A Cross to Bear - Comments

The title and summary really attracted me to this. It was short and sweet and made me want to read what this story entailed. I felt a sense of hope and I love when stories make me feel that way because everyone deserves a second chance in life. So, with that being said, I’m going to take a peek.

The opening paragraph was well written and beautifully descriptive. Everything seemed perfect, and usually it always starts that way with the scenario you drew out. I like how you hinted at how quickly someone’s life could change with just the small details of their surroundings, and the fact of how that person is going to live their life afterwards. With Evan, a new beginning started with getting his first tattoo and I adore that concept. The narrative part about how first tattoos aren’t important to some people, I would have to disagree. I don’t know, maybe it’s me but I currently don’t have any and I’ve been planning and sketching one for years. For my first one, I would want it to mean something and be perfect. I smiled when I read that Evan felt the same way. Three years is a long time and I respect him more for that.

I like Evan, his character and outlook on life, it saddens me that majority of us have to appreciate something after we’ve gone through something terrible, but it made him a better person. The emotions were real and I couldn't imagine how he felt. Aaron seemed like a loveable character as well. I’ve read everything up until Evan’s flashback and so far, I can’t wait to read further into everything and figure out Evan a little more as a character. This is an enjoyable read.

The conversations between Aaron and Evan were my favorite parts, I took a lot from this and the drunk driving scene was heartbreaking, I was glad that Kathy lived, I read some of the comments and even I thought she might have passed, but like I said, there was hope. The awareness of drinking and driving held its consequences and I loved how Evan vowed never to do it again even when all was well, he and Kathy lived. The constant reminder of almost losing your life seemed realistic to me in the sense of, I personally wouldn’t want to remember that day, but he did which showed a lot of courage and strength.

This was a lovely read and you have a creative tone and way with words. I know you tell me all the time that I do, but no, Cat. Your style is beautiful and captivating. Your story reminded me of one of my own and that was a nice comparison ;)

Oh my gosh... Cat, this is gorgeous! I love how you captured all of the emotions associated with drinking and driving and the toll it takes on the person in the aftermath. It was beautifully written, I just wish there was another chapter.

This is just going to sound a little lame, but hey. :) I really liked that the tattoo artist was an Australian, and I'm going to risk sounding like a jerk here - but I honestly do believe that anyone from Australia or lower down south would be totally non-judgemental about someone drink driving. I think it's because of the culture - maybe, that while people do it a whole lot, if they're still alive and making amends and no one died, then there's no need to harass em about it. I don't know, this sounds lame, but I think an Australian was a perfect person to have in that tattoo parlour. I also think it was good, because he had a different accent, you could picture his enthusiasm. :) It almost created a contrast between the two characters - like Aaron was who Evan could be, you know?

Anywho, I like that you presented drink driving, and that it wasn't okay, and that you could seriously ruin people's lives with it - and the fact that Evan had vowed never to do it again. I also liked how Kathy was still with him. I had a feeling that she might have left him, but the fact she was still there, that was a nice plot device. Especially with the velvet box. :) I thought that just kept reassuring readers that there is a life worth living if you make mistakes. you know.

I liked how the story meant something, and that it was like a lesson. It was a lovely write. I didn't spot any errors, at all. :) It was just a good read. :)

Brilliant shades of orange and pink streaked the sky

The opening of this one shot is just incredible. I can see the sky line in all it’s colors after how you describe it. Incredible. It’s just so warm and inviting along with the fact it sounds beautiful.

Now to some people it wouldn’t seem important, but to Evan it was the one thing that mattered to him the most.

I love how Evan is introduced to us as a guy working the average nine-to-five job in a stuffy office. He sounds so simple and ordinary but, after this “getting his first tattoo” line, I can tell there’s something a little different about him.

The tattoos is described as simple but, we already know it means a hell of a lot to the nervous Evan. I like how he’s getting it over an old faded scar – could this be the reason why he’s getting it?

The ink had left a perfect imprint of an image of stitches holding together a seeping arm wound.

Wow. The way you’ve described the tattoo is just amazing. I know the banner is the tattoo but, having you describe it makes me picture it in my mind without having to go back up to the banner. That and it sounds much more amazing than looking at a banner.

“A car accident – nearly three years ago now.

His reason for the tattoo then? Oh…

The flashback made my heart pound. Drinking and driving? He should have known better especially after losing control of the car once before. The way it’s done makes us (the readers) get all jumpy about him getting into the car and makes us worry because we know what will happen…

“I was young and stupid and I’ll never make that mistake again.”

The way he goes off about never touching a drop of alcohol again after his accident really gives us the moral feeling of the one shot. Don’t drink and drive or you could lose everything including your life. I love it, I really do. The way he tells us everything is quite amazing.

