Aw! Major aw-ness factor. This was a way cool idea. I want someone to do this for me! Especially if that someone is Alex. xD Okay, first off, when they're speaking, it looks a little better if you add an extra space between speakers so you can clearly see when someone stops speaking. This helps the reader, especially if you're a reader like me. I scan read. So I scan the paragraphs quickly and then go back and read them. Sometimes I skip paragraphs and go back, but it's easier if the paragraphs and clearly defined, y'know what I mean?
Second, that giant paragraph you got can be split into smaller paragraphs which also help readers. I think you added a bit too many notes in parantheses (almost positive I spelled that wrong). One or two is okay, but really, you don't need them. What you said would have worked fine without the parantheses. Some of them sort of seemed like a note from the author, which is something you want to stay away from. You want the story to be the character's not yours.
Um, I think that's all I could find... Oh! When there's a letter, make sure it's its own paragraph. And that's about it. Good job, I enjoyed it :)
Especially if that someone is Alex. xD
Okay, first off, when they're speaking, it looks a little better if you add an extra space between speakers so you can clearly see when someone stops speaking. This helps the reader, especially if you're a reader like me. I scan read. So I scan the paragraphs quickly and then go back and read them. Sometimes I skip paragraphs and go back, but it's easier if the paragraphs and clearly defined, y'know what I mean?
Second, that giant paragraph you got can be split into smaller paragraphs which also help readers. I think you added a bit too many notes in parantheses (almost positive I spelled that wrong). One or two is okay, but really, you don't need them. What you said would have worked fine without the parantheses. Some of them sort of seemed like a note from the author, which is something you want to stay away from. You want the story to be the character's not yours.
Um, I think that's all I could find... Oh! When there's a letter, make sure it's its own paragraph. And that's about it. Good job, I enjoyed it :)