Thin and Sin - Comments

I almost started to cry I'm not even kidding.
This made me think of something I went through with my dad.
Wonderful story, great last line.

Oh my, this was so so sad. :'( The last line really hit me.

You watch as her bird-arms snake protectively around her waist, the piano bones of her ribcage jutting through and all that’s running through your head is where did I go wrong?

I like the contrast between bird-arms snaking around her waist. Or at least I think contrast is the right word. And then how you describe her bones are piano keys, that is brilliant.

(she’s dead on her feet, dead on her fairy bone feet.)

Describing her as a 'fairy' is great. Because she's so thin and airy. I love that.

And your heart breaks again and again because you’re supposed to be the hero and help her get through thick and thin and now that’s all that’s left of her; thin.

This is my favorite line. Because every dad is suppose to be a 'hero' and you can really tell hoe bad he is hurting. And I think it's a nice play on the title.

All in all this was an amazing story. :)

One Shot for One Shot

Oh God. That was... That was heartbreakingly beautiful.
From the first word, to the last I was completely absorbed into the story.
You have amazing descriptions. Absolutely amazing. I don't even know how to tell you how perfect they were.
The emotion was so real. This whole piece made me feel... It made me think.
Like I said, it was beautiful. You're writing is beautiful.
And I wish I could truly describe how amazing it was with just words, but I can't seem to do that.

'But fate is cruel, and the moment she’d felt the need to start living again you had to stop.'

That just hit me. That one little line made my stomach twist. But in a good way. It was so sad but so pretty at the same time.

'You watch as her bird-arms snake protectively around her waist, the piano bones of her ribcage jutting through and all that’s running through your head is where did I go wrong?'

That description was so fucking gorgeous.

This was one of the most beautiful things I've read in awhile.

One Shot for One Shot

The title is certainly intriguing.
The plot line certainly matches to the titles excitement.
You've got a common writing style which is good and could get you far.
Just a few improvements in description and detail and you'll soar.

One Shot For One Shot!

Can I just say, that this was amazing.
The writing was just spectacular.
I could really feel the emotions of the story as I read it.
Just from this I can tell you're an amazing writer. I really enjoyed reading this.

wow, this is really hard hitting on such a touchy subject.
you dealt with it really well, and the imagery was enough to get your point across without actually getting into the details.
i know that many people will be able to relate, and this is written exceptionally.
well done.

Exceptional - what else is there to say? I loved every word of it.
I really admire your writing and how you managed to make a story on such a devastating subject become so beautiful. It moved me.

This was an amazing oneshot. I loved every second of it. Mostly I could relate to it. Which made it even better. I like your writing a lot.You might even be my new favorite author.

one-shot for one-shot

I saw this story on the pimping and reccing thread and it sounded interesting, so when I saw it on the one-shot thread I got really happy.

The first paragraph is just.... wow. It really brings the readers into the story and is just so amazingly written. I've read a couple of stories on here that use a second person POV, and frankly, they just don't make the cut. I think the way you used it in your story really made it so much more effective, so the reader could really feel the way the mother feels.

Another thing I love is your lack of quotations and instead have the words just in italics. I think it just sets the perfect mood for the story and really brings out how both the mother and daughter are going through.

The scene in which the daughter is in the hospital is very moving, because the daughter just has this emptiness inside her and it really makes me feel for the mother and how she's trying to help her daughter, again the italics work really well and I think regular quotes would've probably taken away from the general feel that the story is trying to portray.

There’s the image of her throwing the untouched plate away and suddenly the world topples over into an ocean of black.
I love love love this line. It's just filled with so much emotion and you can almost feel how the mother feels, and it gets me angry at the daughter because her mom doesn't deserve the way she's feeling and worrying about her daughter so much! I can see why she would be so heartbroken when the daughter moved out and never answered her phone calls, because she doesn't know if she's going to be okay and that really hurts her. Your writing style is just amazing at portraying this, and it makes me really sad.

And as you can tell, I was commenting while I was reading this, because I had no idea that the mother was actually her father! I think it just makes it a little more closer, because he really cared about his daughter like I know so many dad's do. It really makes me think exactly how father's feel in having to let go of their daughters and... wow, I just really wasn't expecting that. It was a lovely twist, and I think it made me like this story even more. There are tons of stories about mother/daughter relationships it's really refreshing to see a father/daughter relationship.

Promise me. you say hoarsely. Promise me you’ll…live a long happy life, find someone who will love you half as much as I do…don’t waste away.

