Monster's Game - Comments

i loved it it was splendid lol is there going to be a sequel or something? i think there should be xD

Absolutely loved it. At first I was a little confused little girl vs monster but then I got it, and I loved the sick and twistedness of it. Enjoyed all the detail and everything. It kept me hooked. I am sad that its finished, lol, but it was amazing. Love stories like this. Awesome job!

This is solid.

It's a good idea, and you have some nice details on very particular things.

I feel like the beginning was very rushed, with Ade being late, I wanted it to be drawn out. Also, her she doesn't act her age, sometimes she acts much, much, much too old. You need to watch that, it's important that you are her character when you write what she does.

Great work, super banner. :)

I'm just going to state that I didn't quite get the first chapter at all. Maybe it's because I am not even trying to concentrate, or maybe it's because of all the sugar I've had today, but anyways I want to compliment your layout. It's so simple and yet so creative. Even though I wasn't very concentrated, I did I get most of everything after the first chapter.

Yay for comment swaps, and keep writing this one! It's coming together extremely well(:

First thoughts; I like the banner, but I'm not all that fond on the dark background. It seems off when the banner is so pretty and bright. Maybe its dark because of the title? Anyways, time to read, yes? (: <33

I was a little confused in some parts, but for the most part, this was a nice, easy read. The emotion was almost tangible and the detail was really, really nice. I think my favorite part was when you described the young girl - the blue dress especially. It's like you paid particular attention to that.

I'm really glad I got to read this. :) <333
You've got some talent, for sure.

Oooooh! I'm kind of intrigued now. I don't want it to stop...D=

You should definitely keep this story going.
It's great. :D

Oh wow. I can picture everything you just said and how Adalaide says everything, that's how good you are at description. xDD

And I love your character's names. They're really unique. You don't find that a lot. :}

'Subscribed.

The layout is really pretty. The title captured me in which is a good thing.

I found it really intresting. You have really good description to.

Good job

:}

first of all, I love the layout. I like the picture you have, and the title was really eye cathing :) Which is important, because stories with interesting titles get me to click on them.

I loved the summary you have. It's not too short, but not too long. I love how it's to the point, but doesn't give anything away.

chapter one:
I loved how you started this chapter, and Adalaide is quite the character :)

The air about her became a sinister seriousness. I'm not sure if it's just me, but it seems strangely worded. I would change it to, 'The air about her became sinisterly serious' but I think that's just me.

“Oh, right. Umm…” Her eyes suddenly lost their light, they told a thousand stories locked inside her mind that no one would ever know, never understand. They threw salt in old wounds, but she did not cry. No, she would never cry. The last of her tears were taken from her by her fathers gruesome actions. - I like this, this caught my attention, especially the last part. I wonder what her father did?

Ada pretended not to hear, and layed her small hand over her lifeless eyes.- layed should be laid.

I like the characterization of Ada, I feel like she's a dark, disturbed child at this young age. She's very cute, but she's also different from the other stories I see around here, mostly because one of the main characters here is only six years old.

“P-papa? H-he must have l-left…” She began to cry, falling into the big tan chair once more, sobbing. “You scared him… Why are you so mean?” The small girl laid on the chair for a few minutes before pulling herself together and walking out of the room. - whoah, this was creepy, but in a good way. I'm starting to have assumptions, and I loved how you finished this ending. It was perfect, and flowed nicely with the story, instead of leaving it unfinished and choppy.

Chapter two

'He's just prying! Don't worry about it and let me handle it all. You're too young to understand how important this is to anyone! Let me do the talking!' Were the words that entered her mind. They were harsh, and made tears sting her emerald eyes.- I think this was very interesting, and I like the dialogue she has in her head. You executed them perfectly, and it wasn't overdone or under-done (if that's a word xd)

I found it interesting how she calls the voice in her head Mister Monster. I'm also curious to know why the voice in her head appears much older than herself. This is really good, I'm really into it, by the way :) I've decided subscribe :DD There were no grammatical mistakes or spelling errors that I could detect in this chapter, and I haven't done a review in a while, but I hope this was what you were looking for!

insanely amazing. i really love this, keep updating! :3

First of all, I love the picture you chose for the banner. From what the summary says, I can definitely take parts of the picture and see how it fits. It’s a perfect banner.

Chapter One Review

“12:15??”
I’m not sure if you meant to use two question marks here, but there should only be one.

Then as if triggered by his words, three short, quick knocks.
This sentence seems like a run-on to me, but that might just be me. It could be rewritten as something like, Then, as if triggered by his words, there were three short, quick knocks on the door. or something. ^_^

Excited, Brandon Westley, age 38, stood up for the young lady’s entrance as he had been taught to do when he was young himself.
I like the details in this sentence, and the fact that you pulled a bit of some of Brandon’s background into the story with just this simple sentence.

The door creaked as it opened, ever so slowly.
There shouldn’t be a comma between opened and ever.

A young girl with blue ribbons in her dark red hair peeked inside, her bright green eyes studying the inside of the neutral hotel room.
Again, I love your use of details. I can picture the young girl very clearly in my mind.

“As you wish Adalaide. It is more fitting, anyway, since we are practically family.”
There should be a comma between wish and Adelaide. Also, there shouldn’t be two commas separating anyway from the other words. It could be written as, It is more fitting anyway, since….

“I’m sorry I was late, Papa! Matt drove me, but there was tr-traff-ic? Yeah! Traffic! And then, after he dropped me off, I couldn’t find the room for the longest time!! Oh! And I woke up late!” Ada sounded excited, as if she thought Brandon would be proud of her for being almost an hour late.
I love how you gave her this dialogue. It’s written as I can envision a little girl speaking, and in the same sort of manner that I can see from a child, as well.

