City of Stones - Comments

Very unique, very mysterious, I love it :]

I really reallly realllllllllllly like this story, this is the kind of thing that I have been looking for! I'm subscribing, I hope you'll update soon.

Chapter Ten
They’re heads
^^ Their

out of the corner of my eye I was a man lunging for the
^^ I saw a

:]

I have a soft spot for stories like this. :) I hope you update soon. *subscribes*

So I believe you need to update this. Just saying.

As promised, I have subscribed =). I've read the first few chapters and I have to say I'm intrigued, which is saying a lot. Not much intrigues me these days aha.

I look forward to slowly but surely working my way through this story!

My first thought while clicking on this was City of Bones, such a good book.
But of course it is not.

Anywho. I adore the title.
It's quite interesting and somewhat different.
You've got an attention grabbing writing style.
That with a few minor or major tweaks it could be
in your face awesome.

oh, dear a story I am falling for! I completly loved it! and Aleah looks so pretty!

I love the title. It reminds me of the Mortal Instruments series By Cassandra Clair I think it's 'cause her books start with "City of..."

But none the less I loved it..and I want more!

I love your writing style. :) It really grabs your attention. I'm not a huge fan of this genre but I'm willing to read more. :)

I love your writing skills

I love the title you chose. :)
Also, I'm really liking your story and it's written well so far. So good job!
I shall continue reading. :D

Kay - so because I love to whore out your work, I thought it would only be fair to leave a few more comments here.

You write really well already, so I actually just have this to say.

The Prince sounds like a right Royal Pain in the Bum. x )

And ooh... an impending war? My email address awaits your updates

Wow from the start when I read the summary I was hooked- the mystery/cliff hanger aspect and the great details are very effective. I'm going to keep reading this :D

I had a feeling he had known I was there even as I had hidden in the shadows, and he gestured
^^ I had a feelinf he had known I was there, even though I was hiding in the shadows,

and then closed it quickly again.
^^ You don't need again in there :]

This is getting more interesting now :]

I like this idea. You seem to have quite an imagination, and you write very well. :)
The only thing I must pick about is the extra stuff in the chapters, like the timeline and the definition of a mutt.
Otheriwse, great job.

I like how you write, and how formal it sounds. Like the definitions and timeline. :]
I also like the way there's the Fire Tribe and Water Tribe.
I'll be reading more later, I think. :D

This is really interesting.
I almost thought that it was
the City of Bones for a
second xD
I love it <3
/subs

I really, really, realllllly love what you've done so far! The story's got an interesting plot and i like the idea about the different tribes and that each character seems to have their own individual personality, making them stand out from each other. Love it! (:

Chapter One:
and a hiss loud came from behind me.
^^ a loud hiss

We’re going to take you somewhere safe, is that alright?” he said.
^^ he asked.

Chapter Two:
and I refused to us the same element that had killed my mother.
^^ to use the same...

Eight years ago, when my foster parents Zane and Amani had found my lying in the desert sand
^^ had found me

we had found the City of Stones. The City of Stones had been the first city of the Fire Tribe but had been abandoned during the first Elemental
^^ would it be better to say that they came across the ancient city of the Fire Tribes? Because they way you've put it, it seems kind of contradictory. They had found the city, but ut wasn't lost in the first place...just abandoned......

We had discovered it accidentally while trying to cross the mountains to get to the sea.
^^You did it there :] So maybe what was previously said needs to tie up with that line right there.

people to move the large boulders, so Seanna, an artist
^^I'm just going along with the whole time thing you've got here. Would it be better to find another word, other than artist?

This last tunnel was about fifty yards long and ended into the
^^ and ended at the first street...

Small tunnels had been carved out all the way to the tops of the mountains to allow in light from the sun.
^^ to allow light to filter through from the sun (maybe...)

The Council Room was in the building in the center of the city.
^^The Council Room was the building in...

“Everybody, shut up!”
^^ With the timeline...I think shut up would not be appropriate :] Maybe...silence, be quiet...You know?

Thank you.” he said in a softer voice.
^^Thank you," (it needs a comma, not a fullstop.)

Could everyone who’s not a member of the Council get out?”
^^Again with the timeline and the language.
Could everyone who's not a member of the Council please leave the meet? (I don't know, you have to be careful when you use words in these kinds of stories.)

I was the youngest of the original twenty-one mutts to find the city.
^^The word find...

I watched as everyone started to exit the Council Room.
^^I watched as the majority of the people began to exit the Council Room.
^^Using everyone makes it a little misunderstanding and contradictory when there are people left in the room.

wouldn’t make a difference.” a woman named Cerdwin argued.
^^ make a difference," a...

“You cannot ask this from a child!” another woman cried out.
^^ Another

responsibility.” a man argued from across the table.
^^ responsibility," a (comma, no full stop.)

Chapter Three:
Whenever I was beginning to feel trapped I ran.
^^trapped, I ran.