But fate is cruel, and the moment she’d felt the need to start living again you had to stop.

Oh gosh, what a perfect and horrible way to end the story. Perfect because, well, it was perfect. And Horrible because even though I knew that was probably going to happen, I still didn't want it to. Gosh, that was so sad, but so beautiful. I've read so many Eating Disorder stories that I've stopped because they just aren't very original...or good. But this was just perfect because instead on focusing on the nitty-gritty details of her disorder, it's about relationships and the horrible things those disorders cause in the family. Really effective, because I felt more for this than any other story with a first person narrator going on about how fat she is.

Really magnificent story, I might just have to check out some of your other works

story review game

I really loved this :D It was a beautiful one-shot, one of my favorites to be honest. Your sentence structure flowed together nicely, and the way you described her was perfect. The summary was nicely done, it gave away just enough, but not too much.

You watch as her bird-arms snake protectively around her waist, the piano bones of her ribcage jutting through and all that’s running through your head is where did I go wrong?

I like that sentence :D I guess it just appeals to me. I like the words you used to describe her. I loved the "piano bones" part.

These two paragraphs caught my attention :
You stare at her, those words feeling like a knife to the heart. You have to stop, you choke out, matching fire for fire. you’re not okay.

There’s not even a glimmer of the girl you’ve loved and nurtured for all these years in those gray eyes as she speaks. (she’s dead on her feet, dead on her fairy bone feet.)

You can really tell you put a lot of thought into it, and I can feel the emotion through the father. I can connect with him, (even though I've never experianced this sort of thing) and it absolutely just breaks your heart.

I found no mistakes, but I might have missed, because I was so into this, haha.

Another sentence I thought was well executed:
And your heart breaks again and again because you’re supposed to be the hero and help her get through thick and thin and now that’s all that’s left of her; thin.

I like your writing style, it's very captivating. The story went right to the plot, no dilly-dallying, which I like. The italics, as Atmosphere said, really added raw emotion to this. I could help but feel for the girl. I just wanted to shake her and be like, "Stop killing yourself!"

This sentence was just beautiful in a sad way;
it’s about time my heart finally cracked. It's those simple sentences that catch my attention.

The ending was really sad, and I never expected it. Overall, I really loved this one-shot. I'm glad I reviewd it. These are the sort of stories I like to read about :D

...Wow.
This is just... heart-breaking.
I don't really get to read anything involving eating disorders or self harm (though I really don't read anything at all on here) &this was just... so great, &beautiful.
The way you described things in this was just, amazing. I loved everything, mostly how everything sort of came full-circle in the end... It's just tragic, &gorgeous &amazing.
Well done.

One Shot for One Shot

I just finished reading, and I sort of sat here for a minute.
I knew it was going to be good, but my god. This...I have so many things to say. My mind is having trouble getting around each one.

I'm horrid, I typically don't read the summary. I just like to dive into a story and see where it takes me, just imagine it as I go along. One of my first thoughts was that it read like a slam poem. I could hear someone yelling lines, and whispering others. It was powerful and emotional, and just...wow. I'm not going to forget this one easily. I don't think I could.

The next thing I noticed were the italics. They added so much to this story, so much...just raw emotion. I liked how you ignored grammar rules for the dialogue, like it was unspoken. Like it didn't need to be interrupted by quotation marks. It helped flow, and that was vital in this piece.

Oh gosh. The descriptions. They're brutal yet elegant all at the same time. I don't know how you managed that. I honestly don't. Good god. It's beautiful. Your mention of butterflies in the first paragraph almost made me weep. Just, that imagery. It portrays elegance and grace and beauty, with a hint of almost...vulnerability.

I love the POV you told this in. It's chilling, almost.

This is beautiful, and I wish I had to words to truly capture it.
That last line tore me to pieces. Just the fact that she gained life while he lost his.
It's like he gave his for her. I'm speechless....I honestly just have no words. Stunning can't begin to cover it.

The title, first off, really intrigued me. I was instantly wondering of the topic; anorexia, perhaps? A girlfriend? Paranoia?

The summary pulled me in further. The quote interested me, and left more up to my imagination, and I was eager to read.

I was straight away absorbed into the story. It was so powerful and I loved the view point used.The italics were so effective too.

The descriptions were almost magical, in a sense. They were so subtle and everything flowed and it was such a delicate topic and I loved it.

It was so awful, the topic, and what happened, yet perversely it was amazing to read.

My new favourite fic.