September 13th, 2009 at 05:13pm
I really like the way you opened it, what with the introduction actually the middle of the story, if you look at it as a timeline. And I like how it started with speech, it's like the reader has interrupted them mid-conversation and I like how things are all a little bit hazy and not everything is clear just yet. I like how the details are slowly being added, it's not information overload and I like how it's not entirely clear why Toshiya has ended up on Die's doorstep until a few paragraphs later.
And it's kind of obvious that this has happened a few times, what with the fact that Toshiya just comes inside without even being invited. And also...“Don’t mind me….” The redhead grumbled. Die really doesn't seem to be too happy about this and I get the impression that he's sick of being the person that's between Toshiya and Kyo (if that makes sense). He just wants them to sort out their differences without him having to be involved.
But at the same time, he just accepts the fact that Toshiya's there and needs his help. Die’s frustration and annoyance melted away as quickly as it came, the glare in his dark eyes softening suddenly to be replaced by compassion. All he really wants to do is help Toshiya and I think he knows that it's bad because Toshiya didn't call him up beforehand - he just turned up unannounced and shocked him. And Die is just such a good friend to him; he's always there for him and it really shows in the way he acts around Toshiya. He may be a little bit pissed that he's turned up unannounced, but deep down inside himself he doesn't mind helping him. If that makes sense.
Okay this may be my favourite line in the whole story. :tehe: clinging desperately to his duvet in an effort to keep warm and to keep his best friend from seeing his nipples It's funny, but you've written it in a way so it just slots easily into the story without standing out like a sore thumb. It's subtle, and I really like that in stories, I like when things aren't glaringly obvious and in your face. And you do the subtle thing really well. It's definitely one of your strengths.
Sorry for epic quotage here! But I wanted to talk about all of this. Toshiya had allowed himself to get excited, made an extra effort with his clothes and his hair, truly looking forward to a date with his partner. Only, when it was time to leave, he found the blond wasn’t ready, hunched over his notebook with an old tracksuit on, frowning slightly as he muttered the words he’d just scribbled on the page. This was really sad to read, it made me nearly cry. Toshiya just tries so hard and because they've not had much time together because Kyo has just been fully absorbed into this song of his, not giving anything else any attention. And I think that Toshiya has tried so hard because he wants Kyo to notice him. He's really hurting that he's not had any of Kyo's attention and wants Kyo's attention to be solely on him for the whole night. It was also really significant that Kyo was wearing an old tracksuit, it really shows a difference between him and Toshiya. Toshiya has tried so hard and Kyo hasn't really made any effort at all - he hasn't even remembered, for starters.
And ohhh Kyo.
When Kyo looked up, he didn't see it. He's just so wrapped up in this song that he can't even read Toshiya's expression. It's so sad and the way you described it was just so tragic, it was only a few words but was really effective. It worked well.This shows Toshiya's dependence on Die. The bassist smiled despite himself, thankful that he had the guitarist to fall back on. He can't see the fact that Die is kind of grumpy because he's been dragged out of bed, all he can see is the good qualities. It's like he thinks that Die is always going to be there for him no matter what, and I think that Die's reaction to his request to stay the night was a harsh thud back down to reality.
And Toshiya is scared. Toshiya cursed him from the other, wetter side of the door and turned to walk back home, hanging his head against the steady downpour. It's the fact that he's hanging his head, more than anything. He's scared of facing Kyo again and is worrying about his reaction. He's scared of having another argument upon his return and I get the impression that he's lost for words. He's not sure what he's going to say to Kyo in order to apologise.
I thought this was really significant. he watched his lover enter the bathroom and return with a huge fluffy towel, one that Kyo usually kept for himself since it was the softest and largest. This shows just how much Toshiya means to Kyo, even if he's not very good at showing it. He's willing to sacrifice things for Toshiya and I like this little moment with the towel. It's only something little but it's a start and shows that he wants things to change. The moment between them was adorable too, and it was nice to see that they sorted out their differences. I love how you ended it, it was all sweet and fluffy. And it tied everything up really nicely. Good job, I really enjoyed reading this. And I feel mega special because of the ded. :tehe:
An odd combination, I know :hand:
Mainly, I was worried for poor Toshi and how his hopes for a lovely night out on the town had been smashed and then... he got soaked by rain and kicked out by a naked Die!! omgno:
But then, it was thoroughly heartwarming because of the ending.