When Two Skaters Collide - Comments

please write again

awesome story so far!
*subscribes*

Wooooohoooooo my first comment gots me a pagey. YaY

I loooooove this. It's greeeeat
Love ya

Aww, Jess, I really loved this chapter. You know how much I've been looking forward to an update from you, and now there's finally one and I'm so excited!

I can't wait until you update. And I can't wait to start singing "Sam loves Bam!" for a legit reason. Update soon. I miss this story.

Well, the story line is okay. I feel like I have read more than one story like this before. Your writing is pretty good though, and it seems like it will be a good story overall.
I do have to say though that the layout is not appealing at all. The banner is fine, but blue on black is strenuous against the eyes and the background really doesn't look good.

First I want to comment on the title. It has a resonating sadness to it that’s so emotionally impacting.

Kelly took out her disposable camera and started taking pictures of me.

"What are you, my paparazzi?" I teased. I threw down the board and jumped on it.

She took another picture of me. "I need something to do while we're here." Kelly doesn't skate, one of the many things we don't have in common.

I didn't reply. I took some speed and started grinding the rail...and I landed. I started hitting the ramps and grinding a few more rails while Kelly ran after me taking more pictures. I didn't know how many pictures she took of me on the skateboard, but from all of the clicks I've heard from that camera, it sounded like she used up the whole role.

I love the use of Kelly as a ‘personal paparazzi’, I feel like she’ll be the transition between Sam just being there, and Sam actually being seen. Now, onto grammar; it should be ‘Kelly didn’t skate, one of the many things we didn’t have in common.’ It gets a little choppy after, but it’s not too bad. Again, just watch your tense, the I’ve in the last sentence should be I’d or I had. One last correction: role should be roll. Role in film is like an actor in a film, roll of film is what goes in a disposable camera

"Shit," she mumbled.

I looked at her while I was still on my board, but only moving slowly from side-to-side. "Let me guess," I said, "you used up all of the film on me?" It wouldn't be the first time this happened.

Her chocolate colored eyes moved to mine. "Not the whole film." She paused to look at the camera again. "Just the huge remainder of it."

"What else did you have on that role?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Graduation night, I think." She shoved the camera into her pocket. "Now I have nothing to do."

"Well, that sucks for you." I teased her.

"Tell me about it. I wish I could skate."

Kelly. I like Kelly. She’s funny. Quirky and more than just two dimensional. It’s nice.
I rolled my eyes. We had this conversation so many times that I lost count over the years. She wants to skate, but she's so uncoordinated that if you even much make her go on ice skates, she'll fall on her ass in seconds. I even tried to help her skate, but it's impossible. At least she's supportive, though.

"Tell you what," I said to her, "after about ten minutes, I'll go with you to Walgreen's to develop the pictures. Okay?"

She looked up at me, her eyes twinkling. "Okay!"

Again, so cute. I love this bond, the two are polar opposites, it’s fantastic. I’m not going to comment on the past/present/future tenses anymore, I’m sure you’ll know what I’ve got to say.

I laughed at her and she threw her arms around me, almost knocking me off my board. She left to sit down somewhere as I rolled away in the opposite direction. Not even thirty seconds after I got off one of the ramps, I was rammed into by another skater, making me fly off my board and my back landing on the concrete. Let's just say having the wind knocked out of you right after you landed isn't the greatest feeling in the world. My temper rose.

"What the fucking hell!" I yelled as I pulled myself up off the ground.

"Sorry dude, I didn't see you there." The guy said, oblivious to my pissed off posture, picking up my board and handing it back to me.
Uh-oh. I think I know what’s coming. I love the immediate burst of anger from Sam, it’s pretty much hilarious, but it still has the effect it should. I love ‘the guy’ he’s like, so chill and in his own world.

I snatched my board from his hands. My back started aching and my bad mood only made it feel a lot worse. I turned my heel and stomped my way to Kelly. I would've succeeded if the guy wasn't following me. He is so lucky my friend was here with me, because I didn't want her to see me when I'm pissed.

I took my helmet off when the guy grabbed my arm. Before I knew it, I was face-to-face with a guy about my age, maybe a year or so older. He was probably an inch taller than me and he had dark curls and blue eyes. At first, he looked like he was going to yell at me, but then the realization sunk in.

"Oh...you're a girl." He said, blinking as if he had some sort of eye problem. He probably did if he rammed into me.

