March 17th, 2010 at 11:07pm
I reviewed A Person, a Painting, a Promise and to start it off, I'll start with the layout. it was pretty, but a little too green for me but it was readable, so good job on that!
the story
I loved how you describe the colors- it makes me feel like i'm there. I like how you started it off with them painting, it felt serene and peaceful for me. I could imagine it in my head, because it was really descriptive. well done!
She was always the bright and sunny one, and I was always the shy loner. Our relationship never made sense to anyone, not even my parents. They raised their eyebrows when they first shook Miranda's hand, her palm coated in gold and chartreuse.
I like how they're opposites. I've always felt that was a relatable thing in real life (opposites always attract haha)
The box slided around in my pocket. - maybe rephrase that to the box slid around my pocket. I think it makes more sense.
"I don't think love is the stuff you see on television." A man shoved past me. "I think love is fighting for something you truly think is special and worth keeping."
I felt that this was really strong. I liked it, because I agree with it.
"Like they say, you're always young at heart." We laughed, the corners of my eyes wrinkling. I could feel my skin lift into its younger self, the face that had a bright future. The Hadyn that could've been anything. I absolutely loved this. I liked the part where it says, "The Hadyn that could've been anything.
All in all, this felt to me like a very dreamy, romantic storry. I loved the ending. I loved everything about, and it really captivated me from start to finish. There were hardly any grammar mistakes, or spelling mistakes. Great job!
The first thing I want to point out: I love your use of colors. You describe each color not just as "blue" or "green", but you really thought about how it looks and I could imagine it perfectly. I love this as an opening sentence: Her hands were stained with a rare sapphire paint, the kind you mix by hand to get right. It makes me interested in the character right away. And throughout the piece, you throw in these little details (in this case, that the paint is mixed by hand), and it really makes the story more believable.
One mistake I noticed: very minor, but in the second sentence of the second paragraph, you wrote, "She smudges the paint on the canvas.". It should be smudged, since the piece is in past tense.
Moving on...They raised their eyebrows when they first shook Miranda's hand, her palm coated in gold and chartreuse. I had to look up what chartreuse was cause I didn't know what color that was.
The box slid around in my pocket. This immediately made me think, he's proposing?, and made me curious to see how it would play out. And I like that the ring turned out to be a promise ring, because it would have bordered on cliched otherwise. And it's so much sweeter that it's a promise ring. It kinda made my heart melt, the way he gave it to her. The way he fumbled with it... I see him as this awkward yet earnest kind of guy in my head.
Final comment: It's simply written, but it's a lovely story. I enjoyed reading this.