Kiss You Goodnight. - Comments

I really loved the long summary. It definitely got me interested and it was worded perfectly.

You're layout is beautiful (and I'm not even into layouts at all).

*Reviewing as I read. :)

I really liked that first “real” paragraph. Just adding something as small as the harsh fluorescents sneaking their way through the window slowing gives away the location of the story without giving too much away. I immediately started thinking, Is she in a hotel room adjacent to some neon sign? Or is she living in a big city where there are lots of artificial lights? I like that it simply got me thinking and actively involved in the story, in figuring it out.

because if I do and he wakes I’ll break down on the spot. More clues. Is she trying to leave a boyfriend that she just can't seem to escape? Is she emotionally stuck in the relationship or is he physically preventing her from leaving?

Even though I like the ideas in the third paragraph, I feel like the flow is weird. Parts of it seems to be repetitive and I don't feel like it's effective. I think it would be more powerful if you skim it down a bit. (Not the bit about the wicker chair, because I can tell that's supposed to be repeated, but other parts that just seem rambly.)

I'm really interested in learning more about the dynamic of this couple. Seeing him show concern for her, it changes my idea a bit of what might be going on. Possibly not abuse or anything in particular on his side of things. They seem to have a routine going between the two of them, so why does she want to leave? Is she cheating? Or is she just a generally self-deprecating kind of person who doesn't think she “deserves” to be with him?

I could never watch Danny crumble. This line makes me feel like Danny is possibly very dependent on her, and that's why she feels guilty about leaving. Maybe she fell out of love but he's 'unstable' and can't function without her. And the fact that she has accumulated so many books in their apartment makes me think that they've been together for quite some time. Is she a writer? As a reader, someone who loves books and possibly adventure, is she simply leaving because she's feeling restless?

I can’t depend on him anymore, no matter how good it is. How absolutely perfect it is. So my suspicions were right. She is one of those characters who just won't let themselves be happy.

I think the ending was interesting. I don't know how I feel about it yet. Initially, I don't like the Lisa character. I can't seem to settle on whether or not I find her emotions and her thought process genuine or if she's just another girl who wants to be asked to stay, you know? Witnessing her actions and getting a bit inside her head, I disagree with her view of what's weakness and what's strength. She thinks that not being able to leave is a weakness, but I think that working through her issues while staying would show strength. I can't decide if she's running away from something or towards something. I know what the writing says she's doing but...I don't believe it.

Overall, I think this is was a great piece. It definitely made me think and I think you have an excellent writing style. :)

*Just a small typo: The room is a mess, and when I leave I’ll have a hell have a time trying to find my coat...

I love your layout. I really liked this one. You used good description. Good job.

Story Review Game

- I love the layout! Except for the link color because it's hard to see, it's very beautiful, especially how the dots on the story area make it blend with the background. :)

Summary
- I like that it's short, it's not particularly catching. But at least it doesn't give the whole thing away, and there's nice description.

4:04AM
“I won’t get up to find them, though, because if I do and [he wakes I’ll break down] on the spot.”
- I think “he'll wake and I'll break down” would be better

“No, he twitched. No, his breathing changed just there. No, he’s getting up in an hour and I want to be long gone. No, no, no, no, no.”
- I really liked this part because it showed insight to what the narrator was thinking and feeling: hesitation

“I’ll do it.
But I falter again, and my knees give out, and still I’m sitting on that hard, ugly wooden wicker chair.”
- I like this 'cause it built excitement but made it frustrating since she didn't go through with it. Nice way to reel the readers in.

“His hair would be sticking straight up if it weren’t for the buzz cut I told him not to get.”
- nice details

“His jaw is set, eyes hard and questioning. Studying my face for the slightest clue, an inkling of a hint.”
- the second sentence is a fragment. It can be attached to the 1st one

“mulling over the day, or perhaps the conversation we didn’t have.”
- I love this line!

“My knees and ankles pop as I rise from my seat, feet tingling as I step silently across the worn wooden floor. Over the years-past calendars I’d refused to throw out, avoid the creaky spot by maneuvering onto the rug. Pick up the suitcase.”
- these are sentence fragments

“Locate my sweater and my shoes. Pick my way over to them, dodging clothes and odds and ends, skirting around every floorboard that makes so much as a squeak.”
- these too. Each sentence should have a subject and a predicate

“My legs whirl around [gracefully], almost of their own accord.”
- There are two things wrong with that word. One, it's an adverb and adverbs should be avoided by creative writers like the plague. And two, that's vain of her to think so in her situation and it ruins the mood

“The time on the wall reads 4:04.”
- I'm not exactly sure if this is a good ending. What's the significance of that specific time? If there is no significance, it probably shouldn't be there, but if there is, then there should be a bigger clue as to what

- In general, I thought this was beautiful. It made me worried about the guy and feel kinda sorry for him because it doesn't seem like he did anything wrong. I probably would have wanted to know more of why she wanted to leave him. In this part:
“Do you want to tell me why?” I swallow. “No.”
I thought her response wasn't enough. I don't mean her verbal response to the guy, but her... mental and emotional response too. What was going through her head or what was she feeling when he asked this? Answering this could give the readers more clues as to why she's leaving and make us feel more involved.

Other than that, really good job. :)

this was really good. a little depressing, but all stories can't be fairy tales.

First comment for the win!

Anyways. Wow. First off, cause it was the first thing I noticed, I really like the layout. Especially the little banner thingie at the top xD

But now for the actual story...
Well, I liked it. Obviously. I pretty much love everything you write xD
But I especially liked the introduction, the paragraph where she kept making excuses for why she didn't have to leave. It made it seem like she didn't really want to, and I'd love to read more backstory on why she ended up leaving, despite Danny being super sweet.
I liked his dialogue at the end - "If this is about learning to stand on your own, you can do it without leaving... if it's about courage, then go."
Like I said, I'm not totally sure I understand what's going on between them, but you wrote it really well.

And on one final note - one of my favorite lines in the piece: With dawn comes exposure, and I never want to see how truly imperfect I am, or he is, or we are together.
I love that idea of the dark hiding the truth and the imperfections and...
Gah. It's just such a cool thought.

So. Lovely job. Hope this was rambley enough for you