Stutter Something Profound - Comments

Story/Review Game

First off, I really like the layout. Simple but very good with the picture, and it matches the tone of the story.

I love your writing style. You don't over-complicate or over-describe things, which is great because there's a lot of emotion and (for lack of a better word) action in this story. The mixture of long and short sentences is a positive because it doesn't give the one-shot a monotone feel. I especially like how it's divided - half of the 'story', though all written in the past tense, seems like memories/explanations and the other half is the here and now.

The "memory" half of the story is very realistic - the taunting, the laughter, the stares. Kids are cruel, and sometimes so can adults (Even the teacher. She tried to hide it as she tried to quiet the class. But I saw her. She couldn’t hide the smile.) and you've shown that perfectly. I believe this story - if there was an actual Mrs. Sarah Urie running around, I'd believe that this was their history. The characters are real, and so are the emotions. I like that there is a backstory to her phobia rather than just her deciding that she doesn't like to stutter and will never talk again. It gives depth to the story.

I love how Sarah changes throughout the one-shot, and you can tell. When she first stutters and her phobia begins, she's still a bit outgoing and slightly acusing of her teachers and classmates. However, after the turn through time, you can tell the effect that the silence has had on her. She's shy and sensitive and mortified of talking.

Another plus for me is the 'reassuring squeeze' that he gives her hand. It happens throughout the whole story, from start to finish, and it gives connectivity to the whole thing. And the A look full of love even is just perfect. It shows that she's trying so hard because she's battling between her love for him and her phobia.

My favourite line:

I guess after talking to someone constantly for almost ten years, you eventually run out of things to say. Very true and very simply-put. I love it. I also adore how the one-shot ends. It's quite funny, which lightens it appropriately, but it's relevent. It's a one-shot about Brendon presumably because you (or someone you're writing for) is a fan. And that's why it works so well.

My little peeve in this story is some of Brendon's dialogue. It seems a little forced, and too quick. There aren't many pauses between what the characters say to really indicate that they're thinking about what they're saying - it's just like it's a script and it's just rolling out of their mouths. Just a few pauses or added action/description (he though for a momentor she took a breath before saying-, etc.) would break things up a bit.

Oh, and:

We’d walk home together (Brendon lived next door) and he always knew that I was upset.
Should that be and he always knew when I was upset?

Brendon wiped off my face, drying it slightly.
That needs to be Brendon wiped my face or Brendon wiped the tears from my face. Otherwise... he's wiping her face off. She'd be face-less.

Overall, minus the minor grammar errors and some inconsistency, it was a very good, realistic one-shot. Left me warm and fuzzy inside and everything. I liked it; a lot. Congratulations on a very well-done bandfic; it deserves all the positive comments it has received already and the dozens more that are sure to come.

That was amazing!! I had a huge smile on my face when she finally told him!
Thank you for writing this. xD

Dude, I loved it.
Absolutely brilliant!

The beginning was very sad. I don't have a stuttering problem, but a lot of the time I have problem just.. forming words. I know what I want to say but it comes out jumbled most of the time :XD But its okay being crazy, I still talk more than anyone I know.

Random responses while I read:
Aww Brenny He's so kind and adorable.

:omfg: BRENT NO!

I just—I want you to know, that I love you. :cheese: Adorableness!

“Cause hearing you say my name is a major turn on.” ~~

Woot she got Brendon. All is right with the world.

:tehe:
This was aborable. Simply adorable.
I love the whole idea of it, though some parts were off.

It was soo cute
LOL Lucky Sarah getting Brendon
Anway it reminds me kinda of my first day of school

i. loved. it. so. fucking. much.

So, I found this extremely and utterly adorable. It was just really cute. And I kind of have this major crush on Brendon Urie, so it made it that much better.... I dunno what else to say besides that it was just... super adorable. And I loved how Brendon helped her get over her phobia, kind of.

xoxo <3 - Dr. C

I absolutely LOVED this story! This is the best story I've read on Mibba yet! It actually made me cry a bit at the end. Not the sad cry, of course. :cheese:

This was so beautiful. I absolutely loved it and grammer/spelling/etc was perfect. Good luck in the contest <3

Wow...
That was adorable!

He's such a cutie. :]

I LOVED IT
The plot was amazing and unique and adorable!! I read it straight through, they were so cute together, one of the best bandfics I've read <3
Brendon is such a sweetie <3
-loves-

Shit! This was so adorable!
Oh my goodness, I really liked this a lot. And the phobia was so unique as well.
Aww, and he was so sweet to her.
Gah, can't explain how much I enjoyed that! :XD
:arms:
Nice work!