August 30th, 2009 at 07:33pm
Nice, unique name for Emalee.
The part where Carly says, "So you fucked him when you were four?" made me laugh a bit.
I think it'd be quite hard, if not impossible, for a person to recognize someone from that long ago, though.
Also, there wasn't nearly enough detail.
it was definitely original, though. Good job with that :). Just add a bit more detail next time :).
I love the opening paragraph because it really shows Alex's cockiness and arrogance and his attitude in general, that he thinks he can have whatever and whoever he wants.
This line in the next paragraph: He had her. further shows his attitude towards girls and it just sounds so simple and I can picture him as being so smug about it.
I think the dialogue is fine, because you get to know the history between Alex and Emalee, but I also think you've skimped on the description just a tad. I think description of their actions or the what the girls look like and their surroundings could have been added to balance out the amount of dialogue.
This line was kind of distracting: He smiled, taking the guitar from me and setting it down against his amp. In it, you switched from third person to first person with the word 'me'. It interrupts the flow of the story.
Another error:
She questioned giving his a hug. - his should be him.
Once again you've changed tenses here: He nodded and took me again to the meet and greet area. me should be Emalee.
I think the 'I love you' came a little too soon. I mean they only knew each other when they were still children and at first she didn't recognise him so I didn't really feel like there was a lot of chemistry there between them to begin with.
Also, I noticed several other instances where you've switched tenses - I would suggest you go back and re-read it and edit it a bit so it makes sense and doesn't interrupt the flow of the story.