Levitation - Comments

One Shot for One Shot:

I hope it's okay that I chose this story, even though it's not a one-shot. If not, then I can comment on another story if you like.

I like how normal this first chapter is, how the characters interact. The situation is everyday, yet the conclusion of the chapter tells a lot about their relationship. It's very sweet. I'm guessing there'll be more on her nephew in upcoming chapters, because he seems like he'll be an interesting character.

I have a bit of concrit:

Mary Hanley, 34 years of age, waltzed into the kitchen of their modest house only to spot the garbage can, its contents spilling out of the sides.

I thought that the '34 years of age' part sounded like something out of a news report. It could still work, but maybe you could try to incorporate it into the sentence in a different way?
And while I like the dialogue (I think it helps with characterisation), sometimes it felt a little forced. I do like the slang though.

The ending line was perfect. Overall, I thought it was a good start.

Story Review Game

First of all, this bit of the summary hooked me: "What is love?

Love is a drug. It lifts you higher, and higher; and finally, you reach what is can only be described as levitation. The sweetest narcotic, the loveliest sin. And then? You learn to fall."

That part was amazing. I also love how you incorporated the story's title into the summary.

""What'd ya say? I was in the bathroom. I think the pipes froze again. No water comin' out." A masculine voice called, walking into the kitchen." There's a couple small errors in this sentence. There should be a comma after the bit of dialogue instead of a period, and the following "a" shouldn't be capitalized (I'm seeing a lot of this error in this chapter). Also, you should change the last part because a voice can't walk into a kitchen.

I found it hilarious how Mary repeatedly told David to take out the garbage.

Overall, this was an interesting story despite its grammatical errors. I really love how you use dialect in your dialogue, and I also love the dynamics of Mary and David's relationship. It's so real and honest instead of the fluff that I see in a lot of stories. I think this could turn into a really great story depending on how you decide to go with it.

I hope my review was helpful

Story Review Game

First of all, very original title. I love it.

What is love?

Love is a drug. It lifts you higher, and higher; and finally, you reach what is can only be described as levitation. The sweetest narcotic, the loveliest sin. And then? You learn to fall.
Perfect. The summary is absolutely perfect. It's gotten me very excited to read on and see what you're planning.

"Oh good lord, please tell me you haven't been trying to fix nothin' up. You know you can't fix for shit."
Right away, I love the realness of this. Real life couple do not go around calling each other "baby" and "sugar pie" all the time, it's just not believable. Couples are brutal, they're honest in the worst ways, and I love how early on you've established the realness of Mary and David's relationship.

"Well, damn, Babe...
Just curious as to whether that "b" should be capitalized? It just looks a little off to me.

After all, as man of this house, you oughta take the garbage out. Right?"
Hilarious, and very true. I love the character of Mary already. I like her no-bs attitude. She's real. And I like that.

I just want her growing up with a stoner dad like I did.
Hmm, I don't really think that this sentence makes sense in the context it was used in. I don't know if you meant to say that I just don't want her growing up with a stoner dad like I did. or if I'm completely illerate and am just not understanding.

"I love you, darlin'." David whispered later on, silently cursing himself. He'd have hell to pay when they entered the house again, he still hadn't taken out the garbage. Shit!
Amazing way to end it. Bringing the reality back to their "couple" moment. Very believable, how a couple can be all lovey-dovey one moment then at each other throats the next.

Overall, this first chapter is very interesting. I'm really curious as to where you would take this, just because there's not much information given about the future plot in the first chapter, which can work either way. When hints of the plot are not given, the reader can either get bored with the piece or become even more curious as to where things could go, but I think you're fine with this.

Great job.

its really nice. I remember the little bit you read to me...I'm glad you wrote more....but...its not eneough.....so get to writing.... :)

not bad at all. i know i can get on your nerves, but that was a good one. don't you love when someone tells you theyll do something and never does it? typical?!

Lovely title choice. XD Wish I could have helped you more on that, but like I said last night, I'm not sure what you have in mind for the story.

Can't wait to see the next part hon. I'll even help you more if you want.