It was the day of Jimmy’s funeral. I still can’t believe he’s dead. I numbly stood in front of my mirror. You switch tenses here, which is awkward. “Was” makes it past, and “can’t” makes it present. Switch “was” to “today is”.
They all gave them looks of worry. I believe you mean, “They all gave me looks of worry,” or something to that effect. :3
All I’ve really done was lock myself in my room looking at pictures of Jimmy and me. Again, with the tense switches. “All I’ve really done is lock myself…” Yeah.
I attempted to give them I smile, but I just couldn’t force it. A smile.* I’m going to quit pointing out grammar errors. You seem to have quite a few. Reread and get a beta.
I feel like you could really focus a lot more on John and Jim’s relationship, more than Johnny’s reaction to his death. You hinted at the fact that they were together in one paragraph, then it was back to Johnny’s depression.
The ending was sweet, although depressing. This was really short and there are a lot more things that you could’ve explained more, but all in all a decent job. On a scale of one to ten for mechanics, I’d give you about a five. You really need to read and reread, if you don’t have a beta.
On the story as a whole, I’d give you about a 6.5 or so. It was too short and left a lot of things unanswered.
You switch tenses here, which is awkward.
“Was” makes it past, and “can’t” makes it present. Switch “was” to “today is”.
They all gave them looks of worry.
I believe you mean, “They all gave me looks of worry,” or something to that effect. :3
All I’ve really done was lock myself in my room looking at pictures of Jimmy and me.
Again, with the tense switches. “All I’ve really done is lock myself…” Yeah.
I attempted to give them I smile, but I just couldn’t force it.
A smile.*
I’m going to quit pointing out grammar errors. You seem to have quite a few. Reread and get a beta.
I feel like you could really focus a lot more on John and Jim’s relationship, more than Johnny’s reaction to his death. You hinted at the fact that they were together in one paragraph, then it was back to Johnny’s depression.
The ending was sweet, although depressing. This was really short and there are a lot more things that you could’ve explained more, but all in all a decent job.
On a scale of one to ten for mechanics, I’d give you about a five. You really need to read and reread, if you don’t have a beta.
On the story as a whole, I’d give you about a 6.5 or so. It was too short and left a lot of things unanswered.