April 27th, 2010 at 06:20pm
Story Review Game
First of all, I really like the opening paragraph. I feel like it sets a nice little introduction and isn't awkward or forcing or anything like that.
...her hands reaching out to touch every body she passed on the way. - I particularly loved that little detail because I've never heard it written, but I knew exactly what you were talking about.
Do you see what you do you to me? - You have one too many yous in there.
Other than that, I didn't really find any problems, grammatical or flow-wise. Good one-shot. It was pretty hot, I'm not gonna lie.
Sorry for such a short review, but I pretty much liked it all, so it's difficult to quote which lines were the best or which didn't sound right.
Good luck with the contest!
It is very well described and everything!
I think it's amazing :D