August 15th, 2010 at 12:04am
Okay. So here’s the long-overdue review. Just to let you know, I’m really nitpicky, so don’t take anything I say to heart. I also quote a lot. Sorry.
First off, I want to have a little moan. I don’t want to be a bitch, but the dark coloured fonts make the layout kinda hard to read. If you could make it a bit lighter, that would be great.
Now. On to the actual review.
I love how you start the story by jumping right into the action. The description is good, but this bit doesn’t sound quite right: The pale silver light of the moon light his way down the street. I think it’s meant to be lit instead of light. The character of Damien comes across quite well through the dialogue with the voice in his head (Gabriel?) and with Chris. Aw. You crafted the death scene very well, and you could really see how much Damien cared about Chris. They seem to have quite a close relationship.
I should’ve known you’d throw hockey in there somewhere. Though I do like it, and it helps add that little bit extra to the story.
The ending is quite interesting and intriguing; vampires can do magic? I like it, it’s original. But one thing I don’t get is the Protectors, and the Council. Will this be explained later? Because it’s a wee bit confusing.
So. Next chapter. The first paragraph looks a bit huge, and it would probably help to space it out a little. Perhaps after He was a 17 year old transfer student from London, and maybe after He wandered through the airport as well.
I like the dialogue between Jamie and Christian. It seems a little awkward, yet not overly so, like it would be between two people who’ve never met before. Though does she have to keep using exclamation marks? It makes her seem really bubbly and over-enthusiastic, but maybe that’s the impression you wanted to get across. If it is, well done. It’s working.
The last paragraph is a bit… meh. “Y-you don’t have to,” Damien said, getting flustered. No, stop! You can’t actually fall for her! You’re supposed to protect her, you fool! Don’t get too attached! He mentally kicked himself for his feelings. He forgot all about this as he followed Jamie “home”. It just seems a bit too soon to be talking about falling for her. If you just got rid of that bit, it would sound better, and less love-at-first-sight. But I’m just being nitpicky now. Sorry.
Next chapter. So, vampires eat animals. Or at least, Damien/protectors do. I guess it fits with the whole protecting humanity thing. I mean, it wouldn’t be good to start feeding on the people you’re supposed to be protecting. He isn’t going to eat the turtle, though, is he? That would be so sad. I love turtles.
Could you space this out a little? “No, but I do have a turtle! His name’s Frank! Max named him, not me,” Jamie said with a laugh. // He laughed with her. Thank goodness. That makes this easier. He followed her inside. It was an average looking house. He would have to learn to use the items in it, since he wasn’t used to these strange things. He followed Jamie up to her room and saw her pull out her jersey, throw it on and walk back downstairs. As they reached the bottom, they heard her parents arrive home. // “Dad! Will you drop us off at the arena on the way out?” She asked. Just at the // would be fine, and would make it flow better.
I like the TV bit. It just makes it seem that much more realistic, because he’s probably not even heard of electricity. I’m guessing he can travel through time? Cool. Your vampires are so cool.
Another nitpick: “I will,” He said. He was beginning to feel lightheaded. He needed blood. He went into the park he had seen when they were running and found woods behind them. I wonder what’s in there...? He walked in and looked around. He spotted a weak looking rabbit. When he got close to it, it tried to run but couldn’t. It sat back and stared up at it. “Don’t worry, little rabbit, I’ll put you out of your misery,” He whispered. Slipping the jersey off and hanging it on a tree, he lifted the rabbit up until his mouth was near its neck. He opened his mouth and allowed his fangs to become visible. He bit into the rabbit’s neck and began to drink from it. Ah... blood. Sweet, sweet blood. My savior. He thought. Once the rabbit was empty of blood, he buried it in the ground, wiped his mouth, put his jersey back on and quickly made his way back home. He walked in and went to Jamie. Space it out a little; it just seems a bit too stilted with it all together.
Okay. So, closing comments.
I do like this story. I love vampire stories, especially original stories, and yours is certainly that. I like the little touches you add here and there; they really add to the story and make it more believable and relatable. You could do with a bit more description, though. At times, it seems more like you’re telling us what’s happening rather than showing us. But overall, I really like this story, and you’re doing a great job. I'm subscribing.
I loveeee the story line.