Oh my god! This is really good. There was not a part where I wasn't at the edge of my seat. I wish it was either a little longer or you could add another part to it because it was really good. Great job!
March 6th, 2014 at 09:02pm
Summary
That was one amazing summary. You managed to hook the reader up with what could possibly be tormenting this soldier.
Layout
I really like the layout image; it is simple, but it relates perfectly with the story.
Content
Okay, first off, I was a bit iffy about reading a mental illness story, because I've only managed to come across really poor written ones, but I instantly baffled by the way you managed to convey the actual reality of dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Your descriptions are so vivid, and I simply adore how you managed to trigger the veteran's memories with the simplest noises.
“I want to die! Let me go!” I let out a frustrated sigh and tucked her [...]
I was really getting into the story, but this little bit kind of put me down a bit; the dialogue is great, but it sounds as if a more mature woman was saying this, and not a 6 year old little child in the middle of a massacre. I don't know why, but the whole dialogue doesn't fit the girl's age, the situation yes, but the age... not so sure about it. Perhaps you could revise that, but that's just a thought.
I take another drink as the never-ending tears begin to pool in my bloodshot, brown eyes.
For the very first time, I've managed to stumble with a story that actually mixes in a way of copping with the PTSD. Addictions are common when having this mental illness, and for the first time I've seen in being mentioned in a story that deals with this.“I’m scared!” she shouted and pressed her crying face[...]
This, right here, conveys perfectly the age of the child and how would she react to such a situation; it is understandable that at war times, children might have to act older than their age, though they are still children, and this is where I first began to think of Cam as one.
Your descriptions are amazing. The whole scene was unfolding before my eyes while reading, and it was so heart wrenching to read those final lines; it was certainly not his intention to kill her, but he still punishes himself for it.
The end was incredible; it has no ending, because it is life and it doesn't require one. I really love stories that have no resolutions, that are held in time forever, written so the readers can make up their own endings, so I particularly loved how you finished this one.
Overall
The descriptions are amazing as well as the narration; you portrayed perfectly PTSD and how people who suffer from such mental illness live their lives and the ways they use to cope with it.
The only thing that bothered me was that at the beginning of the dialogue, Cam came off as a woman, rather than a child. Perhaps revise that and delve further into the age of the character so it seems more real.