I stared back at him and replied with a sarcastic comment. "Really? I had no fucking idea!" I pulled my arm out of his grasp and continued walking to Kelly.

Oh dear. Angry Sam, oblivious Bam Bam. I really like the way he’s just so calm and you have her react so angry. It keeps it all in balance, I really appreciate your writing.
I sighed heavily and turned around to look at him. "Okay, your apology is accepted." Now leave me alone, I wanted to add. I left him there and I think he got the hint.

Is it wrong that I laughed here? Good use of inner monologue here. I love seeing what character’s are thinking. It’s nice,

"He's still staring at you." She was still looking over my shoulder.

No way. He’s staring at her? It’s almost adorable in a stalking creeper way.
When we were safely in her car, on our way to develop the film, his face sunk back into my brain, making me want to hit myself for even thinking about him. There was something else about him that made me want to hate him, but I didn't know what it was. I just knew it would irritate me for the next couple of days or so because I wanted so badly to find out what it was.

Sam, stop thinking about him!

Yeah, Sam! Stop thinking about him! I wish you would’ve thrown in a metaphor for her brain being like a camera or something, I feel like it would’ve given more depth to all of this. I like it, a lot either way. This chapter gets an 7/10 again, because it seems a little filler. It’s a transition chapter, though, so I guess that’s to be expected.

I pulled on my jeans that were destroyed from skating. Even though they were boy pants, they were my favorite. I grabbed a clean t-shirt and pulled it over my head, pushing my arms through the sleeves. I put on my Chuck Taylor's and tied them very tightly. I brushed my hair quickly and pulled on my brother's sweatshirt.

This is a good start. It gives good imagery for the story to unfold from. Already you get a sense of the girl’s style. However, there are so changes I’d like to recommend. “Even though they were boy pants[…]” should be “Even though they were boy’s pants,[…]” As for the rest, it seems like a mess of sentences that could’ve been put in one. Still though, it was a good start, just a little choppy.
"Where do you think you're going?" Steve, or The Hypocrite, asked harshly as he stood in front of me, blocking my way to the front door.

"To skate, what does it look like?" I gestured to the skateboard in my hand.

He scowled at me and said, "You got to be kidding."

Again, love it. This gives so much feeling to the story. You’ve started out on the right foot here, for sure. Only changes I would make are that instead of ‘Steve, or The Hypocrite, asked […]’ It could flow better if it were Steve (or The Hypocrite) asked […] and “You got to be kidding,” It should’ve been “You’ve got to be kidding,” only a small edit here. You’ve given the character a go-fuck-yourself attitude, and she kind of acts as if this is normal for her, further enhanced by the nickname she’s given Steve.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, kid?" He asked rudely. "The morning after you graduate from high school, you're off skating like it's just another day? Who does that?"

Oh. My. God. Can I punch him? I’m starting to really see why your character seems to reluctant to be around him.

This is getting very ridiculous. All I want to do is get out of this house and skate, but The Hypocrite has to stand in my way and ask pointless questions. Does he not know that I love skating? If he wasn't married to my mother, I would use my skateboard to bash his head in. But that wouldn't be a very good idea either; he'd have to buy me a new skateboard.

"It is another day." I argued. "Just get out of my way, please!" This is so ridiculous, I've resulted to begging.

Again, my only qualms are mostly past/present/future tense confusion. “This was getting ridiculous”, the very is not needed as the definition of ridiculous is: to be completely unreasonable and/or not at all sensible or acceptable. It should also have been “The Hypocrite had to stand in my way”, and then it should have been ‘Didn’t he know that I loved skating?’. Your story is started in past tense, and in writing it’s really easy to get them jumbled when you’re so into it, but you switch to present a lot, so spending some time rereading it before posting a few times is an easy way to cut out this problem. Anyway, very nice introduction of Steve’s role in Sam’s life. I like how you didn’t refer to him as a stepfather, but instead as her mother’s husband as it emphasizes just how poor their relationship is. Your strength is in fleshing out characters and making them seem believable.
Then once again, with tenses!!! Silly goose! It should be ‘This was so ridiculous that I had resulted to begging,’

He ignored my pathetic beseeching and asked me a couple more questions. "Shouldn't you be in your room thinking about what you want to do with your life? Is this" --he pointed at my board-- "what you want to spend the rest of your life on?"