“You can’t keep running from your problems, Al!”
^^ problems Al!"
^^unless of course, he's stated that first part of the sentence, then gone on to call out her name..in which case it would be:
"You can't keep running from your problems...Al!"

“Al, if the Fire Tribe finds us the only difference you using your powers would be they would have a few more dead. It wouldn’t help our chances in the slightest.” he sighed.
^^I think you might need to read over that and see if it needs fixing. Something needs to go in there.

She literally danced with the flames, they would lick up her arms and legs without giving her a single burn.
^^She danced with the flames...
^^I think if you expanded that imagery, you'd have one hack of a beautiful description on your hands. :] I think that would be amazing.

Chapter Four:
it meant that there was a risk to every single live inside the City of Stones.
^^life...not live.

it was actually just a small tunnel cut through the rock
^^You alread used actually, and a repetition in the sentence doesn't do wonders.
it was a small tunnel...

someone just trying to pass the mountains.” Savion replied without even looking up
^^ pass the mountains," Savion...

“Good, I don’t want to stop.” he replied.
stop," he...(comma :])

Chapter Five
and if he was the rock would most likely knock him out.
^^ and if he was, the rock would...

ten minutes before Zane, Jonah and a couple of other men named Pierce and Braedon showed up.
^^ ten minutes before, Zane, Jonah and the (it might be a better idea to give Pierce and Braedon their work title here, just so they don't seem like other men just tagging along) Pierce and Braedon...
^^did that make sense?

They’re gonna take off anything
^^ going (language :])

he grinned down at me.
^^ He

You gonna help us carry him or
^^ Are you going to help us carry him or just stand there (and it would be a good idea to add some kind of humourous thing here, just to make the line enjoyable. Like...are you just going to stand there like a useless prick...but of course not so twenty-first century)

there in a few minutes.” he said to me.
^^minutes," he (comma...)

Soon we were heading back into our refuge and to the Council, to decide what had to be done with the mysterious Water Tribe boy.
^^It doesn't need that comma.

Chapter 6:
Just a little thing: It's okay for the younger characters to say 'shut up,' and all that jazz, because they're not as formal as the leaders. However, the leaders have to have that element of control, eloquence and all of that. :]

It's ten agaist one for crying out loud!"
^^ against (simple typo error.)

1) get him to eat something because he looked like he had starved himself trying to get here and 2) figure out why, exactly, he was trying to get here."
^^ People can't say digits like 1 and 2...you have to go, one and two. :]

What the hell?" I said angrily
^^ I asked angrily...

Niko's eyes narrowed at me before he sighed and then released me.
^^ narrowed before...

shut him up." he said in defeat.
^^ up," he (comma)

and the clay bowl clattered against the wall behind me where it shattered.
^^ and the clay bowl shattered agains the wall behind me.

The boy threw trays punches and kicks at them to keep them at bay
The boy threw trays, punches and kicks...

"He won't eat." one soldier said.
won't eat," one (comma :])

So eat the fucking food or don't, I don't care.
^^ No foul language :] You have to be creative with offensive words for these things. Shit is okay, fuck on the otherhand, is not. :]

He's a real Prince-Fucking-Charming."
^^I don't think it would be appropriate to allude to Prince Charming in this story. We're in a completely different world where those types of fairy tales aren't in existence at all. Unless, of course, you've got one mighty hidden agenda.

equals, mutt.” he snarled.
^^ COMMA :]

was wrong.” he sneered.
^^ comma.

“You’re going to sit there and let him say that?!” I shrieked in anger.
^^ Only use the question mark. The rest of the description of how she said it will allow the lack of an exclamation mark to show through...if that made sense.

That you’re too stupid to help yourself?”
The Water Tribe, if they're more powerful than the mutts and all, will need to speak more eloquently. Because they're of higher power, you should not use the same language that the mutts use.

Chapter 8:
Niko said suddenly in my ear.
^^ suddenly said

promise.” he said, starting to walk over towards me
^^ promise," he said as he started to walk towards me.
I just noticed...Niko can't be speaking in her ear if he's soon walking towards her. :]

looking for you.” he said.
^^ comma

So, the one thing you have to be careful about is the language.
The Fire Tribe and the Water Tribe (I think) have to have more range in their dialogue, bigger words, not so simple and clear cut.
The mutts can speak how you've got them speaking at the moment, unless...
The leaders still have to have a certain charisma, so slang would not sit well on their tongues.
The young ones, however, can use all the slang in the world. Except for obvious swear words.
And, it might pay to create some offensive terms of your own to make it all that more believable. Just remember your own time frame and don't bring anything from what we've got now into it...it would become unrealistic. AND USE IMAGERY! It goes down a treat in these sorts of stories.

Other than that, I'm subscribing because this is pretty good.

This is like weirdly interesting.
It's amazing.
-subscribes-
updatesoon?