January 2nd, 2010 at 02:07am
I'm trying to read this story, because the first paragraphs seemed intriguing, but the formatting of the dialogue is making it impossible.
This story is formatted like a cross between a story and a script. I know that's probably some particular style you're trying to implement, and I would never discourage creativity - except when it hinders function. And here it does.
Reading the dialogue is hard with no capitalization and punctuation, and when the normal flow of story formatting does not apply. Then the fact that it's centered and double-spaced, makes it even harder to read. Your eye has to roll all around looking for the next line, and it effects the dialogue's pacing and impact. By the time you find where you need to be reading, you've forgotten who said what last.
I would strongly suggest re-writing it in conventional format.
I think it's content more than makes up for it.
and i do how like how you're leaving at all very mysterious.
update soon :]