You Could Be Happy - Comments

Layout over all i like. I would however might change the font. It hurts the eyes to read after a while.

With one breath, everything inside of her dried up, and Olly was sure that this was how it felt to die.
^^ i loved this sentence its was a great way to open.

She sighed and drove off. She didn’t even know where she was going.
^^^^ i would combine these two sentence you seem to use she alot as a way to start a sentence in this paragraph. like this: She sighed, driving off not knowing where she was going or something similar to that.

So when she finally could order, she ordered an order of animal fries, a double-double, and a Neapolitan shake.
^^^ i would take out an order and just say that she ordered.....

They ate in silence for a while. Everything tasted so good to Olly that she didn’t even think about saying anything else. The second the burger touched her taste buds, she was unable to think of anything but.
^^ But what? cliff hanger in a way. nice.

Over all I liked Olly's interaction with Brian its moved the plot along well and was a good way to give background information on the characters. Its a good start.

I'm really liking this. You're writing style is brill. I'm totally ooking forward to see where this is headed. :)

Story Review Game

First off, I really like the banner, but I don't feel like the layout matches it. The layout is also a bit too bright for my tastes, sort of makes my eyes sore.

There was something about Arizona that took her over in a wave of furry and heat.- I really like this line.

With one breath, everything inside of her dried up and Olly was sure that this was how it felt to die. - Another great line, but you need a comma before "and."

She left the airport and wandered around until she found a place for her to rent a car. - The last bit of this sentence is a little awkwardly worded. I feel that it would sound better if you took out "for her."

She paid for the rental and drove the car off. It was small and gorgeous. Olly felt displaced in the sleek design. She sighed and drove off. - This chunk doesn't really flow well to me either. It's just too choppy. I do like the part about her feeling displaced in the sleek design, but the rest just sort of takes away from that line.

Phoenix was filled with people and the traffic was the worst Olly had ever seen.- You need a comma before "and."

lly wanted to laugh, but her throat was too dry to. - Dangling preposition here, just take off the "to" at the end.

She wasn’t even that hungry, but it all sounded too good. - I liked this sentence. I felt that it made the story more relatable because everyone has experienced that feeling.

Finished, to turned to the boy who was in front of her and asked, “Why?” - I didn't really understand this bit, I felt it could be worded a little more clearly.

Olly smiled slightly. “Well, to one his own.” - I believe the saying is "to each his own."

“What?” she asked, her eyes blinking rapidly as she looked at him. He seemed to almost glow. Then again, it might have just been that he was standing under a light. - Something about this bit just made me smile. I think because you tacked on that he might just be standing under a light. It sort of pushed off the whole "love at first sight" cliche I was getting vibes of.

I felt like this story was cute and that this was a nice first chapter, but it was a little bit unrealistic to me. Like, I don't think I would open up to a total stranger about the death of one of my best friends.

I liked the dialogue here, and it felt very naturally, but I feel like the whole thing is dialogue. It could use some more description. For example, I have no clue what Olly looks like.

I think this is a cute idea and could make a really good story, there's just a few things that feel sort of off. I believe you're more than capable of fixing them of course. =)

I like the concept of this.

This is a really interesting and amazing idea for a story. I love it already. :)
I also love how The Summer Set is in this, they are one of my favorite bands.
I am definitely subscribing and I will be looking forward to more and more!