February 1st, 2008 at 11:49pm
Not to sound mean or anything, but this did start off somewhat cliche - at least cliche for Mibba. The noncheerlearder-not pretty-antisocial girl is very cliche for this website. However, I stuck with it to give your story a chance.
It'll be nice," you had told me, "A change."
^ You went from third person to second person there. If you're going to refer to her mother and 'you', you have to do that through the entire chapter and story. You can't be like, 'mom this and mom that' and go into 'you' all of a sudden. It threw me off and probably threw a lot of other people off. Also, 'mom' should be capitalized since it's a name.
One thing I did like was that you gave Hayley emotions about moving to an entirely new state. In most stories I've seen the character is happy, which makes no sense. In real life, even if you completely hate the place, most people don't like moving to a new state.
When you first mentioned Hayley's last name, you spelled it two different ways. The first time it was spelled, 'Bhloo'. The second time you spelled it, 'Bahaloo.' And then later on you spelled it as 'Bhloo' again. I see that the guy said it sounded like the color. I suggest that when the woman says it like 'Bahaloo', you still spell it the way it is spelled, but outside the quotations be like, but she pronounced it like.... That way no one would get confused like I did.
Thank you. =)