Fatal Attraction - Comments

Story Review Game

I really like the background on this. Just thought I’d put that out there. ^__^

To be a good serial killer, you have to a routine, a practice, a ritual, if you will, something that you perfect before you have your first kill. That’s how it should be, that’s how the pros do it; Ed Gein, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, they all had rituals.

I really like this paragraph. However, I think the second sentence seems a bit choppy. I would put a semicolon where the first colon in the second sentence is, and turn the semicolon into a period, putting the rest of that sentence into a completely different sentence, with a semicolon separating the name Dahmer and the word they. But I think that’s just a personal preference. ^__^

My previous murder -my first- was unpracticed, no plan, no ritual, no nothing; messy, uncoordinated, terrible, blood everywhere.

This sentence is good, but it doesn’t sit well with me. I would rephrase it as, “My previous murder—my first—was unpracticed. No plan, no ritual, no nothing. It was messy, uncoordinated, and terrible; there was blood splattered everywhere.” But again, I think this may be personal preference.

I had planned to torture her, rape her, malnutrition, and dehydrate her, but she was stronger than she should’ve been.

The word ‘malnutrition’ used in this way doesn’t make sense to me. I would change it to ‘starve and dehydrate her,’ instead. It would flow better.

I cut her throat, messily and unpracticed and it sprayed her warm blood up my arm and splattered carelessly across the molded brown carpet. I remember the effect the warm, sticky, red substance had on me, the immense attraction the liquid caused. Not to the dying woman on the floor: she was completely worthless. It was the seduction of the blood seeping out of her gorgeous open wound that caused the deep throbbing to start in my dick and brought me out of my enraged state.

This paragraph is amazing. I love it immensely. I love the way you described everything; it made me feel almost like I was in the room, watching the scene play out. It was a perfect paragraph, in my opinion.

She was bad, my first, she almost got me caught.

The second coma should probably be a semicolon, and it would flow much better. ^__^

Grab, kidnap, torture, rape, drug, torture, and kill.

Just a thought: did you mean to add the second ‘torture’ in? If you did, great; if you didn’t, I thought I’d let you know it was there. It sounds great as is, though; it makes him seem like a much more wonderfully sadistic character in my eyes.

She was older than Cherry, maybe by a few years, more confident in her actions. She was still overly sweet, calm and polite even to the perverted old men littering the trashy streets of New York. Her style was less classy than Cherry’s was but still far from simple, it was just more haphazard, not so planned out.

I love the way you described Blue. I could imagine her in my head.

but when Cherry had become visibly shaken and sped up her pace in an effort to escape the small confrontation that a different young man had started with her, I knew.

I loved the way you put this fragment of a sentence together. However, I think it should be a sentence all it’s own; the way it’s written now is a run-on sentence.

It was 3:58 when you showed up. Tight jeans, a Slipknot tee shirt, and a backwards baseball cap containing your wild but beautiful auburn hair.

This is actually kind of a freakily accurate sentence to describe how I look and dress. But I like that, oddly enough. I like how you used the word ‘you’ to pull the reader in. It makes me feel like I’m the one being pursued for murder; that I’m the will-be victim. It makes me shake with adrenaline of what’s to come in the coming words; and I like that. Great job on that. ^__^

I saw the way you eyed me, you were attracted to me even though you were afraid. Your eyes traced my small body and you looked away hurriedly when you met my eyes. Your brown eyes glittered with fear and lust.

I love the description in this. I like how you describe the attraction; especially since I am a Frank Iero fan and am attracted to him. XD

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this. I loved the description, and especially enjoyed being drawn in, as a reader, as the victim. It was stunning how you pulled that off. I wish I had that kind of talent. ^__^

the lyrics "i'll stop stabbing, when you stop screaming" come to mind while reading this.
x) loved the story.

I think you got scared of writing out all the preparation and posting such a story on mibba.
i'm a little disappointed. i wanted to read some good macabre, with a well-written torture scene.
i hope you'll try again.

I got chills down my spine while reading this.
This was spectactular.
I could see everything that was going on and I felt like I could kind of relate to him.
Amazing <3