Patience - Comments

STORY REVIEW GAME.**

I like how you started with dialog. That’s always a good way to intrigue your readers. (:

A pounding heart, a loss of breath, a mind racing at high speed.
I like this “fragment” a lot. Even though I have no idea what’s going on, I like the snippets you’re feeding me.

To say that I should have tried harder to prevent the situation he is now facing would be.
You should probably finish this thought, wherever you were going with it. ;3

Jason never once took the matter of my therapy services into his own hands, but he never objected to showing up every Tuesday and Thursday at five thirty, either.
This is just me being a grammar Nazi and you really don’t have to pay attention to it, but I’m pretty sure the rule is that unless the number starts a sentence, it should be written in number form, i.e. 5:30.

I can’t really include details because there’re so many of them, but I absolutely love Jason’s depressed character and how well you capture him. It’s amazing. (:

Your writing is very orderly and proper, something I understand well because of your narrator. You capture this great, too, making everything seem prim and businesslike.

"I can't do this anymore, doc," Jason's muffled voice uttered from behind the pale and trembling hands. He looked up at me, eyes glossy and filled with desperation, but the tears weren't quite flowing. “You've gotta fix me. I don't wanna be like this anymore."
I love the desperation you created within Jason here. You write with amazing detail.

“That makes it sound…so sleazy. It wasn’t like that.” He sat up and turned to me, speaking quietly. “I love them both. Equally, with…with everything that I am and that’s why…” Jason’s voice cracked, and the tears were just beginning to form again. “That’s why it’s so hard to live without both of them.”
I don’t know how many times I’m going to say it, but I just love the shit out of Jason. His character is so deep, even if he’s flooding with insecurities and problems and depressing thoughts, he’s incredible. And I feel bad for more his wife, I think, than Jason. But that’s just at this point in time. :3

He didn’t choose me; he never was going to choose me. It was a no-brainer.”
That’s basically the most emotional line you’ve written throughout this whole story so far. It’s full of meaning, even in its simplest terms.

I don’t quite understand how Jason falls in love with both people, and still gets to keep one and can still be as unhappy as he is. This has nothing to do with your writing, just the human feelings. I hate that, how like, greedy people are. Again, nothing to do with your writing or this, just pointing that out, hahah.

“Jason, surely Billie was once a good friend, right?” Jason tightened his jaw and looked away. The answer was yes, but he didn’t want to admit it. “Don’t you miss that? And Mike…he was more than a lover; he was your best friend, was he not?” I detected the tiniest head nod possible; I was breaking in. “Jason, your hostility towards them has cost you their friendship.”
It might just be me, but I feel like you use Jason’s name too much. Two out of three sentences is a bit of an overload.

“You told me it’d work! You told me I wouldn’t care anymore! None if it’s helping. When am I gonna start getting better like you promised?”
Of*

“Do you know what he said? Do you know what Mike said? He said…he said, ‘I can’t believe I let it go on that long. I can’t believe he actually fell for me and he actually thought I did too.’ And then you know what he did? He laughed. He laughed at me. He said it was all a joke.”
So, my heart just shattered.
Poor Jason. That’s the worse thing ever, ever, ever.

But he did not show up then, wither.
Either*

I can’t believe he killed them, dude. That was a total shocker, for sure. Excellent job writing that, m’dear.

You’re an excellent writer with very few grammatical errors and you capture your characters and your emotion really well.
The only thing I have to say about this is the length. I think you could’ve definitely broken this into a two-shot.
It was just increeeeeeeedibly long, but increeeedibly good.

Story Review Game
Let me start by saying I do love the layout. The background looks really good. I also like the summary. The summary is interesting, and I like how it’s kind of just a small rhyme. But it helps make the reader wonder what the story is really about. I don’t really think the note is necessary though. It just seems like you warned us of something common sense should tell us, you know? One thing I don’t like bout the layout though is how the text is centered. Maybe it’s just a personal preference but I kind of find it hard to read centered text.

"Dr. Carter, answer the question," the once sly and smooth talking, suited voice now became gruff and threatening.
I can’t imagine a “sly and smooth talking” person’s voice becoming “gruff”. Maybe gruff wasn’t really the right word to use? I don’t know though, it just seems a little off to me.

I like the way you described Jason and how it felt when he was first met. And just how you made Jason’s character seem, that was a good choice. Your story was slightly confusing though. During some parts, I had to read over it twice just to get what was going on. I’m not particularly fond of it when I get confused in a story, but that may just be a personal preference. Or maybe it’s just the nature of the story, I don’t know.

Your story was really well written. I didn’t find any grammatical errors, it was pretty well written for the most part. And that’s a good thing that it was. Your story seemed to flow naturally, it didn’t seem forced at all. Again, that is a good thing. You did well for writing a story dealing with psychology and all of that.

You captured the character’s personalities well, and you did it without directly describing them but implying it for their characters. You’re a good writer, the story was a good read. Very well done on the story.

Story Review Game

First off the summery. I always read the summery to a story before even thinking about reading a story. I liked how instead of just putting a plain paragraph about the contents you decided to put a little rhyme that actually encompassed the whole of your story.

I didn't notice any grammatical, spelling, or punctuation mistakes. The sentences flowed well with the pace of the story.
I liked how you used the psychiatrists' instead of writing it in third person or Jason's POV (which would have been interesting to say the least).

You have great description, I feel that is was proved in this paragraph:
As I called his name in an optimistic tone that he subtly winced at, Jason forced himself up out of his chair, almost as if it pained him to be acknowledged as anything more than just a lump in the room. He trudged past me; hands buried deep in his baggy jeans pockets, making no attempt at a greeting at all. I noted, this time only mentally, that every part of his attire was hanging loosely over his hunched over, skinny frame.

I felt that you not only captured his appearance but also a chunk of his personality as well. The line that caught my attention the most was this one:
“I did it, Dr. Carter. I did what you said. You told me to find my own peace and…well, it took a while,” he laughed lightly. “But I finally did it. I found my peace.” because it showed just how screwed up he was over Mike and how irrationally he was thinking.

The story was captivating and well written.

I really liked this. Hooray for longer one-shots! It gives me the chance to get in it a bit better.
I also just really like it because it's like a butterfly effect of the RP we did. And I just really like what if scenarios.

I also really love that it's not in Jason, but the psychiatrists point of view. It gives the piece a different flow and it also gives you an outside opinion. The character didn't know all the story, she was as out of the loop as the audience, having to rely on everything Jason said.

If Mibba had favorite option I'd totally put this one down. even if my widdle Billiekins had to get killed

You already know what I think of it. =) And honestly, it is one of the best oneshots I've read in a long while. It's long enough that it kept me occupied for a while and wasn't over just like that. In fact, it was a proper short story. Way too many authors (myself included >.>) have been wallowing in drabbles for way too long.

Also, the summary good be a leeeetle better. But hey, whatever. It's a summary. And the cool thing about this story is that you don't even need to be in the fandom to understand it. The plot can stand on its own. Even if it is a little hard to believe that each of these men has multiple lovers and spouses and whatnot XD

That was an awesome story. I loved all the detail you put into it and it is one of the best ones i have read in a long time on this website