First comment? Really, alright then onto the matter!
Title - I liked that you used the name she gave herself for the title, it was fitting given the situation that you are writing about and makes a person wonder about what is going on.
Layout - while I understand the purpose of the black and white layout after having read everything, the white link color bothers me as it made me wonder where to click for a moment and you can't see it on the white background. That's simply an aesthetic thing on my part. Maybe gray would have been more fitting?
Story Content - First off, i would like to say that this is wonderfully descriptive. Some of the comparisons you give are breathtaking and create a vivid mental picture for the reader. As you progress through the story, it all seems to make more and more sense. However there were a few things that confused me and caught my eyes.
Soledad just kept looking at the blackness of space, choked in the holes above her, is that supposed to be chocked? I'm not sure what else you might be trying to say there if it isn't.
The pen's drinking all the sad, all the liquid, liquefied pus of her heart. Reading this part is a little awkward. Maybe adding a the between liquid and liquefied could help with something like that?
I would also like to point out there seems like there should be two additional paragraphs breaks that w ere not completely included. One is right where you start the little rhyme about the streetcar and the other is right when you repeat the line from the rhyme a few paragraphs down.
Though, despite all the little comments I'm making, I have to say that overall, you wrote this very well. Though it did bother me that you basically bashed it a little in the author's note. I know I'm guilty of this too, but it can be very disheartening to a reader to see that kind of thing. Have faith in yourself and your work no matter how good or bad you think it might be.
Title - I liked that you used the name she gave herself for the title, it was fitting given the situation that you are writing about and makes a person wonder about what is going on.
Layout - while I understand the purpose of the black and white layout after having read everything, the white link color bothers me as it made me wonder where to click for a moment and you can't see it on the white background. That's simply an aesthetic thing on my part. Maybe gray would have been more fitting?
Story Content - First off, i would like to say that this is wonderfully descriptive. Some of the comparisons you give are breathtaking and create a vivid mental picture for the reader. As you progress through the story, it all seems to make more and more sense. However there were a few things that confused me and caught my eyes.
Soledad just kept looking at the blackness of space, choked in the holes above her, is that supposed to be chocked? I'm not sure what else you might be trying to say there if it isn't.
The pen's drinking all the sad, all the liquid, liquefied pus of her heart. Reading this part is a little awkward. Maybe adding a the between liquid and liquefied could help with something like that?
I would also like to point out there seems like there should be two additional paragraphs breaks that w ere not completely included. One is right where you start the little rhyme about the streetcar and the other is right when you repeat the line from the rhyme a few paragraphs down.
Though, despite all the little comments I'm making, I have to say that overall, you wrote this very well. Though it did bother me that you basically bashed it a little in the author's note. I know I'm guilty of this too, but it can be very disheartening to a reader to see that kind of thing. Have faith in yourself and your work no matter how good or bad you think it might be.