Falling Into Shadows - Comments

i enjoy this story and i cant wait til you come back to writing it

Whoa, this chapter was intense. She was messed up over that strawberry…

I think the story might be a little less boring for you if you didn't write it day-to-day like how you're doing now. It's difficult to find something interesting to put into every day, because every day really isn't interesting in a normal life. I know I could never write something if I could gloss days, weeks, months, even years over in just a couple paragraphs. You don't need to include every single detail. I'd really hate to see this story end up forgotten just because you're trying to put too much into it. (:

I totally forgot the name of this story, and how to find my subscribed things... But I'm loving this story......... Updatessss ;DDD

ohh whats gonna happen at this party
the only thing i can think is an arranged marriage or something

Story Review Game

Layout

First off, I really like the simplicity of your layout and how you used a sort of dull lavender instead of a ton of crazy bright colors. It makes the layout less distracting so the reader can really focus on the story. I also like the simple banner. It gave a glimpse that the main character was having some sort of trouble, but didn't give too much away.

Summary

I usually don't like excerpts mixed with summaries, I tend to prefer one or the other, but you've pulled it off. I felt like the excerpt gave a glimpse into the main character's thought process and set the mood for the story.

I knew that I would have to starve myself for another four days, so I could be beautiful - You actually don't need the comma here, it reads better without it. Same goes for the end of the sentence that follows the same structure.

but she is oblivious to the editing done to each picture she glimpses. - I feel like this would sound a lot better if you took "she glimpses" out.

she meets a group of girls who are just like her and has a terrible habit of constantly dieting. - This should be "and have a terrible habit of constantly dieting."

I did think the summary was a bit too lengthy for my tastes and that the part about the dieting competition could have been stated in the prologue.

Prologue

Chocolate was my worst enemy and nightmare.- I loved this line as a way to kick off the story. I actually feel the same way, but I have a feeling Annabelle takes it a bit further than I do.

I feel like the next couple paragraphs gets a bit too run-onish and wordy. It's a little hard to follow, and a little unbelievable as thought. Normally people don't use formal speech in their thoughts.

For example, I feel like this line would be a lot more effective if it was broken up into two sentences.

Ever since I was twelve years old, I refused to eat any more fragments of my enemy ever again because I could never stop eating it without overlooking the nonexistent guilt I had felt.

I had felt disgusted with myself for always eating, but I could never prevent myself from eating. - I really liked this line. I felt it was ore direct than a lot of the other lines I've read so far.

On October 31 of my freshman year, my friends had decided to start a contest that would begin on the first day of November. - This is really nit-picky, but it doesn't make sense that you say "October 31" at the beginning, then change the format of the next date to "the first day of November." I feel like that's a little inconsistent. It should also be October 31st, not just October 31.

"The rules are simple. The less food you eat, the fewer calories you will consume. Whoever has the least intake of calories in a month will be the skinniest of us all, and we will look up to her with admiration. But this doesn’t mean that our dieting days are over; this contest is purely for fun and is held to challenge ourselves to eat less than we normally do, so we can lose weight as we innocuously compete against each other.” - I wasn't feeling this bit of dialogue. It didn't sound natural to me.

And I, Annabelle Emerson, refused to become a failure. - I loved the bluntness of this line, and it works really well as a closer.

Sorry this is such a short review, but there were hardly any grammatical errors for me to correct!

Overall, this is an alright story. You do have talent, but this just isn't really my style. I don't really feel a connection to the main character at all. I don't feel like you've added anything that makes her incredibly relatable.

This story actually reminded me of an article a read a few months back about how you can sort of "catch" an eating disorder from one of your friends and pick up on their unhealthy habits. I also read another article about these same sort of contests going on in college sororities, so I like that you've taken a real issue and have written about it.

I feel like you've given a nice bit of background information on your main character, but a part of me wants to say it's a bit cliché. I feel like you need to add a nice twist to really make this story your own instead of being just another ED story.

Now it sounds even MORE awesome. I wish I could draw. :P

I read the first chapter (because that's all I have time for right now, sadly) and I have to say that I'm really intrigued. :D
I can't wait to read more!

her painting sounds cool
i hope she changes her eating habits

i very much like this story
i think its interesting that she can talk freely to kayleigh

I like this story I hope you continue it.
I myself have a eating disorder so I can relate to it a little.
Can't wait to read more.

Nice update :)

Well, let's not break the streak now!

Incorporating the title into the story there, are you? I like it. Her painting sounds awesome.
And is this Kayleigh girl the character that you were(n't) hinting at? x)

sjflasjkl;dsa
Here friends are so… ugh. Even the way they talk to each other. They don't seem to be friends, they just seem to coexist. It's weird.

I've already said how much I love this story and I'l say it again=)
Love it!

its so sad that shes doing that and i really dont like the jessica girl

your writing is amazing :) awwww she shouldn't be starving herself like that! are her parents still ignoring her?

Blind.
She's so blind.
Urgh.
And that Jessica seems like a bitch. XD

you are such a good writer!!
i love this story, but i wish she didnt do that
silly girls, they are obviously all beautiful.
update soon?

I'mma subscribingerz...... I loved it! Updates? xD

i like this story
the girl is harming herself so badly
i hope she realizes whats happening to herself