Eleanor In Ruins - Comments

New chapter is loverly. :] Really good work. This turned out great.

First off I have to say I love the new title. Take me away was kind of bland sounding, even though you named it after the contest so I get why you named it that. Eleanor in ruins has such a lovely ring to it and I love it. Now onto the story itself.
Starting off I found things a lot easier to understand this time round, maybe it was because of rereading or maybe it was because it was better written, I think it was a combination of both. I was also more touched and saddened for Eleanor's plight this time round and you defiantly pulled it off better. I also found Eleanor a more enjoyable character this time and got a better view of her personality. At first I thought some bits seemed rather melodramatic and over purple prosed but then I realized it was just Eleanor’s personality as it was told from her point of view. It was melodramatic because she was just so unhappy and believed everything was so bad and it had excessive purple prose because she longed for a beautiful fantasy world. When I took this into consideration I enjoyed it a lot more and made so much sense. Though that sentence about opening her sea green eyes still was a wee bit cheesy.
Complaint wise there are a few times when you muddle up the tense. For example there was one paragraph that had a past then had had present in the middle and then past again at the end. Though that is honestly nit picking as I only noticed it once and was probably just an overlooked mistake, so nothing to worry about. Also I'm not so sure wether or not Eleanor would have realistically survived that jump as I did some research into it and a lot of people have died jumping off the golden gate bridge and even the ones who survived ended up with lots of broken bones or unable to walk again. Though I read about one incident about this guy that jumped off was absolutely fine and then swam to land and walked off, so miracles happen and I guess that's what happened to Eleanor. So once again easily overlooked. Keep up the great work and you have improved greatly.

Story Review Game!

The quote in the beginning is a nice one.

Chapter Two:

Eleanor was so close, but yet so far and then saved. I like how even though it possibly meant death she's so caught up in her own mind that she can't even thank her rescuer. All she can think about is her father's world and kingdom. Even though she would have pssibly froze to death, she still tried to go back. I still stand by the fact that she is selfish.

goose-pimpled face broke out into a boyish grin. Goose-pimpled? That's just weird I think, cause I think of a face covered with acne...Did you mean like goose-bumps?

as he deftly replaced my cardigan with the dry leather jacket he'd smartly thought to throw onto the shore before jumping in after me. I find it funny how she realizes this and, yet she can't realize the guy just saved her life.

He smelled of apple cores and freshly cut grass, just as repulsing as always and I reveled in the familiarity of it all. This line confuses me, because I don't find apples and grass repulsive in smell...I mean I don't think most people really do find that a repulsive smell...maybe tobacco or a musky scent is repulsive, but apples and grass no. Did you mean to use repulsive? Does Eleanor like fresh and sweet scents or something?

His words were firm and should have left no room for argument, but after having been away for so long, even just a memory seemed like heaven. I really like this line, maybe favorite out of both chapters.

he lock of oxygen and below-freezing temperatures I believe you mean 'the lack' in this sentence.

After my mother's death, everyone in my family started to get picked off by cancer like flies. Well as sad as that is she sure does like to look at the bright side of thinking...note my sarcasm.

I couldn't even convince myself that I wasn't bat-shit crazy, to quote a particularly rude federal agent I actually like Nathan and didn't find him rude at all, but that's just me. Of course Eleanor could just be mad because he ruined her chances of finding death in order to get to Eldonia.

...the city could take you to court for defacing public property." I'm not sure that jumping off a bridge in public is "defacing public property" because defacing is vandalism...

Over all it was a good chapter, I think it was way better than the first. So good job with that and keep writing.

I think I may have been a bit rude in this review, but I can promise you that was not my intention if it sounds that way.

Huh... now my first thoughts are just like: oh. em. gee. Eleanor is Eldonia! Haha, my mind is so weird. Since, you know, "Eleanor in Ruins", as your title, and Maynard saying that her dad had kingly duties and that Eldonia was in a "terrible war", which, to me, is kind of like being ruined... yeah, okay, I'll shut up now. I still think it's awesome.

Story Review Game!

Title: Creative and interesting title, makes me think that this Eleanor girl is a wreck possibly, maybe trying to figure something out...

Summary: Well the summary certainly does give it an interesting view. The idea is very creative too, a dream world and then a reality trying to connect the two of them, I can't wait to see where this goes!

Chapter One: I like the Alice in Wonderland quote you use, brings out the imagination of the story, the magic of it I guess you could say. The first few paragraphs are kind of like the summary, so nothing really popped out to me.

As I read on about Eleanor and her dad's kingdom it brings out the purity of a child. How she believe her father owns a sea kingdom and that she'll one day rule it herself. It's really sweet and cute.

Eldonia sounds like a nice place. Maybe give a little descpirtion of it there.

That's so sad that her mother got in a car crash the day of her birthday and she had to be in the hospital, I couldn't imagine what that is like...not to mention her actually passing away, poor girl.

This is a very interesting story, but I think it's a bit quick paced. Just because one minute we're in one place and the next it's another thing. Maybe it's just me though, cause I love to read descrpition and whatnot...

"Do not think of this as forever, Eleanor. When the time is right, you will know how to return to this place," he whispered, just as I began to fade out of the dream. I don't know why, but I really like this line.

I was the child left alone in the world without a mother or father, I was the one that should have been falling apart, not her. Eleanor seems to be rather selfish, maybe because of the pain she is feeling. It's childish of her to think she's the only one who lost anything, but that makes the story seem a bit more realistic.

That letter was really good, poor Eleanor, the title for this story makes perfect sense.

The ending of the chapter was awesome, probably the best written piece. Her falling in, the emotion that came with it, and then it had me wanting more. The beginning and middle of the story was somewhat blunt and quick paced, but the ending was amazing!

