In The Winter, Everything Dies. - Comments

  • FrankJScott

    FrankJScott (100)

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    September 29th, 2023 at 07:43am
  • samanthalynn;

    samanthalynn; (100)

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    This was written well and I would have liked reading it had the color of the words been easier to read.. The layout isn't very good either. I suppose that doesn't really matter though.
    September 21st, 2010 at 12:52am
  • Icamane Hatake

    Icamane Hatake (250)

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    XD heal up from bed rest soon then, so you too can go to Hogwarts!!!
    I really like the feel of the story and it's poetic-ness. Especially this line: "Love doesn't die...Even in winter."
    The only thing you need to fix is your punctuation and capitalization. I know not everyone's perfect, but there were some random capital letters O.o Fixing little things like that will make it even more better. I think the person above me covered which were the major fixes XD
    But, I do really like the story itself. You have a good poetic talent that I would never be able to pull off D:
    And I love your username XD
    ~Icamane
    June 19th, 2010 at 12:02am
  • kili the dwarf

    kili the dwarf (300)

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    I would definately say you need to space the paragraphs and lines differently, because the way it is spaced out looks really random. So for every like paragraph or every time a person speaks, you should space it only once, no need for double spacing them.

    "I know why I like winter now" I believe you need a comma here, but it might be a period, I'm not 100% sure on it.

    "Tell me why" was all he said You need a comma after 'why'.

    "Everything Dies. You don't need to capitalize 'Dies'.

    Animals migrate to far Animals does not need to be capitalized.

    Even in winter." such an optimist Even doesn't need to be capitalized and 'such' should be capitalized.

    such a pessimist 'such' should be capitalized.

    and you love him dead or alive" He was right You need to put a period after 'alive' and after 'right'

    Chloe I made a promise to my best friend You need a comma after Chloe.

    The mangled squawk of a crow was the only thing filling the dim silence, as the snow flakes swirled down to the ground, each one leaping from the cloud above me and delicately landing on the snow packed ground below us leaving an even deeper trail of white. You can break this into two sentences, because it's just a run-on if you leave it like this.

    snow packed ground beneath me leaving a crimson You need a comma after 'me'.

    Such a pessimist, I always was You need a period after was.

    The story itself was very emotional and seemed somewhat poetic, aside from the mistakes it's actually a wonderful story, also you might want to give it a nicer layout to make it more attractive to the reader.

    I hope you aren't offended by everything I told you, just trying to help you out.
    Keep writing!
    June 1st, 2010 at 03:30am
  • paranoid android.

    paranoid android. (200)

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    ~I'm judging for this contest~

    Firstly: the rules. The link to my contest wasn’t there, the layout was quite ugly, to be honest. Several grammatical errors, such as missing commas, full-stops and double-spaces paragraphs were present.

    Good description and repetition of the words ‘everything dies’ made the effect of the ending more impacting. Several good phrases to show how the main character was feeling, such as:
    In the winter I can't tell if I'm cold”.

    Well done! Be sure to keep checking the competition page for the results!
    May 23rd, 2010 at 08:51pm
  • Shall We Run?

    Shall We Run? (100)

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    i still lurve this
    May 8th, 2010 at 05:47am
  • The Warden's Wife

    The Warden's Wife (100)

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    Great description, emotion and grammar.
    And a great story in all, beautiful storyline. Perfect ending, very well done =)
    February 22nd, 2010 at 06:43am
  • Shall We Run?

    Shall We Run? (100)

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    I love this one too!
    February 22nd, 2010 at 05:37am