You're Gone - Comments

That was beautiful and heart-breaking. I could feel the raw emotion whilst reading this, it was was such poigant and elegant piece.It was so vivid. The imagery and language. It was simple and straight.

You weren’t ready, I could tell. Your chest shuddered and you screamed; a noise that was unbearable to me. This really tugged on my heartstring. Just a sentence and it's was really powerful.

You are an amazing writer. You pulled this off with such sincerity. i really wish you well with your future work, as I know that it will be as powerful and amazing as this.

=)

This piece was full of raw emotion - so heartbreaking. Each and every sentence was meaningful to the piece. My gosh, I loved this. So many people are able to relate to this; a death in the family. Especially a death following prolonged illness. I commend you for being able to write this, and for how well you were able to write this.

Your writing is very powerful. It makes people feel. I liked the layout. It was very simple, and I didn't have to switch to default to read, which was very good. The picture fit the writing perfectly.

One thing I will mention, however, is that you entered this in the drabble section. A drabble is an extremely short work of fiction exactly one hundred words in length, although the term is often incorrectly used to indicate a short story of fewer than 1000 words. It's not that big of a deal, but still not quite the correct category.

:)

This was heartbreaking :( I love that you were able to provide a personal and chilling approach to death, but still carry it off nicely.

This tugged at my heart. :( I nearly cried at how you described everything. I lost my grandfather years ago so I can really relate to those feelings.

Near the end you asked us to take you off life support. I watched your eyes bulge as the doctor pulled the plug. You weren’t ready, I could tell. Your chest shuddered and you screamed; a noise that was unbearable to me.

I got such an image in my mind it scared me. You're such a powerful writer.

My God. This is so personal and intimate, it's as if your voice is speaking out to me. It's terribly sad, and I'm so sorry about your loss if this is a true story.

I like how this piece is not whimsical or overly-ornate. It's passionate and to-the-point, which is perfect for an emotional story like this. The detail still remains crisp and vivid and brought tears to my eyes. Almost everyone could relate to this piece; it is real, and that's what makes it beautiful.

I hate to be 'that girl', though, but the one line that confused me was this one;
Must I suffer any longer? I couldn’t save him but it wasn’t my fault. He died just like anyone of us does. We get old and wither away. We drift farther apart from our families and suffer in loneliness.

I'm not sure if the narrator is speaking to herself or of the grandfather. The story is in 2nd person, and if she's talking about her lost loved-one, then this would need to be changed, but if she's talking to herself it's fine.

Overall, lovely job. It's a real talent to be able to write with sincerity and heart. (:

First off, I love the picture of the man. Just from the picture he seems like such a sincere, warm old soul. He seems as though he'd be a complete sweetheart.

I'm assuming this piece was written for your grandfather? Not only do I think it's amazing when writers are able to write off of personal experiences, but I really love how you've taken your own experience and made it a beautiful piece.

You are no more; therefore my happiness is no more.
-This. This just broke my heart. All the emotions you've portrayed in this are just so... raw and real. It's absolutely amazing.

Near the end you asked us to take you off life support. I watched your eyes bulge as the doctor pulled the plug. You weren’t ready, I could tell. Your chest shuddered and you screamed; a noise that was unbearable to me. I couldn’t deal with it; you being gone.
- This entire section actually brought physical tears to my eyes. That is, honestly, something huge. Because I can truthfully tell you that no story I've read here on this site has ever made me cry. So I'm hating you for this right now.

Your death has made weak, for I am open for all to see.
- I just... I sincerely loved this. It's the most real and emotive piece that I've read in a really long time. I absolutely adored it... wow.

This was really good. And it had such a personal touch; which made it so much better. The style of your writing is wonderful, and it flowed very well. I loved the fact you used more short sentences as opposed to long winding ones; it helped with the presentation of emotions and gave it a sporadic feel.

The one thing that irked me about it was the use of the word bitch; I think something tamer, or a metaphor would have suited the piece better.

However, it was brilliant, and you defiantly have a knack for writing.

I honestly almost cried reading this.
I'm guessing it was your grandfather based on the picture, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Anyway, I loved how personal this piece of writing was- and the emotion, language, and imagery.
Your sentences flowed very well, and it was extraordinary.
There isn't one mistake that I could find, and I like it the way that it is.
It's very touching, and my eyes are all watery while typing this. xD
Great, great job. (: