They are Here With Us. - Comments

I think this is my favorite!

This one had me thinking about things.

Very good

:}

That's terrifying.

Also reminds me of Echofon. Read my latest journal to see who that is 8)

This was really good. (I had read your journal, but just didnt have time to read all your stuff till today sorry)

I know you said you were looking for some con/crit so here you go.

When you have a piece like this, thats very short- you have to take care to watch the repetition. Unless its being done intentional. You should try not to start consective sentences with the same word. It disrupts the flow. And the flow is very important in somthing this short.

Because youre never really saying what 'it' or 'they' are- your options of replacing those pronouns are limited. You could then instead change it by dropping the 'it' or 'they' and using verbs instead.

EX-
They live in our field of vision that is indistinct to us. They taunt us with their shadows...
They live in our filed of vision that is indistinct to us. Taunting us with their shadows...

It may give it a more surreal effect as well. And the reader wont be stumbling over they and it in every other sentence. Just flowing from one to the next.

Also that sentence 'live in our field of vision that is indistinct to us' Us and our are too close for my liking. live in a field of vision that is indistinct to us maybe better...

Now Im not saying that all of the its and they should be replaced. Decide which ones you want for effect because it is a very effective technique.

I do love it here in these lines-
It’s their daylight. It’s their time to dance and play in the world while we sleep.

Very nice line.

You should always read over what you write outloud if you dont. Sometimes you mean it to sound one way and you read it that way to yourself but its not until you read it outloud do you realize what it sounds like. Pause slightly at each comma, more so at the periods. Determine if thats where you meant it to be or not.

Now to the ending. hmmm. It really needs a strong ending. I would think just rearranging the end will do it. Ending with you are wrong is more of a dramatic fact statement.

The shadows are dancing around you giggling in your ears. You will brush it off as a trick of the lighting or even blame your fear on your own vision. You are wrong.

If you want to end it with the effect of giggling in your ears, then you need another line. Something about the sound. A final statement. Not a description which is what you have- The shadows are dancing around you giggling in your ears. But a definiative statement.

You will brush it off as a trick of the lighting or even blame your fear on your own vision. You are wrong. The shadows remain. Dancing around you, giggling in your ears even when you cant hear them.

or
even once you wake.

Do you see what Im saying?

I dont know if any of this helped you. Or if this is what you were looking for. But hang in there. Youre a wonderful writer from what Ive read so far.

xo

Ooh, this was so cool! Loved it Taylor! :) You need to write more drabbles like this. I'm not really sure what it was, but to me it felt like you were talking about Shadows.

I got shivers after reading this. It was really well thought out and flowed beautifully.

I liked the mystery of it. You could draw the conclusion that this comes from the point of view of either a crazy, paraniod person, or someone totally sane who is telling you the truth.

You left your readers wondering, and I think that's always a really clever thing to do.

Well done.

Really good.
Very dark.
I read your journal, thought I'd comment on your stories.
I liked this.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
mazing.

awesomely awesome!

Ah, this is really good. It had me wondering what it was talking about it. I thought it was aliens. *facepalm*

I really like this very well write and all. It was very gute. :)