February 6th, 2011 at 02:28am
I really liked this. You did a good job of capturing so much within such a short one-shot.
There are a few tiny grammatical thing that can be fixed.
I feel like you have a sense of Dean's voice but you're not yet quite there as far as the continuity of being true to it. This was rather sophisticated in places and I think Dean's speech pattern is a bit more down to earth. Not that I can talk, sometimes I'm not as true to the characters as I'd like but just thought I'd give you my opinion, even if it is hypocritical. lol.
And btw, here's a page where you can get all the BBcode help you need - BBcode Tutorial
It's fairly easy to make links. you just type in [url = www.whateverthelinkis.com ] Name of site [ / url ]
(but without any spaces in the code.) I don't know why I typed all that up when I already linked you to a page that tells you but I guess I'm weird like that. lol.
Once again, great job for having written it in such a short amount of time and especially for your first fanfic! Me likey mucho. :)
THIS FIC IS AMAZING.I LOVE IT. ITS SO DEEP AND I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT DEAN WAS FEELING WHEN HE GOT BACK FROM HELL. YEAH, HE'S USED TO FEELING PAIN, BUT IT STILL HURTS.
"If I ever met God I would ask him why the hell everyone I ever loved is either dead, invalid, or untrustworthy"
~I REALLY LIKED THIS PART. IT'S LIKE, 'YES I HAVE BEEN TO HELL AND BACK, I HAVE SUFFERED AND YOU CONTINUE TO MAKE MY LIFE WORSE. I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE AND THE PEOPLE I COULD TRUST ARE DEAD.' IT GIVES ME A LOOK INSIDE DEAN'S INNERMOST WORKINGS AND I CAN SEE THAT HE'S NOT AS PUT TOGETHER AND SOLID IN BELIEFS AS HE WANTS TO BE.
"I know for sure I can’t trust him ever again. I never will after what he’s done to me."~ PLEASE TRUST HIM AGAIN DEAN! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HE DIDN'T MEAN IT! HE WAS JUST BEING STUPID SAMMY PUPPY!!! BLAHH!!
"I don’t think I’ve ever felt this much agony, even Hell wasn’t as bad as this. I’ve never felt so alone in all my life, or this desperate to have my brother back."~ THIS SHOWS THAT NO MATTER HOW TOUGH DEAN LOOKS ON THE OUTSIDE, HE'S REALLY VULNERABLE. HE ACHES TO HAVE HIS BROTHER BACK, THE ONE PERSON HE CAN TRUST. HE WENT TO HELL FOR SAM AND CAME BACK TO SOMEONE WHO IS DEEMED UNTRUSTWORTHY TO MORE THAN JUST ONE PERSON. DEAN JUST NEEDS SOMEONE TO HOLD HIM BUT HE WON'T LET THAT PART OF HIM SHOW. THAT'S WHY HIS BROTHER WAS THERE BUT NOW THAT THE TRUST IS GONE, DEAN BEARS EVERYONE'S BURDENS ON TOP OF HIS OWN WITH NO ONE TO CRY TO.
"sam has always been the most sensitive person I’ve ever known, and to see that mass amount of demon blood covering his mouth was torture"~ MY CREYS. TEARS EVERYWHERE AT THIS POINT. SAM HAS BEEN THE SENSITIVE ONE, WHICH GIVES DEAN THE COVER HE NEEDS TO BE THE HARD ASS WHEN HE'S REALLY JUST A SOFTY. BUT TO SEE HIS BABY BROTHER DOING SOMETHING SO BAD AND TWISTED, IT WRECKS HIM INSIDE. IT MAKES IT CLEAR THAT ALL DEAN REALLY HAD WAS HIS BROTHER.
"Maybe we should just surrender and give up this fight between good and evil… that’s what I like to tell myself, but I know it will never happen. It’s kill or be killed, and I’m the one who sometimes wants to be the latter."~ THE ENDING WAS JUST RIGHT. IT'S LIKE, HE WANTS TO GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING. HE JUST WANTS TO LAY DOWN AND DIE (AGAIN) BUT HE KNOWS HE CAN'T IT ALL RESTS ON HIS SHOULDERS AND HES GOING TO DEAL WITH IT. EVEN IF HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE BY HIS SIDE.
THIS IS EVERYTHING THAT I GOT FROM THIS FIC. I REALLY LIKED IT. AND EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TO. THIS IS A VERY GOOD PIECE OF WRITING, ESPECIALLY IF IT WAS ONE OF YOUR FIRST AND THIS TYPE OF WRITING. YOU CAPTURED THE VOICE OF THE CHARACTER AND MADE ME FEEL IT.
THE END.
(P.S. I WUV YOU MORE THAN HUGS.)