :D

Story/Review Game

First off, I really like the relationship you created between the two characters. The small things you added (like the bit about the sundresses) really gave me something to imagine which was nice. Plus, it was cute the way Gabriel was kinda just watching her without her knowing. He got to see something he normally didn't have the privledge of seeing. It was cute. :cute:

I almost feel bad for Abigail. She just seemed so upset and just... I can't really point out exactly what it was, but it was like I could relate to her in a way. Not entirely, but you made me feel sorry for her because I don't think she'll ever be able to block out the fact that he may just like her because she's... human. Of course, he doesn't, but I don't think she'll ever be able to stop completelty doubting that.

:shifty I hope that made sense.

“Now tell me why you thought up this ridiculous thoughts.” I'm pretty sure that "this" should be "these." And the way you used the word "thought" twice in one sentence makes it sound... crowded anyway. Maybe re-wording the sentence would make it flow a little better.

I thought this was a very cute story. They fit so well as a couple, and I just... they were cute. Sometimes when Gabriel spoke I felt like I was reading a poem which was both good and bad, I suppose. It's just that it's hard to believe people still talk like that, but at the same time I'm sensing that he's been around for a long time so his vocabulary has to be different. :tehe:

The storyline was nice, and the relationship you established between the two of them was cute.

I didn't like the way Gabriel spoke because it felt a little too poetic. The way his dialogue was worded was a little weird for me.

Like here: “You're very warm tonight.”:shock: I was a little put off by the way he said that. It creeped me out.

Other than that I really thought this story was terribly romantic, which was what I loved about it. :cute:

I kind of want to trade places with that girl in your layout. :)

Anywho.

Story Review Game

Summary:
I love the summary, it's so...romantic and actually sort of reminds me of The Silver Kiss, and that automatically makes me want to read this. That book was incredible. *sighs*

Now tell me why you thought up this ridiculous thoughts.” This should be these.

Chapter One
of the Dryer. Dryer doesn't need to by capitilized, unless it's a brand of the dryer or something.

He observed that she was agile, this sentence is a bit awkward....maybe if you say that "he saw that she was..." it would flow better.

teeshirts, this is spelled T-shirts.

dresses, beautiful and vibrant, try a semicolon after dresses.

because your warm, your should be you're.

The warm, your humanity, warm should be warmth.

from his hand he, this sounds awkward, maybe put "when she turned away from him he grabbed...

to look at him in the eye, the at in this sentence is unecessary.

wasn't to hard nor to soft it wasn't chastising or teasing the 'to's' should be 'too's' and there should be a semicolon after soft.

Okay. Now.

I loved this story, it was so romantic and dark and simply lovely. I very much wish there was more for me to read. It did remind me of the book I mentioned earlier, which I like very much. I love the darkness to it and the romance. But I really don't like how he continuously calls her 'my love' or 'my Abagail', maybe it's because he's a Vampire and old-fashioned? But it just didn't really flow well to me, it wasn't very enjoyable to read.

But I did like this story very well. I wish it was longer, maybe a chaptered story.

Very well done. :)