“Yes, we should. I guess it would be fitting..”
There shouldn’t be two periods here, unless you meant for there to be three and accidentally left the third one out. ^_^

“So what do you wanna know first??”
Again, there shouldn’t be two question marks here.

I’ve heard that they are things only a monster could do…”
I love this sentence. To no end.

“I’m six!” she pouted at him, leaning forward to glare at him.
Just throwing this out there: this sentence made me giggle.

her eyes suddenly lost their light, they told a thousand stories locked inside her mind that no one would ever know, never understand. They threw salt in old wounds, but she did not cry. No, she would never cry. The last of her tears were taken from her by her fathers gruesome actions.
The only fault I see with this paragraph is that her at the beginning of the paragraph should be capitalized. Other than that, this paragraph is brilliant. The details are amazing, as they have been before, and I love the way you used grammar to set a certain diction.

A strange smirk came across her face. “To the residence of Eavangeline Smith.” The dark aura was back in an instant as the grin stretched wider.
I like how you wrote this, however, I just have one small irk with it: most little kids that I know wouldn’t speak quite that well or with that kind of vocabulary. This continues in your next sentence as well with Ada’s line of words, ”Yes, this was his first victim.” I don’t know many little kids who talk like that. But then again, throughout the story she’s been sort of bipolar about the way she speaks, so maybe it’s just one of her characteristics?

“What had he done to her, Ada??” Brandon was slightly grossed out by this point. “Why are you laughing??”
I think the words grossed out don’t fit well with the tone of the story. Perhaps if you used a word like disgusted, it would sound more fitting. Also, (I hate to repoint out what I’ve pointed out twice before, but this is a review. ) You don’t need two question marks to get the point across.

“Ohh temper, temper. I’ll get to it! First, the reason for my laughing is of no concern to whomever this tape will be shown to! Second, do not rush me!”
I just wanted to say again that I don’t think most little kids could talk like this. It works with the story in some parts, but I think using this exact prhasing is pushing it just a little bit. I think you could achieve the same feeling of a dark, sinister story while making Adelaide’s vocabulary more child-appropriate instead of that of an adult.

Heart of gold now seemingly dark and full of rage, but this was not the case.
By adding in but this was not the case. at the end of the sentence, you’re contradicting the latter part of the sentence, which makes the phrasing just a little bit awkward.

All too different even though she’d been a witness to murder.
I think that perhaps you could use a comma between different and even, but I think that’s just me.

Blood covered her, the table and the carpet, but only a little. Like a light dusting of red snow.”
I like how you described the blood. It’s very vivid, and the adding in the part where she brings to mind “red snow” makes it seem like a child’s way of viewing things, which I think works perfectly with the story.

“P-papa? H-he must have l-left…” She began to cry, falling into the big tan chair once more, sobbing. “You scared him… Why are you so mean?” The small girl laid on the chair for a few minutes before pulling herself together and walking out of the room.
Ooooh. I think I understand why she’s talking more like an adult now. Or at least, part of the reasoning. With this paragraph at the end, some of the things I questioned about before make a little bit more sense.

Chapter Two Review

It did not look any different, setting aside the "too much cleaning, not enough mess" look.
I love the details in this sentence.

were the words that entered her mind.
Were should be capitalized.

You're to young to understand how important this is to anyone!
To should have two o’s.


"No! You're mean to me, and you're mean to Papa! You wont talk unless I want you to this time!" Ada whispered violently at the voice that was taunting her.
I love this sentence. (With this development in the story, by the way, scratch everything out that I said about Adelaide sounding like an adult and needing to sound more like a child. I get it now, and everything I “pointed out” pertaining to that is just fine. ^_^) I like how child-Adelaide (That’s what I’m going to call her to distinct her from the voice) is kind of fighting back against it. It makes what’s already an interesting read even more interesting.

'Are you being defiant? Do you know what happens to those who are defiant??'
I don’t think I need to point this out again, but for the sake of reviewing, I will. There shouldn’t be two question marks.

she laughed as he set her down in the tan sofa.
She should be capitalized.

, it seemed out of place on the young girls body.
There should be an apostrophe on girls, making it girl’s. That way it shows possession.

'Because you, my dear Adalaide, are not fit to discuss such sophisticated matters such as murder.' the voice exclaimed.
I love this sentence. It’s well-put-together, and the wording is as perfect as grammar can get.

“Well, daddy made me wait in the car again. He always did that! I would get so bored and im-pay-shent..? Yeah! Impatient!” Ada shouted excitedly, hoping Brandon would be proud of her usage of such a big word.
I loved how she sounded out the word before she said it. It made me smile Also, I like how you phrased it.

“So he told you that you were playing a game of Hide and Seek with Mr. Cunning?” Brandon sounded disgusted.
I like how Brandon asked it. He didn’t even bother to hide his disgust, which is something I’m sure most journalists couldn’t do, either. It’s a good sentence.

“Daddy! He wont come, but I found him!” Ada called to her father.
I love this sentence, as well.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I love this story. It’s extremely well-written, and has good grammar, description, and spelling. I love how you incorporated the monster and made him seem like another facet of Adelaide’s personality in the first chapter, and then brought out what was really going on in the second chapter. I subscribed, and I’m eagerly looking forward to more.

i swear this is the most amazing thing of yours ive read ever! you did a really good job and im proud of you. =)

--Junior