But Now He's a Zombie - Comments

The first line of this really drew me in. It's just the finality of it all -- once they were friends, now one eats brains for a living. It's so final and stark and just throws the reader headfirst into the piece with a bang. I love it!

I like that this is in present tense, as well. It kind of gives it this rushed sense, this urgency that the narrator has to do something before he's eaten by his former friend. It works really well in context and it does add to the overall tenseness of the piece. You can almost imagine yourself behind the door with him, and going through the window, and running from the hoards. It's heartbreaking in a way because as a reader, you want to be able to empathise with his situation but it's something entirely unprecedented and honestly, I can't imagine being in that situation myself. So all the reader can do is read on and hope the ending is a positive one.

And then you dash that completely with the last few paragraphs. Like somebody said below, I think it's really interesting that the fate of the narrator is actually dealt with outright instead of being left implied. I think that final line is so poignant as well, and the idea that he's still able to think gives this whole other level of terror to the aspect of zombies -- if he's capable of (semi)rational thought like that of the last paragraph, then how smart are they, really? So even after the final line, the reader is left thinking about the world you've created in such a short space of time.

I really enjoyed this. It was such an interesting narrative and different from the normal 'zombie apocalypse' sorts of stories I've read before. Wonderful job!

I decided to read this because you had a very enigmatic summary. I’m not keen on the horror/supernatural but it was the Run for your life. Pray for me. line that drew me in. Brilliant summary, exactly what you need from one!

I love how you throw the reader straight into the action – no tip toeing around the incidents just throw straight in. Straight away, the tension is building up and the present tense narration works really well. The melodramatic language of the monologue works brilliantly and sets the scene up for the rest of the story.

The varying sentence structures used give this piece so much more life, and it gives the narrator so much more character. I thought you described the scenes well, and I didn’t spot much grammar mistakes. The plot ran smoothly, nothing seemed too out of place although the constant running within the piece made it seem the same at some parts.

I thought you dealt with the ending well, such a powerful ending. I think it’s better than you outright saying the fate of the narrator, especially as the last line leads to lots of interpretations and it’s possibly my favourite line of the whole piece. Although I had flashbacks of Shaun Of The Dead and Zombieland, this was enjoyable to read. Good job.

One Shot for One Shot:

“Joseph was my best friend, but now he's a zombie.”

I like how you start the story off so simply, and how you included the title in the first line. I always love seeing the title stated in a story, so right off the bat this is a win for me.

“Not to mention, I'm fucking miserable because my best friend is dead for all intents and purposes.”

I like the aspect of dark comedy here and how you casually threw in the word “fucking” when up until this point the story seems pretty simple and innocent.

“Luckily for me, I am a fast runner, and zombies are seriously slow.”

Another aspect of dark comedy here, you’ve kind of reminded me of Shaun of The Dead...

“Maybe I could even walk away from this scene...” I really liked this, I thought it was clever and witty but then when you finished the sentence, “...but instinct won't let my feet slow down at all.” You added some seriousness, and I understand it’s not a comedy (from checking the genre) but you can’t really expect someone to take something serious if you’ve just made them laugh (even if it’s just a chuckle).

“I open the refrigerator and almost immediately down a whole carton of orange juice.”

Since you’ve begun to make it clear that this is a serious piece, I wouldn’t recommend using the word “down” as it’s very casual.

“I sigh with resignation and lock myself inside. Here I go again.”

I really like the full circle effect here, he starts in a bathroom and he ends in a bathroom.

“This is it. As they gather, the banging gets crazier.”

I’m not sure how I feel about using the word “crazier” ... I’m not so sure how banging would be crazy. “Louder” I see, “More Intense” I see, but “crazier” just doesn’t do it for me.

“I have an odd taste in my mouth.”

I think this last line is great – such a simple observation (which makes sense because I wouldn’t expect a zombie to be all that thoughtful) which really displays the new character. This line is so simple and doesn’t sound that important, almost irrelevant, but that’s what I like, cus obviously it is important, and vague – I assume it’s a fleshy taste or some sort of strange zombie flavor that I’m inexperienced to.

Overall, I didn’t care much for the piece. There were certainly lines that I liked but for the most part I just couldn’t get drawn in. If it was a dark comedy there should have been more humor and if it was a horror, well I’m pretty easy to scare and I wasn’t nervous. I don’t really have any advice on how to go about it (seeing as I don’t write horror myself) but some tension definitely needs to be created to fulfill the author’s purpose.

