February 1st, 2010 at 03:29am
:) Thanks!
- RushKnob:
- (: So deep, man,
It's really good!
Loaded Question, Loaded Gun - Comments
-
-
September 22nd, 2009 at 03:50am
-
(: So deep, man,
It's really good!September 22nd, 2009 at 03:24am -
Actually, you brought up some really good points. I'll go back and edit that. Thanks for the suggestions!- sadly.sadistic:
- Hmm, I don't know how to explain it... Basically,
"and now he had, and God knows what would happen to his mother now."
Should've been something like, "and now that he had, God knows what would've happened to his mother by now." because, well, how does John know his mother's still alive at this part? Even if it does know... it sounds awkward. :/
He regretted the number of kids who may or may not have been on drugs because of him, once he had found his steady source of income as a seller."
I'm not exactly sure how you can fix this, but the words just don't flow.
And in that moment" <-- isn't it "And at that moment"? I'm not sure... :/
Somehow, as he walked down these endless stone corridors lined with metal bars, somehow he regretted not feeling.
Repetitive use of "somehow".
where he had found random ways to get money--mostly stealing; and random places to sleep--mostly outside.
I'm pretty sure this is wrong punctuation... :/ It should've been something like "where he had found random ways to get money (mostly stealing), and random places to sleep (mostly outside).
Well I'm not sure, but that's just my opinion... Don't trust me too much though; I'm only 14 in November, after all. ._.
September 18th, 2009 at 04:17pm -
Hmm, I don't know how to explain it... Basically,
"and now he had, and God knows what would happen to his mother now."
Should've been something like, "and now that he had, God knows what would've happened to his mother by now." because, well, how does John know his mother's still alive at this part? Even if it does know... it sounds awkward. :/
He regretted the number of kids who may or may not have been on drugs because of him, once he had found his steady source of income as a seller."
I'm not exactly sure how you can fix this, but the words just don't flow.
And in that moment" <-- isn't it "And at that moment"? I'm not sure... :/
Somehow, as he walked down these endless stone corridors lined with metal bars, somehow he regretted not feeling.
Repetitive use of "somehow".
where he had found random ways to get money--mostly stealing; and random places to sleep--mostly outside.
I'm pretty sure this is wrong punctuation... :/ It should've been something like "where he had found random ways to get money (mostly stealing), and random places to sleep (mostly outside).
Well I'm not sure, but that's just my opinion... Don't trust me too much though; I'm only 14 in November, after all. ._.September 18th, 2009 at 08:08am -
Okeydokey. Thanks! Do you mind if I ask, what are some examples of where sentence structure could be improved?- sadly.sadistic:
- Hmm, nice. It's a different writing style compared to most others'... I like it. :]
Good grammar, punctuation, spelling and paragraphing. Work on the sentence structure, though; it could've been better, and some of it was a bit confusing.
The plot was good Loved your last sentence; it was a great way to end the story. x]
All in all, great job! :D
September 17th, 2009 at 06:45pm -
Hmm, nice. It's a different writing style compared to most others'... I like it. :]
Good grammar, punctuation, spelling and paragraphing. Work on the sentence structure, though; it could've been better, and some of it was a bit confusing.
The plot was good Loved your last sentence; it was a great way to end the story. x]
All in all, great job! :DSeptember 17th, 2009 at 11:44am -
Anytime :)September 4th, 2009 at 07:39am
-
Wow, thanks! I wasn't expecting such a flattering comment. XD I'm glad you liked it so much.- Meganbrianna:
- OH MY GOD,
that was intense. So well written -better than most things here, actually- and just completely... ah. Completely compelling.
And I loved the ending.
September 4th, 2009 at 07:33am -
OH MY GOD,
that was intense. So well written -better than most things here, actually- and just completely... ah. Completely compelling.
And I loved the ending.September 4th, 2009 at 07:29am
I really like the storyline, even though I, at first thought it was about John Dillinger (Which I would have been off my head with joy about reading about xD.) But alas, a good story; quite enjoyable ^^.