Fallen - Comments

Well I read chapter two for our comment swap...or well whatever one is after the prolouge.

I really like the banner for your story it's so awesome. I wish that I had one that was that beautiful. However, I'm not a big fan of the green color used, not cause it's hard to read, but just cause it's not a pleasent color to look at in my opinion that is.

I find Jezebel to be an interesting character. Her sassy attitude and humor give the story more power in my opinion. This is well written as well, I can see that you've put quite a bit of work into it. Everything flowed well, so that was good. Nice work with it!

thist layout <333
now ive read the last chapter, but not the begnning
so im interested in knowing what is going on
Jezzie-belle, I like that nickname :)
his trial? what's his tral for I wonder...
she put her lawyer in the hospital? how?
okay, so he can't talk or anything, but she talks to him, and visits him everyday?
and she sings to him :) that's really sweet that she does that for him
she's fallen in love with him, by just seeing him lay there everyday?
I find that extreamally sweet :)
I like how the prologue was set two years later
time skips, I don't know, it's just a good way to mix a prologue and first chapter
dang, she must be there a lot. the judge knows who she is!
oh Henry shows her who is boss, good for him man!
haha best last line ever, "'I'm your worst case" xD haha
dang they call her Jezebel the Bitch, that's a little harsh, damn
I seriously love Henry's character already. He's completely confident in himself
and he is nice too. He wants to help Jezzie, not dread her
I also like Jezebel's character too. She's such a badass
but you can tell she also has ike a soft side to her
This is a really good story line, with very, very likeable characters
love it so far :D

Oh! And one more thing, the internal struggles both your main characters face are brilliant. They already have their demons they've been dealing with their entire lives, but then they're facing new demons that represent how their feelings for one another are gradually changing, and blossoming into a new light. How they've not fully admitted it to themselves how they feel about one another, and how even if they did, they could do absolutely nothing about it do to superiority issues, as well as stubborness.

Storyline aside, your characters are easily relatable, realistic. I can identify easily with them, as I'm sure others can as well. It's nice to have that bond with your readers, makes them feel more so that it's happening to them, more a first person perspective, rather than looking at everything from an audience point of view.

I'd like to say how sorry I am that this has taken so long. I haven't been on lately, which is why this comment is overdue.

Throughout reading your piece, I've come to the conclusion that your piece has the perfect amount of mystery, and that your characters are not overdeveloped, or underdeveloped. Usually when reading these type of stories, the author doesn't necessarily do a good job when releasing bits and pieces of information; they usually reveal too much too fast, or too little too slow. But you've achieved a perfect balance, I'm impressed.

I've read all of what you have posted so far, because I don't like leaving a comment on a chapter when I don't know the entire background; makes me feel like I don't necessarily know what I'm talking about. The last one, did leave me on quite the cliffhanger. I like how you take us into little dips of Henry's past, and create this sort of illusion about him-- and what makes it so good, is that each reader has their own little pre-conceived notion about him already, their own take on what Henry's reputation used to be. It's always wonderful to create this sort of underlining versatility with your characters. This will only add more of an "awe" factor when you throw in your twists and turns throughout your story.

Overall, your writing ability, and style, is clearly shown here, and is rather impressive. It's straight to the point, with an edge of sass and wit. Although the subject of the story isn't something I'd necessarily choose to read, your story was a pleasure for me to read.

this layout is so pretty! the banner too <3
chapter 13:
I like the title of this chapter, but i have a feelings it's going to be sad
I think Henry is falling for Jezzie :)
the way you are descrbing his feelings make it seem so
Oh, she went missing :( I wonder what happened...
Why isn't he letting his sister talk to him? stupid Henry
But I don't know if something bad happened earlier on though
"You'll always belong to us" I'm curious to know what she means by this
do like thsi from what I've read, a lot :)

Amazing banner! Is that Ben Barnes!?
The story definitely deserved one to be one of the top 3 winners. Nicely done!

Chapter 2
"I can't take you serious with that accent,"
I'm too lazy to look for more spelling errors. Blah, but your way of writing detail and explaining things is quite easy to understand. I can see things cleanly and it's almost like watching a movie!

Jezzie gave him her sweetest grin. "Hello Henry. It's not nice to meet you at all. I'm Jezebel Yale, your worst case."
I love that part. xD It really gives off her personality and just how stubborn she is. I love her attitude already!

I can tell I'm going to have alot of fun reading this. For some reason, I picture Keanu Reeves as Henry. o_o As long as first chapters gone, this one was quite grand, it's also important to reel readers in, the first starting chapters. You did a good job with that!

Chapter 3
...but there were some things that a person could not avoid.
As far as grammatical errors, I'm sure you missed a few commas here and there. Nothing else.

I don't think I have much to say about this chapter, it was rather short and introducing Henry. So, I'll go with that. I think Henry will be a great help to Jezz, as seen in chapter 1, things will turn out okay since she does fall in love with him. I'm eager to see if he gets better. But as of now, I'm also eager to see how he helps her.

Chapter 4
In the first chapters, I saw Henry to be different from Jez, but they're more alike then I thought. They're both undeniably stubborn. I want to see who's more stubborn than the other, though. There's bound to be a break somewhere along the way. Lovely chapter and Travis is a bit of a pain in the ass. xD

Chapter 5& Chapter 6
I'm guessing that's Travis? He's such an asshole. D:
Anyways, there's nothing much to say about those two chapters. Kinda fillers, for me. I'm just waiting for Travis to be out of the picture. Ahaha.

