Heartstrings - Comments

Please. Please. Update. Please! Great Chapters by the way!

This has really captured my attention and interest :)
I love it.

lol finally. i've been waiting to read this :]
it's the worst when a teacher catches you day dreaming...or passing notes lol.
i liked it. it was worth the wait.
cant wait for your next chapter :]

Story Review Game-Chapter 2

First off, your banner is really cute.

I disregarded the current Pre-Calculus lesson taught by a teacher whose monotonous voice could never capture my interest. - Classes that aren't a language class such as English, French, or Spansih shouldn't be capitalized. Also, I feel like this sentence could do without the "could never capture my interest" bit. I feel that the reader can infer that from the fact that the teacher's voice is monotonous.

But I pretended to listen to the lesson with genuine interest, while I concealed my math notes with doodles that clearly showed how I treated this class as another hour in Art. - Never begin a sentence with "but," "and", or "or." It's just incorrect. Also, art shouldn't be capitalized for the reason stated above.

I feel like a lot of the following paragraphs get repetitious and seem the chunk up together. It just doesn't read as well as it could. I like how you're trying to achieve a personal, relatable relationship between the reader and the main character, but it just feels forced to me.

I also find it hard to believe that a teacher would go so far out of their way to call out a student as long as the teacher does in this chapter. It's unrealistic to me. I can see the first little conversation between them happening, but the second about her needing to talk to her advisor and whatever just seems to be pushing it. All the teachers I've had wouldn't want to waste that much class time "going after" a student.

t was my fault for choosing such an eccentric girl for a best friend, and making me ponder her odd personality - You don't need the comma here.

But the abnormal ones always did turn out to be the best friend in the end. - I think you mean to say "best friends." Because you used a plural in the beginning of the sentence, you have to use a plural again when you refer back to it later in the sentence.

You were at least able to answer his question, and weren’t caught daydreaming in his class. - You don't need the comma in this sentence.

I scowled in return, and placed my sandwich back on top of the flattened paper bag. - You don't need the comma here either.

Art was the only elective that I could take without wanting to pull my hair out. - I thought this was a nice transition into the next period.

she told us all to sit wherever we pleased, and gave a brief introduction to her class. - You don't need a comma here.

I had already taken this course last year, and ignored her and the rest of the class - You don't need the comma here either.

Mrs. Matthews told us to paint or draw whatever we wanted, but warned that her class was not a free period. - Or here.

She prompted us to start creating a portfolio for the end of the semester, because they were due in less than three months. And she didn’t want to be responsible for our failing grade in her class, nor did she want to receive phone calls from angry parents. - These two sentences should be combined, but in a less wordy way as not to seem run-off-ish.

Overall, I felt like the concept was nice, but a lot of this chapter felt too forced to me. I feel like Cassie is on the borderline of becoming one of those cliché Juno-like characters that is pessimistic and has a witty comeback for everything, and honestly, that's just not realistic.

Good luck with this!

I love this!

Story Review Game:

Okay, I'm here now. Sorry about that. But when things come up, they come up.

One thing: your disclaimer and copyright message kind of clutters up your summary page, and makes it look messy. When you post on Mibba, your work is automatically copyrighted as it is, so it is safe. If you wish to credit the photos used as banners, you can just make a hyperlink below them; just make it say "source," and lead to the original photographer, if you'd like. That would really help to clear up your summary page. I really like the swirly bits right below, and it would look very classy and clean if your summary was right above that, and that was it.

In the first paragraph, the use of the words "show time" or "show" was a bit repetitive. And writing in that specific tense, you also tend to use the word "would" quite a bit, which was also a bit repetitive and eventually distracting.

I do like the concept. I think there are quite a few places in general that the average person knows of, that can be Breakup Central depending on where you live, and I like the idea that someone would really think of them as "shows" and go to observe them in their free time.

Your character seems...bitter, at best. Not that that's a bad thing; characters that don't have flaws, or don't carry with them realistic emotions can be boring, so it was interesting to see something start off with a character so delightful human. That she even enjoys watching other people's hearts get broken was very narcissistic and callous, and I enjoyed reading it. It was very...honest.

I think you tried to stress the point of the sibling relationship between Jason and Cassie a little too much. We got the point with her "he was like the big brother I never had, I was like the irritating little sister, etc" part in narration, so going on to actual tell us "We had quickly formed a non-related sibling relationship" was unneeded. Show, don't tell, when it comes to your writing, and give your readers a bit of credit. Sometimes you never have to say anything about the relationship between two characters - their dialogue and actions will tell us everything we need to know without any extra narration added to it.

She was sometimes wary of her appearance and considered the rain as an “unworthy enemy” who enjoyed challenging her resistance to defeat.

Loved that line.

Overall, I wish that more had happened in this chapter besides the paragraphs on the breakups that always seem to occur in the coffee shop, and the banter between the three characters. It was a good opening, and a good introduction to the characters and how they interact, but when not focusing on the background - the couples breaking up, the heartbreak - it tended to read a little dry. The dialogue between your three main characters in this chapter was also a little cliché, a little forced. There was no variation in their characterizations; one was always sarcastic, the other always silly and teasing, and etc. A little more discrepancy in dialogue would be a nice touch, for this chapter and future ones.

Well done. :)

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I love this.
I can't wait for more!

Yay I"m the first to comment!
I love this story already. very promising.
i'll be waiting for you next update :]