Youth and Beauty - Comments

Ok I know this is slightly off topic and the comment is newer than this story, but I am a big Ben Barnes/Georgie Henley fan please! A couple of Ben/Georgie rpf's??!

great start!

i personally love this story already :-)

Story Review Game

First of all, I love the layout. It's easy on the eyes without being ugly or over-worked on. The picture seems a bit small, to me, but it's a nice picture.

The summary is great. The first paragraph was different than what I usually see, and it really caught my eye. For the bolded bit, did you mean to say "People are the same way"? I'm guessing so. You might want to change that.

The second paragraph was good, too. It reveals a lot of plot before the story, and those three words "on the outside" are a subtle hint at the fact that the family might not be as normal as you're making them seen. Only on the last sentence does it reinforce this, and definitely drags you in.

It's obvious from the get go that you're an incredible writer, and the whole waking up part is very realistic. Unlike most story, instead of starting with a huge event or starting with no event at all, you started with an interesting and probably important event, but it doesn't seem like crucial one. That could be taken as a bad thing, but I think it's good. One thing I would suggest is not to use parenthesis, because it's kind of informal. If that was your goal, go ahead.

I like how it wasn't "and when he looked into my eyes, I knew he was my true love". You can't even be sure that the two are going to turn into something. All you know is that Laurie saw a hot guy and he watched her walk into her room. Actually realistic.

You have to understand, I'm usually the most critical person you will ever meet, no exaggeration. But I'm having a very hard time finding things to critisize in your story. xD I'm sorry.

This one, please. I'm not going to change anything no matter what the review, but I think it would be interesting to get some concrit for my younger self.