Chapter 7
Things are going at a decent pace. I'm getting quite used to the characters. This story is taking an unpredictable route and as I've stated a few times, I'm eager to read more. Honestly, I want to hear more about Henry and his past and just exactly what he went through.

Chapter 8
Aw. I'm kinda bummed Jezz did that. I'm sure he would have worked something out if he had to leave, or if he would leave at all.

Chapter 9& Chapter 10
Ohhh, I'm sure the plan will be great! I can't wait to read more. Again, I'm sad about Jez, I hope she gets the help she needs soon and I'm glad Henry hasn't given up on her. I have to say, this story is turning out to be one of my favorites on mibba.

Chapter 11
The boy snorted.d IT was the third time he had done that since Hengry had wlaked in the room.
Found 3 mistakes there. D:
From what I've read, the characters are developing quite nicely. Henry is, of course, my favorite and his determination is sightful and sad at the same time. I get the feeling Jezz will break soon enough and she'll allow him to help her, though that's a long way. I'm really liking where things are going, the plot is forming wonderfully.

Update soon! :D

Alright, so I looked over chapter ten. :)

Il come right out and say that I loved how simply it was written. You had all these short sentences with active verbs and that it made it just a really easy read. And it made it really easy to jump right into the story. Like I said, I read chapter ten and though I went through the summary and skimmed through the first chapter or so, I found it so easy to find my place and I knew exactly what was going on. I love when authors do that. I hate when it's overly flowery.

There were some mistakes that I think you should go over just to make this that much more powerful. At one point, you said God she didn't want a lecture or something to that effect and after God, there should be a comma. Also, at another part, you said that there was nothing they could do to chance it. obviously just a little typo and should be switched to change.

Anyway, great story. I really like the concept and I think it could be a great coming of age story. Kelp up the good work! This is lovely!

I love Henry's character <3 Was that Ben Barnes there in your banner? I also love him very much.

I like how contrasting they can sometimes be to each other, but mostly I love the way you write. I don't believe I've read anything of yours before, but I'm excited to be writing with you on the ED DIaries.

All in all I very much love this, your writing is great!

First off, I love the banner, it's very well made and fits with the rest of the layout.

There are a few spelling and grammar errors here and there. It's nicely written, I agree with what silk tea. said, you keep that "wtf is going on" atmosphere, which I think makes it nice, and doesn't make it seem messy. (Like "wtf is going on" one moment and then "oh so everything is sorted out now, no confusion or wtf moments at all")

I also like the lyrics from one of the previous chapters.

Well, I definitely love the banner--who made it? It's really gorgeous. I've just read the first chapter and while your writing is fantastic I feel that it's sort of inconsistent. From the way she acts I thought she was an adult and then randomly she's in high school which is also weird considering she has a lawyer...like her own lawyer. I'm eighteen and I don't even know my lawyers name. But you do keep a good atmosphere of 'wtf is going on', which is awesome. The only thing that I would say you need to improve is to make it so we're not...wtf she's in high school?

And the whole lyrics thing, that is one of my biggest pet peeves when an author puts an entire song into a chapter--it seems like it's just taking up space and there's no reason for it to be there. That's really the only thing I would get rid of.

But great job my dear. :)

Okay, first of all, awesome layout! Ben Barnes is a stud muffin ;D Second, I love, love, love the prologue. I keep wondering why Henry is in the hospital and why he's in a coma and completely unresponsive - and if it was mentioned previously, I'm sorry that I couldn't answer this question just by reading. It's a wee bit late over here >.> Anyways, I teared up like crazy while she was sitting next to him and singing; it's so heartbreaking :( Anyways, I'll have to stop here. I promise that I'll comment on the rest of the chapters as soon as I can.
Oh, and great job so far! <3

Sorry I pressed enter too early! I'm onto chapter two now, I love your use of flashbacks :) This story seems very interesting with a really unique plot line! I love Jezzie's attitude; a bit of a smartass but still very sweet. Henry Maddox is an awesome name, and I'm curious as to why he's in hospital, and why it's Jezzie fault? Speaking of awesome names - Jezebel! Is that in reference to the Jewish princess or did you choose it just because of the way it sounds?

Henry is very sweet, I love how he's the only one giving Jezzie a chance. You back this up nicely with the appearance of the nasty lawyer - " "How's little Jezebel the Bitch treating you?" he asked".

You use a lot of cliffhangers and mystery in this story, which is great! I love how the chapters are quite short, but still packed with information and description.

"Move out of my. Jezzie and I are going to leave now" I think you missed out the 'way', but no worries. Slip of the fingers :)

And I LOVE how Henry is the only man who can make Jezzie feel afraid. It shows the power that he has and how much he affects her life, but not in a bad way. "She believed that he would do what he said. Henry always did." How sweet!

I love how your story is balancing between Henry's past and Jezzie's future. I really like this story, good job :)

The opening sentence is great, I love stories that start with speech!

"faded away she gently slide her hand around his" In this sentence, 'slide' should be 'slid'

wow. just wow.
sweetheart, that was amazing.
Henry shoved her towards his car. "I don't threaten Jezzie. I only make promises I can keep."
i shivered. literally.
i started, expecting something good, and i was awestruck by how stunningly brilliant this was.
the writing, the story everything was brilliant.
it was beautiful. i'm definitely subscribing.

Ooo, I'm into this.
I like it

This is very well written. It's easy to understand (I don't have to reread anything in order to understand it) and...wow. It's overall an easy read, and close enough to a masterpiece.

Well done.

Doctor

fabulous!!! wonderfully written and a great use of contest rules! :)