May 5th, 2014 at 03:39pm
For one, I got really interested in this story when I saw the Death Cab lyrics in the summary. Second: the first thing I noticed is that the first sentence seems kind of like a run on sentence. Maybe you could split it into two sentences. I mean, it has five commas in it.
“An omen perhaps? Perhaps…” I REALLY loved this line. It’s just so…creepy and ominous. It’s great that you put something like this at the beginning of the story; it keeps the reader hooked. The sentence that follows that seems like another run on to me. You know what, I might just be being picky.
“It’s quiet, but not silent” Wow, I love this line. At first the reader thinks, “How is that possible?” When you really think about it, are quiet and silent really synonyms? Not necessarily. I also love how you compared his trash-filled car to the male character. I must say, the last line made me sad. She thinks it is him calling, but if I am correct, it’s the call that tells her that he dies. You have quite a way with words, and the way you described everything made me feel like I was somehow there. It was sad, but overall, very good.
The first sentence was hard to read but kept me interested nonetheless. I do find it a bit irritating that you do no use any " marks before you let someone speak. But hey that might just be me. Your descriptions are very beautiful. You have a refreshing way of writing. Truly your own, cherish it.