Beseeching. Oh my goodness, I love that word. It seems so urgent. Again, I hate Steve. I’m sure that’s how you wanted it, so kudos!
I wanted to scream at him, but my brother Jack came into the room with a skate helmet in his hands.

"There you are, sis." He said with pride. "I thought I would be too late. Here's your helmet." He handed me the helmet and put his arm around me. He steered me around The Hypocrite out the front door.

Great character entrance. I love how you’ve clearly pointed out he’s proud with her. Critique: “He steered me around The Hypocrite and out the front door.” Also, try changing it up. Using ‘The Hypocrite’ over and over gets boring. Switch it up with phrases like “Steve”, “My would-be-step-father,” and things like that.

"Thank you," I said with relief when we were out of Steve's hearing range. "He's going to start ranting about me as soon as I leave."

Jack shrugged. "Just put your helmet on and I'll try my best to defend you when he starts complaining about you." Notice that he said when and not if?

"Thanks, Jack," I repeated, hugging him.

He nodded. "Have fun." He turned around and returned to the house.

This is sweet. Jack and Sam have a great relationship, I can see it now. Nice way to break the fourth wall, too. The “when and not if” line was almost heart breaking. I feel so much for Sam right now.

Jack and I don't always get along, but when it comes to Steve, we have each others backs.

Oh no! D: I guess that’s just a brother/sister thing though. Glad to hear they’re protective of each other, though. It’s sweet and refreshing.
I tucked my hair into the helmet so it won't fly in my face and blind me. I threw my board down on the concrete and jumped on it. I rode away from my neighborhood down the street. After a few blocks and the skate park was in view, I grabbed my board and walked the rest of the way.

Again, a little choppy, but good imagery. Maybe use something like “I tucked my hair into the helmet so it wouldn’t fly into my face and blind me. I threw my board down onto the concrete and jumped onto it, riding away from my neighborhood and down the street. After a few blocks the skate park was in view, so I grabbed my board and walked the rest of the way,”

See? Minor changes in punctuation can really enhance the flow. Anyway, I love the earnest need to get away from her home and into her sanctuary.

"There you are!" My best friend Kelly said happily as soon as she saw me. She ran over to me and hugged me tightly. She looked up at me and smiled brightly. "Sam, what took you so long?"

I told her the truth: that I woke up later than usual and after I was ready to go, Steve stood in my way.

Awe Kate! So nice to see some more skater girls! I love Kate’s obviously bubbly personality. Again, watch the choppiness. Every time I see a period I pause and know the thought is over, you could’ve transitioned smoother into the next sentence.

Again, this sadness seemed overwhelming whenever she mentions Steve…or is it frustration? I don’t know, but whatever it is, it really fleshes Sam out, like it’s just one of those demons she’s got to live with.

I felt extremely happy as soon as we entered the skate park. Surrounded by ramps, rails, skaters, and skater-lovers is what I was made for. Everything that I was familiar with and everything I love all in one place felt exultant.

Skating always makes me feel better.

Nice ending bit here. I love how she makes it so clear that it’s her sanctuary. My only suggestion would be to change ‘Surrounded by ramps, rails, skaters, and skater-lovers is what I was made for.’ To ‘Being surrounded by ramps, rails, skaters, and skater-lovers; it’s what I was made for.’
Finally, love should’ve been loved.

I really liked this story. I feel like you’ve got places to go with it and the first chapter had enough fluff to make it interesting, but not too much that you felt like you already knew what would happen next. If I was to give it a rating, I’d say this chapter probably deserves a 7/10, points mainly lost for grammatical errors and the like. I truly like the story and (most of) the characters, and I want to see how it all pans out.

cant wait to read more :)

LOVED IT! =] can't wait to read the next chapter...

UPDATE ASAP!

moremoremore!! :]
i usually don't have too much patience for fanfics, but the bam ones suck me in every time. :P and this one's really good so far. keep it up!

I'm loving this!
Keep up the good work!<3

Hot damn, Bam :]
I'm McLovin' this

Hot damn, Bam :]
I'm McLovin' this

Im liking it so far, keep it up!

this sounds interesting. haha i liked her sarcasm to bam. lol can't wait for more

I really liked the update, a lot.
More when you can. <3

Cute :]
More soon?

OH WOW! Sam is so mean, lol xD