Kaleidoscopic - Comments

I'm glad I checked out the story!
I really like Tori's character.
I could use maybe a bit more explanation how Tori met Keith? I'm curious really as to how they met.

(In the fourth chapter, you put, "That is all I need to get me threw the years after she's gone.", but I believe you mean through not threw. Just a small thing that caught my eye.)

I'm glad I checked out the story!
I really like Tori's character.
I could use maybe a bit more explanation how Tori met Keith? I'm curious really as to how they met.

(In the fourth chapter, you put, "That is all I need to get me threw the years after she's gone.", but I believe you mean through not threw. Just a small thing that caught my eye.)

The summary in the beginning really had me going for the story. It kind of reminded me of this fantasy story I read as a kid, so I just had to check it out. :P

I also really liked the way you ended the first chapter, though I would like it more if there was a little bit explanation about the character? Or maybe it's just me?

First of all I would like to compliment your unique plot and the heroine you've made in Kaleidoscopic. I like the title as well.

There are, however, a few mistakes. Only a few, don't worry, and you could easily work through that. And they're just typographical errors. Examples are:

"Why can't you date someone your OWN age?" Her dad asked.
"But I WON'T let our relationship end in tragedy."
putting a TOO much pressure on the door's knob.

"Yeah, and pigs fly. COME ON, this is ridiculous. Keith's playing a joke ON ME, isn't he?" She said. -- Run on sentences which is pretty minor.

"I didn't want to." She said. He smiled at her. "Well, now you have to. Look in the the top drawer of
the dresser and change into your uniform. Today you shall start work as a waitress." -- there's an abrupt shifting of the person who's currently talking, which could lead to confusion.

I suggest you do it like this:

"I didn't want to." She said.

He smiled at her. "Well, you have to...." So on and so forth.

Overall, ignoring the minor typos, you have a wonderful plot that could blossom into a great story. I'll be looking forward to what happens to Tori. She is a strong willed girl. If I were in her position, I would probably freak out... But she handles situations really well. Good job.
PS: I'm also curious about Luke and Tori's relationship. Looks to me like they've got some chemistry. Do they? :)

4/5. Just be careful with typos and you'll be off to a good start. ;)

~ Review by Rapture and Roses