The Poison - Comments

Alright, I won't quote much of the story because I believe it takes space or the actual review, so I'll comment on layout, characterization, plot-line, descriptions, and overall grammar.

Layout
The layout is beautiful and so simple and eye-catching. It relates perfectly to the story, so that's a plus.

Plot line and sentence structure
Thanks for the summary Okay, into the story.

I love the correlation you made between the dialogue that occurred after Alice slaying the Jabberwocky and the Hatter and the dialogue that starts your story. The ending of one Wonderland is the beginning of another, and I love that feeling that you created with it.

Your plot line is so adorable and sweet to read, and I'm not in to romantic fics, but this one was just so beautiful. The conflict is really interesting and so heart wrenching. You conveyed all the emotions perfectly into the narration, dialogue, and descriptions.

Descriptions
The descriptions are amazing. It's like I'm watching a movie. All the images appear perfectly in my head, and each image portrays a different facet of the character.

Characterization
The transitions and changes done to the characters as the story progressed are so realistic, vivid. It is obvious that you spent time in character development, and it paid off.

I really liked the part in which she notices that he had changed, through the letters, these somber and darker words are painted in a tint of red in my head, I can see the blood he has seen even when you don't even mention it.

The characters react perfectly to each situation, so real, as if these characters actually existed and I was watching old films of their lives.

Grammar
No need to delve here, for I did not notice any grammar mistakes.

Overall
This was such a highly realistic story to read. The characters, the plot, the scenery, the feelings, everything was tangible and painted perfect images in my mind.

And the ending was like life, no defined one, no ways as to how they'll solve the problem, but the intention is there, which gives a perfect resolution for the drama.

Omigosh, the end of this made me want to cry, and I'm not an easy crier

The way you've told this story makes me feel all warm and gooey inside, and I love how they aren't "labeled" as bf/gf, but you can totally tell there's something there.

Overall, this story was really powerful and moving. It shows one of the lesser know consequences of war beautifully.

This is a really beautiful peace of writing, totally realistic and unique.
It all flows nicely and the descriptions were wonderful. :3
I founds it really sad too and I think you'll definitely reach out to people with this story.
I don't usually find war stories interesting but I have to say this one is just amazing.
You're a brilliant writer, really powerful. <3

One Shot for a One Shot:
Okay, I'll try to be as detailed as possible:

“Then stay.”

“I can’t, you know that.” Lily wriggled her way out from her friend’s arms, pulling on a pair of his camouflage training pants. He pouted slightly, resting his elbows behind him to prop him up. Lily looked over at him, smiling a little at the pout, "Chris, I mean it. Your sergeant would kill you.” Chris sighed, knowing she was right.
I got kind of confused at the first sentence. Maybe, you can say where they are after that sentence, making it more clear. Or maybe that's just me I love the conversation they are having in her at first.

He studied her eyes for a moment, then let them drift away and glanced at his army green camouflage pants that rested on her legs, and then at the denim jacket of his that was in her hands, prepared to cover her white tank-top. She always said she was merely “borrowing” it, though it really was for her to have another piece of him with her.
I love how she studied him here and how a piece of him will always be with her

The second letter felt like a weight in Lily’s hands, and the text included was tinged with darker words, along with the news of the death of one of his good friends and referencing some kills he had made. And the final letter made Lily want to puke, having detailed, intense play-by-plays of the shots he’d fired, the emotions he described as a ‘burning pit of desire to kill’ as he’d shot, and about a bombing that had occurred nearby.
Just wanted to add that in there, if you want to change it. =P

Arms wrapped around Chris, fragile and shaking. His rough hands softly stroked the person’s back, knowing it was Lily. He was sent home from the war, showing signs of some sort of mental illness neither he nor Lily had bothered to hear the name of. He was just so glad, so happy to be home and with Lily, his wonderful Lily.

“Please stay. Please, don’t leave again,” She whispered shakily as she looked up at him with reddened eyes. He gently brushed hair away from her face with his fingertip as he kissed her nose, then her forehead, then her cheek, remembering the wonderful feel of her silky skin, “I’m not going anywhere, Lily.”

Perfect ending! I just thing that the comma after "skin" should be replaced as a period, but that's just me! Like this:

He gently brushed hair away from her face with his fingertip as he kissed her nose, then her forehead, then her cheek, remembering the wonderful feel of her silky skin.

“I’m not going anywhere, Lily.”

All in all, no grammer mistakes I found, I think.
I'm so sorry I suck at this

Good lord, this is beautiful.

You have such wonderful descriptions and such flowing writing. Your style is unique and enviable.

And within it, there's such depth and substance. This is a tough, tricky subject that you've handled so well.

Combined, it's just an overall wonder of a piece. You are obviously one hell of writer.

this is very lovely
my favourite line was -
And he fell to his knees in his army green, gloved hands hiding his face.
idk, it just struck me as powerful.

I really liked this, juliet.

I teared up reading this because this story is similar to one that my grandpa told me about his dad.
This was really emotionaly and worded amazingly.
Nice job.

This actually made me kind of sad. :(
My brother is in the navy and I'm so worried about him.
So, in a way I know how she feels.

This was beautifully written...
I was touched, which is weird.
Because in cases such as these, that doesn't happen much for me.
So, lovely job. :]

i was browsing profiles and i ended up on your's and decided to read a story.. and man, am i glad i did..
i don't usually read war stories because they make me so sad, but this.....well this was so beautiful, and full of hope... simple amazing.. beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...

Kay, I do grammar as I read so I'll go ahead and do that.

He pouted slightly, resting his elbows behind prop him up.
I think there's a word missing in the second part of the sentence, it doesn't make much sense.

That's the only thing I could find wrong with it.
Very good job with grammar. (:

Kay, so now the story as a whole:

I loved it.
I've never really read many war-related stories and this was just... wow.
You're really good with playing with emotions in the reader.
Description was wonderful as well.
It was very, very well written.

I hate when guys leave to fight.

Juliet, I can't even explain how you're writing irks me. I absolutely love it. You're so flowey and beautiful and I can't believe it! This is beautiful, I hope you win. <3

The ending was perfect.