Fortress - Comments

I really like that this is in first person. It feels absolutely real, and the emotions run so well through it. :) I definitely felt the air of the personal, and I think that's why first person read so well. Otherwise, I don't think it would have quite the same e/affect. I really think there was enough in there to not use a lot of description. The fact it was all emotion really just meant something, if you know what I mean?

Also what I liked was how there seemed to be this hopelessness throughout the beginning, then gradually the narrator felt that she/he/you(?) needed to suddenly tell someone that they needed to help you, that something was wrong, that maybe something needed to be done. Then by the end of the piece, it was like the moment was gone - narrator retreats back into the fortress, and there's a wait. But it was wonderfully written to capture those instances.

You must know me enough to know that I will not take action myself, that I need someone to do it for me, to shove me into the spotlight. - I really liked this line, because it was an admittance of defeat and needing help, and it was so clear that no one could mistake it with a misunderstanding. It was just like a turning point...for something that didn't quite come.

Broken down, I cry for all the lost dreams and false hopes. A shadow looms over me. I wipe away the tears and force a smile. - I also liked this first line too. I thought it was a great two sentences to start the narrative. :)

This was gorgeous. Really.
I loved how personal this was and the general way you'd written it was amazing. The descriptions were beautiful and I think the way you did them was lovely, like, they weren't too detailed but you could still picture everything.
You're just an amazing writer and this was beautiful.

One thing:
Does my pain me nothing to you?
Shouldn't 'me' be 'mean', though?

Apart from that, it was fantastic.

I thought this was wonderful.
The descriptions made such vivid imagery, showing you're one fantastic writer.
You had a constant flow which made it so easy to read.
And the quote the person above me picked out is literally one of the most beautiful things I've read.
And I adore the personal touch.

This was very well written, I have to say. The descriptions were beautiful, and the whole drabble had a nice flow to it.

Brick by brick, stone by stone, I build. I build a fortress over my heart.

That stood out to me for some reason. It's beautiful.

Will I be deamed crazy and sent to a mental institution?
I think the word in bold should be spelled 'deemed'.

Other than that, I adored it. Beautiful.

I agree there were some errors but I'm not too nit picky...I didn't notice that many when I was reading it. I liked it and it had nice flow, I don't think you needed more description. It was well written and I don't care about the sentance combining, I'm guessing you did that for stylistic purposes and I wouldn't want to mess with your art, especially since this was a very personal piece.

Grammar

Their all out dealing with their problems, to consumed to notice a friends slowly fading away.
'Their' should be 'They're'.
'To' should be 'Too.'
Friend should have an apostrophe between the d and the s.

Slowly fading into the background. Slowly fading away from myself until i am unrecognizable when i look in the mirror.
You need to capitalize 'I'.
You could combine these sentences, so it would read: Slowly fading into the background, slowly fading away from myself until I am unrecognizable when I look in the mirror.'

If they do, why do then not stand up to me and confront me.
This sentence made no sense.
I think it should be 'If they do, why don't they stand up to confront me?'

Are they scared that if they do, they will push me over the edge?
I may just be being picky, but I think this sentence would sound better if instead of 'scared,' it said 'afraid.'

Unable to defend myself with what little strength i have.
Capitalize 'I'.

Understand that I cannot utter these words out of my mouth because i am afraid of what people will say, what they will think, how they will treat me.
This, I think, should be this: 'Please, understand that I cannot utter a word about my fortress out of fear of what people would say, what they would think, how they would treat me.

The hole is my heart and soul. The very core of my being.
'This hole is my heart and soul; the core of my being.'

Can no one fix it? Is it beyond repair?
It would flow better if it were 'Can no one fix it, is it beyond repair?

Must I live with the pain all my life, however short or long it may be?
Okay, this may be me being picky again, but it would sound better if you reversed 'short' and 'long'.

Do you want it to eat me away? Away into someone unrecognizable to myself and others
Again, combining sentences.
'Do you want it to eat me away, away into someone recognizable to myself and others?

Away into a depression to deep to be pulled away from?
'To' should be 'too'.

Slap me, hit me, beat me. Scream at me, torture me until I have opened my fortress, until I cry out and fall to the ground, broken, opened wide for all to see.
Again, combining sentences.
'Slap me, hit me, beat me, scream at me; torture me until I have opened my fortress. I'll cry out and fall to the ground; opened wide for all to see.'

Make me stop pretending, make me face reality. A reality were I cannot hide. Where everything about me is know by every person I know.
'Make me stop pretending, make me face a reality where I cannot hide. Every single thing about me would be known to every person I know.

I am screaming at you, making you see everything you wish not to see. Showing you images of my life, images and memories I cannot bear, but bear them out so you will do something.
This really didn't make much sense, and combine sentences.
I am screaming out to you, trying to make you see things you wish not to see. I'm showing you images of my life, and memories I cannot bear, yet I bear them out so you will do something.

I am giving up. I have finished my fortress and plan to spend my days locked away, only showing enough of myself that people would never notice this side of me.
Combining sentences.
'I am giving up, and I have finished my fortress and plan to spend my days locked away, showing just enough of myself so that people will never notice this side of me.

What I liked

I liked how personal this was.
I liked the message it had.
I think it was a good oneshot, and I enjoyed reading it.

Improvement

You may want to get a beta reader, seeing as there were quite a few errors.
More description would've been nice as well.