November 7th, 2009 at 03:15pm
Omg this is sooo sad! It made me effin cry!
This poor boy that had been through all that, finally overcame his phobia and stuff and then gets torn to bits by a shark =[
Amazing story though, really brings a tear to your eye (in my case more than one :L)
*subscribes* even though i know its not carrying on you deserve subz for this!! =]
I'm going to be a little harsh here, so be prepared.
The story was filled with pretty random events: father leaving, being dressed up as a girl by his mother, having foster parents, being sent to a psychiatrist, developing panophobia, getting accepted into MIT, receiving a letter from his father, going on a plane, eating lemon pie, experiencing some sort of allergic reaction, the people in the plane panicking and rushing out, his limbs getting crushed, the plane sinking, a shark eating him up...
I mean, you've got various forms of tragedy in here: his father leaving after his birth, his mother disapproving of his gender and forcing him to live his childhood as a girl, not having his biological parents with him, having a phobia...
What I'm trying to say is that you've got so many random, unnecessary events. For instance, was it really necessary to put that shark in there? He could've died when they were breaking his limbs or something, I don't know. And his phobia came out of nowhere; I don't agree that him being sent to the psychiatrist made his phobia develop.
A few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing big. Anyway, I like how you ended it with the lemon thing, but you didn't need include so many (yes, I'm using the word again) random ideas. It would've been better if you didn't. Sure, you want your readers to feel sorry for the boy - but I believe there were too many elements to the point that it spoilt the story.
If you wrote with more emotion instead of being so technical about things, it would've been a lot better, too. But anyway, I'm being pretty harsh here - it isn't really that bad, but yeah. Work on it.