If I Can't Have You, Nobody Can. - Comments

Oh my shit she killed Frank that is totally wicked

Oh my God, this was sooo good!!
I love morbid stories and dude, this was waaay morbid but in a cool way. Love it love it looove it! xD

xoxo

Haha. Guess I lost the bet, eh?

So here is my comment. I really liked this. It was definitely original. I don't really like Fan-fics, but as for this one, it was worth it. The wording and everything was well done. As for the ending, it was the best part. I love how you ended it, a sense of uncompleted emotions strike with her last words.

It was amazing is what I'm trying to say. :)

Okay so I liked this for a Frikey it was well done best one I've read, I don't really do Frikeys.

I think something that would make this more shocking is maybe take out the fact of who the 'lover' is in the Summary, just let us find out as the story goes on.

Something else that would really be helpful is if you gave us more on the charecter inside the story, tell a little bit about why she thinks Frank is her's so to speak and why she is so enranged to kill him when she finds out he's gay..

Other then that great one shot loved it, keep it up.

Much <3 Kat

Holy cow. =/ He's gay? I would die if that happened to me. The man of your dreams and then boom! You can't have him. He's gay.

That was a great story!(: Thanks for reccommending it to me.(:

I really like your descriptions of the leaves and the weather. It would have been nice to have some background information on the character so the reader could become more attached to her and able to relate and sympathize with her. The one thing you really need to work on is the mood, at first it was kind of hopeful and serious with the changing of seasons (which by the way was nice to see that as a way to symbolize the change about to occur in her life) then it got kind of funny. Well, for me it did your dialog was nice but the situation was funny to me, I am sorry if it was not supposed to be. Then it went back to serious. Other than that this was nice I like the theme of revenge and how easily it goes with love it was nice to read about that. I like also like the idea of poison as a way to murder a person because it is really poetic which went with the events and emotions you were portraying. I hope this helped you a lot. I am sorry if I offended because I didn’t mean to. Truthfully you are an amazing writer and over all this was fantastic. :)

Wow, that was deep!
I loved it.
I... can't believe she poisoned Frank at the end, but what makes it so much more hearthbreaking, is when she said 'I'm sorry.'
That was really sad.
I love this!

I love this.
its always good to surprise the reader, and you really surprised me! I never would have thought that she would kill Frankie! completely Unexpected.
Great job!

Aw. A twist I was not expecting.

I’m not generally into reading fan-fiction, but since you’ve asked me to read this one, do you mind if I say a few things?

First of all, congratulations on your first one-shot!

Now, onto some feedback. Although this is a fan-fiction, and therefore most readers will already know what the characters look like, etc, a bit of description is always nice. This isn’t just for the sake of outsiders like myself, but also because drawing attention to particular features and mannerisms in a character can help everyone in your audience to sympathise with them... not just as they are in real life, but as you have created them.

This line was also a little bit confusing: " Bella I...I...I.I.I." Typically, I think it’s written like this; ‘I-I...’ But then, I’m just a stickler for old grammar. This is your work, so you decide.

I was also a bit thrown by the expression ‘doing it ass backwards’. Did you mean ass-backwards? Or was this a typo? Once again, this might just be something I’m unfamiliar with.

I also found it slightly unconvincing that she could be with the dude long enough to feel prompted to propose to him (especially since she seems to be umming and ahhhing about something as serious as proposal in the first place), and yet not actually notice that they weren’t in a relationship? Maybe you could supply some background information as to what actually induced her to believe this, as it just seems unlikely on its own.

It would also be good to get some insight into what’s going through her head when she decides to do something as radical as poison the dude. Psychopaths are just better when you know what they're thinking.

That said, I think this has some real potentially, especially the vindictive shunted lover element.

Cheers,

-Aelf.

This was pretty good. :)

oh my...well i really didn't see that coming at all...hell i thought she was going to kill he's lover not him! well this was a different one-shot...i don't really read mcr, but i do like what you have done. great job and i'm glad i read you'rs!