Filling the Void - Comments

Scary!!!! Was totally lost till the end, go me! lol I like it though, it was described pretty well even though it was very different.

This was...different.
I've never seen anything like it.
I liked it.
Good job.

This was a pretty fantastic attempt at an unidentifiable narrator (I once wrote a story from the perspective of someone's shoes, so I know it can be a smidge difficult).

One last thing, do you know the real origin of the story???

*devioussmirkdevioussmirk* If you want to know, let me know, because I don't know if you'd want to hear it. It's a tad graphic...well, I don't think it's all that graphic, but you never know...

Man, I'm so jealous of your layouts. Shite, I wish I could make 'em half as pretty as you can x]
This was so adorable. I loved it <3

Whoa! What a strange twist! Hahaha.
I agree with i saw sparks though. The layout isn't one of your best.
On the other hand, I loooove pumpkin pie. And I can relate with Peter; I don't like traveling either. At all.
Besides pumpkin pie, I loooove your stories.

I'm still in awe xD That was epic. I only realized that P was a pumpkin when Peter said about Flo talking to pumpkins, and then I was all, "OMFG A PUMPKIN IS TELLING THE STORY!" xD

That was absolutely fantastic. I would have to say with total honesty that it's one of the most original things I have ever read - not just on Mibba, but anywhere. The whole idea is brilliant. The twist at the end gave a whole new light to the story, and it was really strange when it dawned on me that a pumpkin was the narrator.

The emotion conveyed in the story was incredibly well done. I especially liked all of the comparisons between Flo and the water, how she could be gentle like flowing water and then when she got mad, she was like a waterfall. I thought that metaphor was used very well, and not overdone as sometimes happens. It added an extra dimension to the emotion.

I liked Peter's character a lot, too. I was rather uneasy with him from the very beginning. The way he methodically just ate slice after slice of pie kind of unnerved me. He was almost like a robot, just repeating the act over and over. When he finally blew up at Flo, I was kind of scared of him xD After the final act, he seemed so calm and you could tell that in his head, his actions were perfectly acceptable. There was a gentle madness about him throughout the whole story.

Finally, I thought the last lines were brilliant, especially as I was still reeling over the pumpkin twist xD Well done.

This is really interesting. It took me a while to realize that P wasn't a person XD This was a little out there, but it was still very well written and kept me interested the whole time so great job =)

Story Review

First off, I really love your summary. It's short but sweet.

I will say that I'm not a fan of the layout. The layout and banner don't really match.

I am curious to find out what the pumpkins have to do in all of this.

I felt bloated sitting there on top of Peter's kitchen counter, watching him eat. I felt bloated, yet I was empty. - I really loved these two lines as an introduction. They give the setting and a bit of description of the main character. I also like the repetition of "I felt bloated." It really tied this paragraph together.

He held the flaky crust gently before bringing the slice to his mouth. But that was when the gentleness stopped, and he stuffed the slice in his mouth with such force, I always thought he might choke - Oh gosh, I really loved this description. I've never read a bit about someone eating a pie. I feel like he's almost making out with the pie XD It's so intense, yet hilarious at the same time.

I was mesmerized by the rhythm as I watched him eat; gentleness, and force. - You don't need the comma here.

I lived with Peter all my life and he took care of me, but I did not know him at all. - You need a comma here before "and."

She would just greet me, and ask me how I was... - You don't need the comma here.

And I really like her name. - You switched tenses here; this should be in past tense.

She was small and delicate, and looked about only one-fourth of the big and muscular Peter. - Don't need the comma here.

Her tiny five feet and one inch frame exuded prettiness. -This is my favorite line so far. It really simplifies how the main character feels about Flo.

He even lay a hand on her waist and guided her to sit on the chair next to him. - "Lay" should be "laid," past tense.

“Delicious isn't it?” - You need a comma after "delicious."

I felt good at that remark because I was not that keen on giving the pies away anyway. - I feel that the first part of this sentence is worded a little too awkwardly.

(some bits of pie were oozing out of the container before he closed it) - I loved this little random detail.

She tugged at wrists and managed to break free from her boyfriend's grip. - I think you meant to say "she tugged at her wrists?"

so he closed it again, and avoided Flo's gaze. - Don't need the comma here.

She struggled, and moved away from my vision. - Don't need the comma here either.

He then walked towards me, and took off my top with his left hand. - Don't need the comma here.

He opened it with his mouth, and poured the contents on the cloth. - Or here.

Overall, this was interesting to say the least. It's a bit too "out there" for my tastes, but I can appreciate your creativity. Nice work!

I think this was just amazing. It one of the most creative (and strange) stories I've ever read. You have a lot of creativity. Good job!

This story was very interesting and I felt like I was reading something from Edgar Allen Poe. I didn't get who was narrating the story until it was the pumpkin in the end!

You certainly have some good talent for "weird" type of writing.

That was so surprising near the end when I realized it was a pumpkin narrating the story. All I can say is, wow. You're a really good writer.

Peter was eating slice after slice of pie, and he seemed satisfied with putting his attention solely on them. He looked at them like he loved them. He held them gently before bringing them to his mouth. But that was when the gentleness stopped, and he stuffed the slice in his mouth with such force, I always thought he might choke. He never did, though. But the slice of pie was undoubtedly smushed. I saw the rhythm as I watched him eat. Gentleness, and force.

- Maybe you can try finding a way to reorganize this paragraph so you wouldn’t have to them as often. It gets a bit repetitive.

Peter was eating slice after slice of pie, and he seemed satisfied with putting his attention solely on them. He looked as though he loved them, holding each slice gently before bringing it to his mouth. But that was where the gentleness ended. Quickly, almost violently, he’d shove each piece into his mouth, acting with such force that I always imagined he might choke. He never did though, but the slice of pie was undoubtedly destroyed. I took note of the rhythm as I watched him eat; such gentleness followed by savage force.

