Finn's Petals - Comments

You entered this into my Femmeslash and Slash contest;

And I think this was wonderful. You used wonderful grammar and spelling, and I didn't detect one mistake. You had a great story line. Sorry I'm not giving you a wonderful comment, but all I have to say is this was great. I have to criticism.

Story Review Game
We are like flowers.
I like that you began the story with this opening line. Short, sweet, and amusing(maybe not in the conventional meaning). It’s like, making the reader wonder how this pertains to the story and—I don’t know—I like it when something simplistic like this catches my interest.

We are imperfect because sometimes, our petals don’t move in all the same direction, and sometimes our leaves are a little discolored, or maybe, our stem is broken. But we, as flowers, remain beautiful.
It’s beautiful how you describe this. It’s so very poetic and flow-y. Really beautiful imagery.

Finn’s face falls and his lower lip is tugged into his mouth and he’s nibbling on it, like he does when he doesn’t quite know what to say.
“No,” he says finally, it’s quiet but forceful, quite like Finn himself.
I think that when he begins to speak, that you should begin a new paragraph. I’m not sure on the whole grammar part, but I feel like it would look much better if it had its own paragraph or belonged with the paragraph above. I don’t know, it just looks odd to be placed there, to me, and I don’t know it disrupted the flow for me.

“Danny, Danny, Danny,” Finn chants quietly, his words ghosting over my cheek and his breath flitting over my lips.
Aw, this is gorgeous. So shivery! Heh, that’s the only way I can describe it, and I like this. I also like that I had to use the dictionary to find out what flitting meant; I’d never heard/saw that word before. :p Yay.

Towards the end, when Danny is speaking about what happen, I thought that he was way too fixated on the age of the other people. Usually, one doesn’t worry so much over the age so much as...well, what’s going on and how it affected everyone. I didn’t think it was too realistic that he focused so much on the kids’ ages. But I do like how you put a bit of emphasis on how he was dealing with the pressure to hold things together for everyone.

Finn doesn’t need imperfections to be beautiful and breathtaking, he simply is.
Oh! I love this. The whole final section was just lovely, but...this, this is the perfect ending. Beautiful. And now we see how the first line relates and everything. And I wanted to mention, I like the message in this story, even if it wasn’t intentional; that sometimes we need to break down and let someone else handle us. And that it’s okay to believe things will fix and mend and turn back okay. I think it’s really beautiful to think that. I like this story for that and the lovely, lovely imagery. I like the simile between people and flowers. It’s very pleasant, even though it maybe wasn’t talking about a pleasant situation.

Story Review Game

I really like how you started this off; comparing people to flowers. I thought you described it well.

He’s reaching out toward me, trying to find something to hang on to and not to let me go without him, but I’m turning away before he can grab my hand, and I’m chanting apologies almost unknowingly.
I really like this sentence. Not sure why—Maybe just the way it’s written. I really like the last part of the sentence as well. I can just hear him saying sorry over and over. I liked how you described it as ‘chanting.’ It just seems like a more unique way to describe this.

My tired eyes crack open to meet his hazy blue eyes, the dull color with brilliant streaks of green, already illuminated far more than they should be.
I really like the description you used. This isn’t the only sentence that had good description, but this one was really good.

To me, the dialogue parts seem kind of lengthy—but that’s probably just me. They’re still really well written and you can get a sense of how worried Danny is for his family.

Overall, this was really good. I like how you ended again with the flowers, but instead of talking about people in general, you use flowers to describe Finn. There was also a lot of emotion in this which always makes things more enjoyable to read. You can really tell that Finn cares a lot for Danny for the way that he comes to comfort him even though Danny had told him that he didn’t want Finn there. But you can tell that Danny is glad that Finn came back. You did a really incredible job writing this and I enjoyed reading it.

I hope this was okay. It’s my first review.

Im speachless. It was wonderful, and in ways, comforting. I love how you incorporated petal into this story. Good job.

Awe, baby girl, this was simply beatiful! I think you captured a petal very nicely, love love love!