August 17th, 2011 at 09:39pm
skeletn review
I’m finding most of what I said from my comment and Alu’s comment on the other story applies quite nicely here as well. So let’s talk about something else.
Your story to me seems to revolve mostly around stereotypes.
Gertrude: Some creepy old woman who hurts children and cuts into their brains.
Mallory, Sophia and Jeanie: The crazy best-friends who love to have fun and don’t really exist in anyone’s school.
A part from these characters I have one more thing to say on the topic, the main character doesn’t have a personality. Have you ever heard of round and flat characters? You lacked development, even if this is a short story, it needs it.
The idea, though interesting, is simply not realistic, it could never happen. There are laws, that stop it. Such as: Health and Safety Inspection, Business License. Even if the inspector for the Health and Safety didn’t know about her cutting into people’s heads, he would have failed them looking at the cruddy typical creepy hang out place you described.
A side not to the reality of the story is that there is no way an entire school could go to such a place? I’m going to assume they were in high school. My high school has 2500 people. Do you really think we could all go on a field trip? I don’t. The smallest one around has 600, still not likely. Public schools? (k-8) 300.
If you’d like any help with writing a future story you can seek me out, yeah?
Thank you for you submission. You're lovely. <3
Layout: Not the greatest...I didn't really like it.
Content: That was soooooo creepy! I loved the idea, though, and it was thoroughly spooky. Cutting into people's heads was just brilliant...like a mind-control thing! :) The title was so ironic with the story, which I thought it was great.
Overall: Great job. (: