FKGJDF;DGKL PLEASE WRITE A SEQUEL?
May 18th, 2010 at 12:34am
It seems like you've changed many misconceptions about the subject of your story - that's an achievement and a half.
To be honest with you, I didn't have any, but you didn't disappoint. I thought the way you portrayed Jack and Alex's relationship was beyond cute, and I felt happy for Alex when he 'came out', so to speak.
'“Alex, babe I think we ran out of… Whoa,” Jack said pulling out of the fridge and seeing Alex.' Great reaction from Jack there, it made me chuckle.
This story's got a nice storyline to it, but it lacks something... A lot of it consists of description of what Alex is doing, like 'Alex buys shoes, Alex goes home, Alex practices walking...' know what I mean?
I don't mean to sound harsh or pompous by any of this stuff; I want to help better your writing, that's all. I just wanted to make that clear.
Perhaps if you're going to go into so much detail about a certain thing, you should have something else, like a different subject, weaved into the storyline because otherwise it can get a bit tiresome and you can lose the climatic build up. Try and think about what the reader would skim through if they were to read it, I find that helpful for me because I tend to waffle a lot (hopefully I'm not a hypocrite after using that method).
Apart from that, I can't see anything else 'wrong' with it. Well done, I think you really pulled this off. It was unexpectedly out of the ordinary but somehow at the same time cutely clichéd. Lovely.
