January 12th, 2010 at 05:01pm
Right from the start this story draws you in. You intoduced her in a big way, lacing the story with her 'problem'. I have no idea how you accumulate another personality, but it's what you don't say in this story that really kept me clicking to the next chapter.
The way you opened up with him and the tapes is so original. I've got to say that I've never read anything so strange and endearing at the same time. All in all, I love the story plot and how you worked with it.
You did a great job describing how the other gilr hurts the first girl. The way you have her overeact to touch screaming about how she doesn't like it. You really got the feeling that there was another person in the body. Complete with jelousy, selfishness and a strange form of punishment. That's just pure brilliance.
I loved the idea you had for the ending. It just seemed kind of cliche that it was something in the newspaper. I was kind of expecting him to go visit her again, find her, then run away muttering that he's a coward. The line you chose to end with was really good. It gives you that finalization that most people require in a story of this length.
Anyways, I'd like to thank you for joining my competition! I am kind sorry that I only got around to reading it now.
There is only one mistake I found in the whole story;
Ch. 1If I don't run, I woll hurt my family
I will hurt my family.
Wow. This is not "craptacular" (great word, haha) by any means - it's AMAZING! The first sentence of your description drew me in, and I just kept reading. Wow. You've captured mutliple personalities excellently, in my opinion. I honestly can't say enough good about this story. Well done!