sLaughter - Comments

Brilliant so far! :) I like it. Very awesome as well. :)

AWESOMEEEE :D

kl

PS.
Scratch out perfect, it almost was. I didn't get how Madeline was being raped by Oliver when she was supposedly making love with Andy.

Everything was perfect!! :D
I love the way you write so descriptive.
And I love how you filled in my hooks from chapter 2 on chapter 3 very detailed ^-^
Its going to be tough writing the excitement to the next chapter, hehe.
xoXO
zilly

DUNNDUNNDUNNNNNI'MPSYCHIC.

...Okay, that wasn't that hard to figure out, but still. YES.

I liked the way he was still there. It made me... I dunno. Want to laugh? XD

Why is it that I'm laughing at something that is SO obviously not funny?

....I'm sick. =.=

Still, a very interesting story.

Oops. I have NO idea how that slipped!! *horrified*

It was probably my daemon unconsciously writing for me again. -_-

Hehe, well its all up to you now!!

And thanks for letting me know, I have trouble with keeping it present tense since i'm so used to past tense. >.<

I'm glad you liked it, though I feel like I should put myself more into it.

I found a mistake in the update. You called Andy 'Aaron' once:

"letting Aaron follow her in"

And Zilly, you accidentally switch between past and present.

But anyway, nyehhhh, Olli's a creeper! I'm sorry, but I totally love Mr. Serial Killer more than Mr.... Bed Sneak Creeper. And I'd kick him too. >_> I hope she shoves him out of the bed. And then kills him for perversion. Or something, I dunno.

Why do I feel like he's going to die, sending her down a path of bloody obsession, landing her in partners of crime with Andy?

Uhhh, sorry for the short comment, I don't have much else to say besides that I liked it.

zillaidma:

True, they would be separate sentences or worded differently.

Separate:
As she started walking, she heard a deep rumble come from the sky. She looks up to see the darkening sky, grimacing inwardly.

Different:
She heard deep rumble come from the darkening sky she started walking.

Just some suggestions or ideas in the sentence structure.

You're right, I'ma go do that as soon as I can. :)

L Lawliet:

As she started walking, she heard a deep rumble come from the sky, and she looked up to see the darkening sky, and grimaced inwardly.
Something about that sentence didn’t flow right. I don’t think the part “and she looked up to see the darkening sky” should be separated by those commas. I think you could have found a better way to put those sentences together in a way that flowed better than that. I don’t think it’s worded quite correctly either, picking some different words probably would have been better.

True, they would be separate sentences or worded differently.

Separate:
As she started walking, she heard a deep rumble come from the sky. She looks up to see the darkening sky, grimacing inwardly.

Different:
She heard deep rumble come from the darkening sky she started walking.

Just some suggestions or ideas in the sentence structure.

Story Review Game
I’m not particularly fond of the font color you used. Against the red background, the black text is kind of hard to see. I think it’d be better if you used white or a lighter color than the black. It would probably be easier to see than the current text. I didn’t even bother trying to read past the summary with that text, I had to go to a default layout to read the story without trouble. Another thing I’m not too fond of his how the “L” is capitalized in the title, what is the point in that? I’m not too fond of the way that looks much at all. I think it’d be better to change it to Slaughter… It just doesn’t settle right with me. Sorry.

I do like the summary you’ve got for the story though. It’s got a creepy tone to it and having that sort of tone to a story is a good way of luring in a reader. The summary did get me interested in the story, so good job on that. It’s a simple summary, it doesn’t give anything away about what the story is about or the plot but it is also enough to lure in the reader.

Chapter One
“Hey, baby. Nice rack!” A disgusting man with a beer belly and whiskey breath called out to Madeline Tremayne as she walked along the street, her high heels click clacking on the pavement beneath her feet.
That description was very well written. The way you described him gave the reader a good picture and a good sense of just what type of person he is. It was a good description of the man.

This same thing happened every night with her, as she was walking the streets of New York City on her way home from her job as a waitress. And the same thing always happened to the men who decided to try and pick her up; they ended up on the ground, wincing in pain.
I really liked that paragraph. It gave us a good insight on how the character is a strong girl. It was a good way to introduce the character and let us in on a little knowledge of how she really is.

As she started walking, she heard a deep rumble come from the sky, and she looked up to see the darkening sky, and grimaced inwardly.
Something about that sentence didn’t flow right. I don’t think the part “and she looked up to see the darkening sky” should be separated by those commas. I think you could have found a better way to put those sentences together in a way that flowed better than that. I don’t think it’s worded quite correctly either, picking some different words probably would have been better.

This is the third murder of its sorts, and the NYPD is at their end’s wit trying to find a suspect.
I think the sentence would flow better if sorts was replaced with type. And if end’s wit was replaced with wit’s end… I think the original saying is “wit’s end” anyway. It just seems like that would make that sentence flow better.

The fact that the main character was so comfortable sitting in the room with a man she knew was a serial killer was a bit off putting to me. I just don’t think it was the right time to make her come out and be so comfortable with it. But maybe that’s just my way of thinking. It’s also off putting that she’d just simply invite a complete stranger into her house without a second though. It just doesn’t seem like a real reaction someone would have at a murder scene.

Overall the story was a good one. It was an interesting read. You did really well on it. Good job.

O. Mah. Gudnez.

Aaaaand the LOLCatz speak ends there.

Zilly, the ever active told me to check this out. 0_o

...I'm so impressed. Wow. And I grinned at the title because I wrote a song once where there's a line that goes:

"And there's laughter in sLaughter,
but no happy ever after"

And same spelling and everything. loveloveloveloveeeee it!

*SUBSCRIBE*

Damn, what defense! Kicking Joe like that...my hero!! <3

I love the way you write in detailed descripion ;D

Hm. As I'm reading this, there are some commas that are annoying me :shifty

Typo alert? Unless its actually supposed to be spelled "stairwells" >.>...<,<...>.>

The way you make speak Oliver is precise and it makes it so perfect! I give you loads of credit there ;D

“I’m fascinated by it,” She said, looking back at the scene. “You may think me odd for saying this, but I’ve always thought murder was…passionate. Beautiful, in a way.”
Oh my gosh, its just like me!! =DDD This is such a precious paragraph! <3333

Damn, she has issues with Oliver lol Andy is my hero <33

Ahh, I saw an "Aaron" there!! Erase!! Delete!! Dx

Fu*k that's a PERFECT ending!! *faints*

I'll have to get cracken on the update lol. I going to take off that "Aaron" myself if you don't mind, and edit the little commas that don't go in place. Overall, that is some kick ass Chapter One ;]
xoXO
zilly