July 31st, 2009 at 12:32am
Hello.
This is pretty strong for a comment, but;
I love you
for writing this.
There's like, no j-rock on here,
so for now, you're officially amazing.
;D
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The way you opened it was absolutely perfect. Die was special. I knew this from the first time I met him. It immediately made the reader realise that what Die and Kyo shared was something special and magical. It wasn't just a relationship, it was something more. And there was something about Die that just drew Kyo in, it's like they were meant to be.
It's like there's nobody in the club but Die and Kyo. His mane of scarlet hair catching the light and shimmering with pinks and oranges, making him stand out against the backdrop of raven-haired club-goers with their conservative fringes and emotionless faces Everybody else is faceless and they all look the same. Kyo can only see Die and I think that the way you described this was beautiful and emphasises on the fact that Die is very special to Kyo.
This description of Die was amazing. He was grinning like a Cheshire cat, a grin that I immediately warmed to. First of all, I adore the simile you used because it shows that Die's smile must be huge and the image of Die with a massive smile on his face makes me melt inside. XD And secondly, it's also sweet that Kyo instantly warmed to Die's smile, I get the impression that Die's smile is one of the things that Kyo likes best about him. It's really nice to read and I also love the way you wrote his first impression.
This was good. Die was innocent and child-like, trust-worthy and straightforward. I like that Kyo was instantly able to draw that conclusion, it shows that Die is an easy person to read and also emphasises the fact that Kyo and Die are meant to be together. It's like Die needs Kyo to look after him, what with the fact that he's innocent and child-like, and it's like in Amber - I think that one of the reasons that Die comes back is because he wants Kyo to be there for him. If that makes sense. And it was interesting to read that Kyo could tell Die was trust-worthy, he must be able to read his face so well - maybe it's to do with the fact that Die is straightforward. Die is Die, there's nothing more to him than that.
The paragraph where Kyo listed what he liked about Die was very sweet. I loved the detail you went into, it was like I was looking through Kyo's eyes and being able to see everything that was special about Die. I liked this line in particular: But what I liked most about him was that he wasn’t perfect. I love the fact that you didn't make him out to be perfect and I love it even more that you explicitly stated that he wasn't perfect. I get the impression that some writers try too hard for their characters to have flaws and it ruins the writing flow, but I don't get that with you. You've got a real knack of making things flow well and I like that you were able to establish that Die wasn't perfect without making it all shitty and a bit of a cliché.
Ooh, now I really liked this bit. Well, I ain’t no fucking Snow White and I never wanted perfection. I'm normally not a fan of swear words in the narrative, but this just fitted in effortlessly. It's like the reader is inside Kyo's mind and we're just seeing his train of thoughts. It's obvious that he's been hurt by everything that's happened, and he's emphasising the fact that Die isn't perfect whilst defending him - he doesn't want "perfection" because he has Die.
The last line was absolutely perfect. This is the real world and in the real world, no one lives happily ever after. I love his bitterness, it's really conveyed well. I like that you've not mentioned about what happens to bring about the Die that we know in Amber - you've just hinted at it. Kyo hasn't got his happy ending and I think that to some extent he's bitter at the whole world because I get the feeling that he sees happy couples and wishes that it could be him and Die. It's actually really upsetting to read the ending of this, it's really touched me. Kyo has accepted the fact that he's not going to get his happy ending, but he's still hurting a lot.
Can't wait to read more, I'm really interested to read how you're going to write this backstory.