This was wonderful! I wish it didn't end so quickly. I liked the idea of being inside the zombie's mind as well. Your descriptions were great and you really hope for the narrator to find safety when reading this. I also liked how in the beginning you included a personal connection between the narrator and the zombie's (well, Joseph). I also like that at first, the narrator does their best to try and survive, but in the end, realizes that there is no way to avoid what is bound to happen. Great job on this!

I think you have a good sense of the character's voice here. Sometimes I find first person a bit difficult to read because it sounds too formal, but I think you used it effectively. I like that the main character does consider the dangers (like whether going into the other house will be safe) but in the end just goes for it because staying still would be just as dangerous as moving. It really paints a picture of desperation and that will to survive. And it's very realistic for the situation - having to go for long periods without food and water.

It's also interesting to think of the back story. I got the idea that the zombie invasion had been happening for a while and that Joseph and the narrator had been hiding together, and that's another reason why the narrator is so upset and scared that he's a zombie now, because that means she is completely alone. (Besides the fact that he's her friend of course.)

A few small things.
my best friend is dead for all intensive purposes should be "for all intents and purposes."
and
I want something else to eat now, and I scent the air in search of it. should probably be something like "and I smell the air in search of it."

Minor things though. To add, I like the ending and how she doesn't really seem to know what's happened to her. It is interesting that she does have some kind of consciousness.

Wonderful description to enhance the tension but also create a picture in the readers mind.
I liked the lack of dialogue, it really helped the story.
Great plot, wonderful flow and I really enjoyed this piece.

I really liked this and I think it's different to anything else I've read. I also like the very limited dialogue and how you describe her thought process, to me that was very realistic. Well done.

I enjoyed reading this. It flowed well and I think someone above me said they wish this wasn't a one shot either. I would have liked to see where she ended up after the zombies at her flesh. I'm assuming she would become a zombie now and didn't notice or feel it at the time. But I loved the simple narration you had going on and from the course of events in the story, you kept us going and not once was I bored, so good job with that and nice piece of work.

huh! I liked this!
One of my favorite movies ever is Zombieland and I have sat with my friend we tried to decide what we would do if there ever was a zombie attack! But ANYWAY I like it a lot

Wow, I've never really thought about what it would be like if I was attacked by zombies...

I only know that I wouldn't last past the first zombie, 'cause I have basically no survival skills, lol.

I loved how you ended it with how being a zombie was like. What they thought, well... how their head hurt when they thought...

I loved it :)

Yes, I've commented on this before, but hey, it's a really, really good story. I like how it starts all...blunt, almost. And I like that this is in present form, rather than past. It gives it a different feel; plus, it makes it not boring. I also like how the story goes by pretty quickly in this manner too. I mean, she's getting chased, so it makes your breath hitch and your heart beat a little faster. I really, really like the ending though. It seems like you could write a story just based off that ending and how the main character goes on living as a zombie.
Amazing job (:

This is really good, like everyone else said, but I have to agree with Melissa Gaskarth;; it's a great story idea, but I feel like it needs a cool layout to go alone with it. Anyways, I love the way it started off with funny one-liners, even though it pretty sad about her friend, then it totally went from funny to dark in a few moments. This is wonderful (:

This was really good :)
I like the way it started off with some funny, cynical one-liners (even though the part about her friend was sad) and then shifted into darker thoughts with that sort of bleak resignation.
Well done :)

I really liked this! The beginning was really funny and kind of reminded me of a script my friends and I wrote. But I liked the darker turn at the end of the story. It was a quick read but I really liked it. :D

Wow that is really creepy but I loved it! x] The layout kind of sucks as xXATL_LoveXx said but nevermind. This is brilliant. <3

it kinda sucks there is no layout, but that's okay!
but the guys name is jospeh! thats my best guy friends name :]
woah, thats a little creepy, he is dead, but beating on her door :/
wow this is really suspenceful! im afraid whats going to be outside the window
i mean i doubt zombies will ever come and get me, but thatd be scary
gosh i hate running, but would probabaly do that if it meant my life
ahh that woud be so creepy to have them beating on the door, ugh :/
ahh! they got her!! thats not good, sht, shit shit, :[
oh gosh, the ending, i think shes a zombie now then too

Oh, wow. Thanks a lot. I didn't think I had it in me to scared people. I'll take that as a compliment. :)

Aww, I wish it wasn't a short story. :''<
It was really good, I must say, and at some points I was actually kind of scared.
Nice suspense, you got theree. Ha hah. :}}

Thanks, man, that means a lot. :)

This was a good story :)
I love zombies, so this story made me smile!