January 7th, 2010 at 05:59pm
Thanks much for joing the contest darling. Judging has commenced. :)
Okay, so firstly I like the title bunches and the photo you decided to use. But I'm not a big fan of the layout, the font is hard to read, and that's mainly because I have poor vision but I just hate dark backgrounds.
"and your eyes watching each and every wave hit the shore made you seem like an angel" I'm sure it's just the word watching that makes the sentences awkward. Probably changing that to watch would make it flow better.
That's slightly creepy that he counted the time until he stopped crying. It...scares me that he knew that. But good attention to detail with your character.
got two a minute minor typo. Change two to to.
hurts like a bastard, I like that you say bastard instead of bitch. Made me laugh a bit. Kind of emphasizes that he's gay and it's bot a bitch hurting him.
“To be with someone forever, you have to trust them. Trusting someone that much is hard, it’s really hard and most people don’t deserve that kind of trust, because what have they done to earn it? Muttered three little words after sex, when you’re half passed out? Maybe they held your hair after you puked your guts up after a party, or maybe they lied for you, something. Something that you think gives them the right for your trust, but it doesn’t. Stuff like that doesn’t happen. One little thing can’t make you trust a person.” I love this paragraph. Not going to say why. I just do.
Okay, I'm confused. Jepha talks like he knows Quinn. So why did they have to introduce themselves to each other?
Okay, the only thing I didn't like aside from the layout coloring was the way you formatted this. There were a lot of paragraphs that should've been seperated. Like you seperated them the normal way, which is kind of dumb of me to say, but to make it more legible I guess, make it the mibba way. Haha. :)
Anywho, I did enjoy this. I thought your descriptions and the way your words flowed were incredible. Hopefully I can get through the rest of the stories and get down to judging.
To instead of two, when you say, "got two a minute". Standard mistype, I'm sure.
One thing that I just don't like is second person stories. I understand this was part of a previous contest, but ur;gaahjtoiugjh. Second person narratives just grate on my nerves like a block of parmesan to a caesar salad. All the same things can be said in first person, because it is essentially the same thing. You just don't use "you" "your" "you did this" "you did that"
It's like writing a letter to whoever you're talking about. I don't know...just bugs me. That being said, I rather enjoyed how you wrote this. It was very well written for a second-person narrative.
Your favorite part is also my favorite part. The dialogue between the two about their impressions of trust was rather spot-on, in my opinion. You capture the human quality of the characters that so many other authors seems to skip all together. Well done.
Your words flowed well, and I didn't find too many awkward spots. The entire bit about the boy counting the seconds as he waits for a response seems like something that someone would do while they're trying to be patient.
I'm taking this point from Miss. Critic up there...Okay, I'm confused. Jepha talks like he knows Quinn. So why did they have to introduce themselves to each other?
Overall, a wonderful piece.
Thanks for entering!
xx
Mae.