11:57 - Comments

I like the title..i don't know why.

I was confused but maybe that's what you intended.

I loved it

:}

Ooo, I love this.
I like the random time as the title.
And I think it was interesting how you had the reader thinking 'whaaa?'
I do like your writing style.

I really liked how you did this! I think it was wonderfully written and done true to an original style. Suggestions and criticism might be nice to give, but what would I tell you that wouldn't try to change the style of this story that so captivated me? It was short true, but it was well written and honest. I liked that.

Oooh I like this too. I really get what youre trying to portray here.

Sometimes its hard to break away from that narrative descriptions though. You know where youre trying to set the scene. You dont want it to end up being bland. The trick is to try to reveal things as the story moves.

I would actually rewind time by one minute. Open it with.

It was 11:56pm on a rainy night in Boston. The air was cold and damp as a woman made her way down the block. She was wearing.......blah blah blah........as she walked down the street.

In the opposite direction a young man stepped on to the street as well now. He was wearing ..blah blah blah...still holding onto the cigarette unable to let it go.

Their paths crossed. The time was 11:57. Their shoulders grazed not enough for them to stop but enough for them to notice..etc.

(By changing the time like that you allow yourself a chance to describe the characters with out slowing down the story. In fact it makes it more dramatic.)

Oh and this line here should be against that night not at that night.-
The man died never once again thinking of the woman who he had grazed his shoulder against that night.

Daniel Own died at 11:57pm on a cold rainy night in Boston of lung cancer, with the woman holding his hand as he took in his last haggard breath. Her now white hair clipped back from her face as her broken eyes shed tears.

Its a lovely story. You did a good job with it. I cant wait to see what else you come up with. Very original concepts you have

xo

Wow,this was very interesting...I liked it a lot !=)

This story was beautiful. So much detail and I liked how you repeated yourself, and how you kind of linked everything back to 11:57 (: xo

I'm confused, but I think that's the point.

Is the woman he passed the woman he married, or a different woman entirely? Maybe the point of the story is for me to wonder and never know. If so, well done.

The story was very smooth and easy to read, but I would suggest making it into a few more paragraphs. Maybe taking each large paragraph and splitting it into two smaller paragraphs.

I liked the end, and the part about the woman never really losing her beauty, no matter what happened.

Excellent job. Thanks for entering!

Ooh that was so good! Write more Taylor!