April 2nd, 2010 at 06:48am
That's an intriguing start, the characterization and detail are good, but how to properly develop a character, needs chapters and chapters of work, but it is certainly on the right track. I'm a writer who specializes in character development, so I would know.
You've got a tiny problem here, though. Your change of tenses. You go from past to present a few times throughout, it's a troublesome plague that writers barely notice (if at all), and is hard to correct if you can't see it. I used to do it all the time, but it's not hard if you keep note of it. Just change it around so it sounds correctly. Also, it should be double spaced.
I'd read more if you posted more.
But each paragraph should have an extra space, my bad.
That's just how formatting on Mibba is supposed to be. It's incorrect professionally, though.