I hope this review helped you a bit and I hope that I didn't offend you.

Truly amazing.
I liked it before, but now it's just stunning.
This is brilliant. :D I'm really awed by the results.
Good work; you should win this!

Okay... so I found your comment (ugh, I'm such a bad person) and I'll admit that I've only actually read the first two chapters properly and skimmed over the rest, but when my incredibly annoying end-of-year tests are over, I'll go read the rest of them properly (haha, and maybe finish writing my own.) I really like your story, by the way. I know this doesn't help much, but whatever. I like that you used a name that not a lot of people use. Typically, they like to use unique names, but in my opinion "Eleanor" is a name that hasn't been used very much in stories, and I like that. It makes the character unique. Also, and I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not, but I like how the fantasy world, Eldonia, and your protagonist's names both start with an "EL". It makes it kind of catchy and definitely easy to remember. Also, I believe my favourite part out of the first two chapters was when Nathan said, "Come on, kid, I didn't risk catching hypothermia down there so you could die on me as soon as I got you to dry land!" Ah, that made me laugh out loud.

Considering your story is still progressing and I've only read a little amount, I think it's awesome. (:

Okay... so I found your comment (ugh, I'm such a bad person) and I'll admit that I've only actually read the first two chapters properly and skimmed over the rest, but when my incredibly annoying end-of-year tests are over, I'll go read the rest of them properly (haha, and maybe finish writing my own.) I really like your story, by the way. I know this doesn't help much, but whatever. I like that you used a name that not a lot of people use. Typically, they like to use unique names, but in my opinion "Eleanor" is a name that hasn't been used very much in stories, and I like that. It makes the character unique. Also, and I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not, but I like how the fantasy world, Eldonia, and your protagonist's names both start with an "EL". It makes it kind of catchy and definitely easy to remember. Also, I believe my favourite part out of the first two chapters was when Nathan said, "Come on, kid, I didn't risk catching hypothermia down there so you could die on me as soon as I got you to dry land!" Ah, that made me laugh out loud.

Considering your story is still progressing and I've only read a little amount, I think it's awesome. (:

I really enjoyed reading this. I'm glad you called me and forced me to read it. I'm thinking about writing something and entering it as well. Anyway, there are some spelling errors and grammar, but nothing worth typing all out to you. The only thing that bugged me was how quickly she went from hating Nathan to instant liking. They only met two times - no wonder she's so surprised to feel the way she does. Other than that though, I like it and I will sub so I can get updates. And I'll post something for you to read when I can pull the ideas floating in my head into something resembling a story. <3

Review game, hope I'm doing this right...
Okay first off I'll start with stuff I like. I very much do like the concept of the story about the girl who may or may not be going crazy because of a crappy life and/or family genetics. Though I would like Eldonia just to be a figment of her imagination as that has a more original flavour to it. Also I do enjoy Elenore though sometimes the only aspect of her that comes across is "crazy" and I don't get much personality for her. Or Nathan for that matter, all I get from him is the fact he is a cop and he is brave, or something like that. Also the first chapter grated on my nerves as it was just one big info dump about her past which could have been spread out a bit more or revealed bit by bit as the story progressed. Otherwise you could explore more into Elenore's thoughts as all she seems to be doing is just noting down the events really and some scenes need filling out more. I couldn't find anything wrong with the grammar or spelling, so you are better then me at that for definite. In all a rather charming little story that I wish you the best of luck with. Sincerely, Fagin Smith.

In the great words of Mary Poppins "Practically perfect in every way!"

Okay, first off. LOVE IT! Five chapters down, and I am still speechless. The quotes tie into the story so wonderfully, that you would think they were created just for that reason. The love hate relationship between Nathan and Elenore is incredible, and moving at the same time. The dark, crude humor masked by the brilliant wonder of Eldonia is magnificent. I LOVE IT LOVE LOVE IT

First chap down, and I'm speechless!

i love this story!
I reminds me of the golden compass meets lion witch and wardrobe!
Honestly so much better haha
I cant wait untl you post more I will definatly be subscribing!

I have just finished reading chapter three(about to start 4) I love your idea and your descriptions. You have totally got 1rst place in the bag! Can't wait to read more and I'm definately subscribing. =D

This is a story I never would've looked at, but I decided to read something different. I just have to say well done. I can't wait until you post new chapters. I really absolutely love it:) Keep writing more!!

Its very well written and nice and different from all the other stories its just very different and good keep writing your doing good

Story Review Game.

I'm going to start with any errors I find and then let you know my initial thought of the story itself.

when she swerved out of the road to avoid hitting a massive owl that had appeared in hear headlights should be her headlights.

waiting room with m grandmother my grandmother

But somethings some things

Okay to the story.

The idea itself is lovely.
I love the fairy tale aspect of it and I'm very curious to see if Eldonia is real.
But I felt like it was a bit rushed. I get that you didn't want to draw out her childhood scene and whatnot and focus on the aspect of her father being magical. But what I didn't like was the fact that randomly she found a letter telling her everything about her father.

Her mother wouldn't need to write that in a letter if she assumed she was going to be alive. I think maybe she should've left that for her grandmother to find to find to her. And like the beginning could be something along the lines of "My darling daughter, if you are reading this it means I am dead." or something nice and morbid like that.

Anywho. You've got a lovely idea, and I'm interested to see where you take it. I will definitely keep up with the rest of the chapters.

Also, what place did you get in the contest?

ALSO. I adore the layout. Very pretty. :]

YAY!
Third chapter.
Amazing, I must say. And if you don't win this, I'm going ripshit on the judge.
This is one lovely story. I do like it. :]

Amazing =) It's better than mine, now I'm worried about the competition... =P Yours is awesome!