Evan grinned even more and gently squeezed the velvet box. “Definitely, I will. After all, today is going to be the brand new beginning of the rest of my life.”

The ending was just too cute! It makes me hope that she said yes (even though this is just a story) and hope they live happily ever after!

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Okay, I really enjoyed reading this story. It was such a touching story with a moral to it which I love. It’s a subject a lot of readers can relate to because we all know someone whose taken the risk of drink driving before or maybe, even done it ourselves.

Overall this was very well written with no mistakes I could see. Seriously just amazing.

you did a really good job with this! im started to judge the contest pieces and you've just set a very high bar for the others.

good job and good luck in the contest!

Wow. I really loved this story. I think it was well detailed, written & you captured the emotions perfectly.
I definitely thought at first that Kathy had died in the wreckage, but I'm glad it had a happy ending. =] It kinda left you with a cliff-hanger though, about his proposal, I am assuming he was going home to make, right?
I think the tattoo idea was really clever to, especially since it was a reminder of the things that happened, but showing he overcame such a struggle, & a bad experience.

Great work!, Very well done. =]

I agree, I liked that it wasn't obviously preachy but it still had a hint of a message.

Your charcters were realistic and I thought it was good that the girl didn't get killed because what happened impacted him enough and you didn't need to take everthing away from him in order to get that impact.

It was a short, easy read - which I liked. You said what needed to be said and you got your point across.

I liked how you went back to the accident as opposed to starting there so that when it came out, you almost suspected it but in doing it that way you made it seem more important, in the middle - the focal point of the piece.

That was really good! I actually almost cried when he was re-telling the story! And believe me, thats a hard thing to do!
I really loved this, great job!

One Shot For One Shot:

Wow. This was so amazing. And I'm not just saying that to be nice or whatever, this was actually amazing. I can't honestly say I cried but as Evan was re-creating the night of the accident, I actually teared up a little. Oh god, and then when he was talking about Kathy? That broke my heart. I was really shocked that you didn't kill her off. I know of so many writers here who would have taken the route and never had thought twice about it, but I love how you wrote this.
Aaron and Evan were so real with each other, and it was completely believsble. Aaron seemed like a genuinely nice guy.
It's understandable as to why you enjoyed writing it - it's an amazing piece - and I know I loved reading it. It was a great story, with a subtle hint of a message, but I like how the "don't drink and drive" wasn't the main focus of this, more of a subtle undertone.
Amazing job on this.

Cat, everything you write is so vivid. I really enjoyed this one-shot and how it brings light to a really important issue that needs to be addressed more. I loved the title, I love the inside analogy within the story... beautiful.

I have to agree with everyone else here, I figured you were going to kill Kathy. Which, is what I probably would have done had I wrote this.. Ha.

But I'm glad that you shot for a happy ending. It worked out really well. I also like the story you created behind the tattoo. I didn't expect it. :D

Although, I wish you would have gone into more detail about the car wreck.

They’d only been on the road for a few minutes before another car approached them, its lights appearing through the rain pelting the windshield. It only took a few seconds but Evan panicked, trying to overtake the car and, as a result, lost total control of the vehicle.

That was good, but it was missing detail. I hope that doesn't offend you. I just wanted to bring that to your attention. :D

Other than that, you did a wonderful job on this. Perfect grammar, grreat story. :D All around, it was really really good!

I liked it. I liked the tattoo parlor experience, going into a parlor and having this conversation with someone who’s practically a stranger. I like that Evan just opened up, telling his story, as the tattoo artist asked. It seemed pretty realistic. (Though I did notice one detail you left out – Aaron never asked Evan to sign an agreement; there’s usually a standard agreement costumers have to sign before the tattoo artist starts working on them).

Getting towards the end, I thought the timing of it all was a bit off. The time it would have taken Evan to tell the story would have been much shorter than it would have taken Aaron to do the tattoo. I just thought that was a bit weird.

I was so glad you hadn’t decided to kill off the girlfriend, which would have made this completely cliché – I thought that’s where you were headed. It was relief to see that you didn’t. And I love that Evan “learned his lesson” without having to hit bottom, you know. It was a terrible event, but it wasn’t tragedy, and that was enough. I loved that about this.

I really liked this. There were very very few, very minor mistakes. Other than that, it was perfect. I liked the idea of it, and you wrote it amazingly. I sensed the emotion, and obviously, he was going to propose to Kathy. For something so terrible that happened to Evan, his life was turning out very well.
You did a great job.

This was amazing, I honestly felt my arm prickle a little when Evan was telling his story, and My heart ached for him over the story, and I ws really gald that you didn't have Kathy die, which is what I expected, and I was glad that she was still with Evan, It made me feel happy for him, I know I talk about him like he is a real person, but thats how this story made me feel, great job!!

This is great! really well written!