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I lived with Peter all my life and he took care of me, but I did not feel like I knew him at all.

- Reading this, I noticed that you sometimes make senses more complex than need be. Here, for example, if you skim the sentence down just a bit, it’ll flow better. And it would help decrease the wordiness of the sentences and well as cut down on repetitiveness (later on you use the same phrase to describe his relationship with Flo.

I lived with Peter all my life and he took care of me, but I didn’t’ know him at all.

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Although I had not seen her as often as I had seen Peter, I felt like I knew her more.

- The tense here is a bit awkward. Using ‘had seen’ doesn’t seem to fit right. Maybe try: Although I didn’t see her as often as I saw Peter, I felt like I knew her better. I think “better” is a better word than “more” here.

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She liked talking to me every time she visited Peter's house.

- Maybe try “whenever” instead, and I don’t think “house” is really needed. It just adds words to the sentence that doesn’t really add anything to the overall content.

She liked talking to me whenever she visited Peter.

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She did not say a lot to me, compared to how much she and Peter talked.

- The wording here is weird to read. Maybe try:

When compared to how much she spoke with Peter, she didn’t really say a lot to me.

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She would just greet me, and ask me how I was, (“Hi, P! How's it going?”) and that was all.

- I don’t think the bit in parenthesis is need and it distracts away from the rest of the sentence. Also, I don’t think the comma after me is needed.

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She was small and delicate. She looked about only one-fourth of the big and muscular Peter.

- I think that combining sentences like this would help to make the story more interesting to read, since there would be more varied sentence lengths and structures.

She was small and delicate, and looked to be about one-fourth of the big and muscular Pete.

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She walked into the sunlit kitchen, glanced briefly at me with not exactly a happy expression, greeted me with slight nod and said in a whisper, “P” and then she went straight to Peter's side.

- Run-on sentence. Maybe try to break it up.

“Pumpkin pie? Is this from – ?” she nodded in my direction as she took a slice to indicate me to Peter, and he looked in my direction. The pies were from me.

There seems to be a lot going on in this sentence and so it doesn’t flow well. I think if you just took out the last bit (and he looked in my direction), then it would be fine. Also the second sentences isn’t need, since you clarify that the Pie is from him when Peter responds. It’s a redundant to have both.

Pumpkin pie? Is this from-?” she nodded in my direction as she took a slice to indicate me to Peter.”

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It wasshe he was talking to after all.

Just a typo.

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It sounded just like flowing water.

- I don’t know if this is done purposely or not, but you’ve used this phrase to describe the sound of her name earlier on in the story.

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He probably lost his appetite. He took what was left of the pie, stuffed it in a small plastic container (some bits of pie were oozing out of the container before he closed it), and put it inside the refrigerator.

You should try to vary your sentence structure a bit more. Play around with how you start sentences so that it doesn’t get monotonous.

He’d lost his appetite. Taking what was left of the pie, he shoved it into a small plastic container – some bits of pie oozing out of it before it was closed – and pit it inside the refrigerator.

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After Peter closed the fridge, wiped his hands on the towel hanging on the handle, and walked to return to sit beside Flo, she averted her eyes.

Here, there’s a lot of description of actions that doesn’t do much for the story. It reads more like a play-by-play of what’s going on, than actual interesting detail. Maybe if you just trim it down a bit, it’ll be a little better.

After Peter returned to his seat near Flo, she averted her eyes.

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“Flo,” Peter's gentle voice reached out to her ears as his hand reached for her tiny hand.

Maybe try: “…as his hand reached for hers.”

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She was stunned. “And f-forgo my s-scholarship?”

- I don’t think the stuttering works well here. Maybe more of a pause before she started speaking would be more effective. Or perhaps she speaks softly or in a whisper.

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“How DARE you even SUGGEST something like that?!”

“What the HELL would YOU suggest then, huh?!” He matched her waterfall with his own. He did not just settle with the sound, though. Droplets of water even escaped his mouth. “And I am NOT GOING to GERMANY! NOT even for a DAY!”

- The caps seems out of place. I think the anger here (from both sides) speaks for itself, so that kind of emphasis is a bit of overkill. Especially in that last sentences, where if you read it out loud – placing emphasis on the capitalized words – it doesn’t sound very good at all.

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Without my top, there was a very large hole on me.

- This is a very awkward sentence, specifically the last part – …a very large hole on me. Maybe try: Without my top, there was a very large opening in my head. or simply Without my top, there was a very large hole in me.

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I found parts of the ending a little confusing – not because of the content, but because of the phrasing. It makes it hard for me to follow the action happening.

Overall, I found this to be really interesting. Definitely unique. I found the idea of a sentient pumpkin to be kind of cool. Seeing things from his POV gave us a chance to view this couple uninhibited – kind of like a “fly on the wall” kind of situation. I like that you tried to insert some foreshadowing into the story – comparing how Pete ate to how he would eventually treat his girlfriend – but sometimes it was too obvious that you were trying to make the readers take notice of it (too repetitive, maybe). The character (Pete and Flo) were kind of hollow, but in such a short piece, I guess it’s hard to really solidify who they are. There was never any real indication to why either of the characters reacted so explosively to the conversation, but maybe that’s what you were going for. I just felt like they were kind of…lacking.

There quite a few grammar issues – I pointed out some, but not all – so you might want to go over it again, or maybe get a beta reader. And some of the dialogue (mostly towards the end, during the fight) seemed forced and unnatural.

Oh, wow I love this. The strangness and originality were great- they made it ever more lovable. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I didn't realize that the narrator was actually the pumpkin until the end. It surprised me, but then I was like, "Hell yes! That's an awesome ending."